Last week I had my Andy Warholian 15 minutes of fame in South Korea. Actually, it was only 12 minutes and 27 seconds, and as some historians note, Andy Warhol may have never actually said the 15 min of fame thing. But, pushing the silly details aside, the truth is: I got over 12 minutes of fame on a South Korean radio station! “How cool is that?”
My answer is, “Very cool,” partly because I was on a very cool English-speaking South Korean radio station and radio show: The Morning Wave in Busan (BeFM 90.5). Before I went “live” on the air, I listened to Kathryn Bang, the radio host, interviewing someone about college students selling their ADHD meds and voyeurism and some singing/dancing and a Bruno Mars song that’s popular in South Korea. Wow. That was an amazing line-up.
If you’re interested, The Morning Wave has a recorded video of my appearance. The focus of the interview was our “Happiness for Educators” course. I got the gig because the radio station tracks The Conversation, where I had a publication pop back on October 11.
Here’s the link to the YouTube video.
Just in case the link doesn’t load to the right moment in the show, the interview with me starts at 1:27:50 and ends at 1:40:17 . . . although the whole show is worth a listen/viewing!
This past week I spent four days at West Creek Ranch, where I was forced to eat gourmet food, do sunrise yoga, experience a ropes course (briefly becoming a “flying squirrel”), watch a reflective horse session, dance away one night, hike in the beautiful Paradise Valley, and hang out, converse, and learn from about 25 very smart/cool/fancy people. Yes, it was a painful and grueling experience—which I did not deserve—but of which I happily partook.
On the first morning, I provided a brief presentation to the group on the concept of belonging, from the perspective of the Montana Happiness Project. Despite having shamefully forgotten to take off my socks during the sunrise morning yoga session, and having anxiety about whether or not I belonged with this incredible group of people, they let me belong. They also laughed at all the right moments during my initial mini-comedy routine, and then engaged completely in a serious reflective activity involving them sharing their eudaimonic belongingness sweet-spots with each other.
If you don’t know what YOUR eudaimonic belongingness sweet-spot is, you’re not alone (because hardly anyone knows what I mean by that particular jumble of words). That’s because, as a university professor, I took the liberty of making that phrase up, while at the same time, noting that it’s derived from some old Aristotelean writings. Yes, that’s what university professors do. Here’s the definition that I half stole and half made up.
That place where the flowering of your greatest (and unique) virtues, gifts, skills, talents, and resources intersect (over time) with the needs of the world [or your community or family].
I hope you take a moment to reflect on that definition and how it is manifest in who you are, and how you are in your relationships with others. If you’re reading this blog post, I suspect that you’re a conscious and sentient entity who makes a positive difference in the lives of others in ways that are uniquely you. Because we can’t and don’t always see ourselves as others see us, in our University of Montana Happiness course, we have an assignment called the Natural Talent Interview designed to help you gain perspective on your own distinct and distinctive positive qualities. You can find info on the Natural Talent Interview here: https://johnsommersflanagan.com/2023/12/26/what-do-you-think-of-me/
And my West Creek presentation powerpoint slides (all nine of them) are here:
You may have missed the main point of this blog post—which would be easy because I’m writing like a semi-sarcastic and erudite runaway loose association train that’s so busy whistling that it can’t make a point. My main point is GRATITUDE. Big, vast, and immense gratitude. Gratitude for the Arthur M. Blank Family Foundation (AMBFF) and our massively helpful program officers. Gratitude for our retreat facilitators. Gratitude for the staff at West Creek Ranch. Gratitude for the presence of everyone at the gathering. And gratitude for the therapeutic feelings of belonging I had the luxury of ruminating on all week. My experience was so good that I’m still savoring it like whatever you think might be worth savoring and then end up savoring even more than you expected.
Thank you AMBFF and Arthur Blank for your unrelenting generosity and laser-focus on how we can come together as community and make the world a better place.
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*Note: At the Montana Happiness Project, we do not support toxic positivity. What I mean by that is: (a) no one should ever tell anyone else to cheer up (that’s just offensive and emotionally dismissive), and (b) although we reap benefits from shifting our thinking and emotions in positive directions, we also reap similar benefits from writing and talking about trauma, life challenges, and social injustice. As humans, we are walking dialectics, meaning we grow from exploring the negative as well as the positive in life. We are multitudes, simultaneously learning and growing in many directions.
It can be good to have an IOU. I knew I owed my former student and current colleague, Maegan Rides At The Door, a chance to publish something together. We had started working on a project several years ago, but I got busy and dropped the ball. For years, that has nagged away at me. And so, when I read an article in the American Psychologist about suicide assessment with youth of color, I remembered my IOU, and reached out to Maegan.
The article, written by a very large team of fancy researchers and academics, was really quite good. But, IMHO, they neglected to humanize the assessment process. As a consequence, Maegan and I prepared a commentary on their article that would emphasize the relational pieces of the assessment process that the authors had missed. Much to our good fortune, after one revision, the manuscript was accepted.
I saw Maegan yesterday as she was getting the President Royce Engstrom Endowed Prize in University Citizenship award (yes, she’s just getting awards all the time). She said, with her usual infectious smile, “You know, I re-read our article this morning and it’s really good!”
I am incredibly happy that Maegan felt good about our published article. I also re-read the article, and felt similar waves of good feelings—good feelings about the fact that we were able to push forward an important message about working with youth of color. Because I know I now have your curiosity at a feverish pitch, here’s our closing paragraph:
In conclusion, to improve suicide assessment protocols for youth of color, providers should embrace anti-racist practices, behave with cultural humility, value transparency, and integrate relational skills into the assessment process. This includes awareness, knowledge, and skills related to cultural attitudes consistent with local, communal, tribal, and familial values. Molock and colleagues (2023) addressed most of these issues very well. Our main point is that when psychologists conduct suicide assessments, relational factors and empathic attunement should be central. Overreliance on standardized assessments—even instruments that have been culturally adapted—will not suffice.
And here’s the Abstract:
Molock and colleagues (2023) offered an excellent scholarly review and critique of suicide assessment tools with youth of color. Although providing useful information, their article neglected essential relational components of suicide assessment, implied that contemporary suicide assessment practices are effective with White youth, and did not acknowledge the racist origins of acculturation. To improve suicide assessment process, psychologists and other mental health providers should emphasize respect and empathy, show cultural humility, and seek to establish trust before expecting openness and honesty from youth of color. Additionally, the fact that suicide assessment with youth who identify as White is also generally unhelpful, makes emphasizing relationship and development of a working alliance with all youth even more important. Finally, acculturation has racist origins and is a one-directional concept based on prevailing cultural standards; relying on acculturation during assessments with youth of color should be avoided.
And finally, if you’re feeling inspired for even more, here’s the whole Damn commentary:
Uncommon Courses is an occasional series from The Conversation U.S. highlighting unconventional approaches to teaching.
Title of Course
Evidence-Based Happiness for Teachers
What prompted the idea for the course?
I was discouraged. For nearly three decades, as a clinical psychologist, I trained mental health professionals on suicide assessment. The work was good but difficult.
I consulted my wife, Rita, who also happens to be my favorite clinical psychologist. We decided to explore the science of happiness. Together, we established the Montana Happiness Project and began offering evidence-based happiness workshops to complement our suicide prevention work.
In 2021, the Arthur M. Blank Family Foundation, through the University of Montana, awarded us a US$150,000 grant to support the state’s K-12 public school teachers, counselors and staff. We’re using the funds to offer these educators low-cost, online graduate courses on happiness. In spring 2023, the foundation awarded us another $150,000 so we could extend the program through December 2025.
What does the course explore?
Using the word “happiness” can be off-putting. Sometimes, people associate happiness with recommendations to just smile, cheer up and suppress negative emotions – which can lead to toxic positivity.
As mental health professionals, my wife and I reject that definition. Instead, we embrace Aristotle’s concept of “eudaimonic happiness”: the daily pursuit of meaning, mutually supportive relationships and becoming the best possible version of yourself.
The heart of the course is an academic, personal and experiential exploration of evidence-based positive psychology interventions. These are intentional practices that can improve mood, optimism, relationships and physical wellness and offer a sense of purpose. Examples include gratitude, acts of kindness, savoring, mindfulness, mood music, practicing forgiveness and journaling about your best possible future self.
Students are required to implement at least 10 of 14 positive psychology interventions, and then to talk and write about their experiences on implementing them.
The lesson on sleep is especially powerful for educators. A review of 33 studies from 15 countries reported that 36% to 61% of K-12 teachers suffered from insomnia. Although the rates varied across studies, sleep problems were generally worse when teachers were exposed to classroom violence, had low job satisfaction and were experiencing depressive symptoms.
The sleep lesson includes, along with sleep hygiene strategies, a happiness practice and insomnia intervention called Three Good Things, developed by the renowned positive psychologist Martin Seligman.
I describe the technique, in Seligman’s words: “Write down, for one week, before you go to sleep, three things that went well for you during the day, and then reflect on why they went well.”
Next, I make light of the concept: “I’ve always thought Three Good Things was hokey, simplistic and silly.” I show a video of Seligman saying, “I don’t need to recommend beyond a week, typically … because when you do this, you find you like it so much, most people just keep doing it.” At that point, I roll my eyes and say, “Maybe.”
Then I share that I often awakened for years at 4 a.m. with terribly dark thoughts. Then – funny thing – I tried using Three Good Things in the middle of the night. It wasn’t a perfect solution, but it was a vast improvement over lying helplessly in bed while negative thoughts pummeled me.
The Three Good Things lesson is emblematic of how we encourage teachers in our course – using science, playful cynicism and an open and experimental mindset to apply the evidence-based happiness practices in ways that work for them.
I also encourage students to understand that the strategies I offer are not universally effective. What works for others may not work for them, which is why they should experiment with many different approaches.
What will the course prepare students to do?
The educators leave the course with a written lesson plan they can implement at their school, if they wish. As they deepen their happiness practice, they can also share it with other teachers, their students and their families.
Over the past 16 months, we’ve taught this course to 156 K-12 educators and other school personnel. In a not-yet-published survey that we carried out, more than 30% of the participants scored as clinically depressed prior to starting the class, compared with just under 13% immediately after the class.
The educators also reported overall better health after taking the class. Along with improved sleep, they took fewer sick days, experienced fewer headaches and reported reductions in cold, flu and stomach symptoms.
As resources allow, we plan to tailor these courses to other people with high-stress jobs. Already, we are receiving requests from police officers, health care providers, veterinarians and construction workers.
Tomorrow morning, three counseling interns and I will hit the road for Ronan, where we’ll spend the day with the staff of CSKT Tribal Health. We are honored and humbled to engage in a conversation about how to make the usual medical model approach to suicide be more culturally sensitive and explicitly collaborative.
Tomorrow morning (Wednesday, October 2) I have the honor and privilege of being the keynote speaker for Maryland’s 36th Annual Suicide Prevention Conference. So far, everyone I’ve met associated with this conference is amazing. I suspect tomorrow will be filled with excellent presentations and fabulous people who are in the business of mental health and saving lives.
I hope I can do justice to my role in this very cool conference.
Why Do We Need a Strengths-Based Approach to Suicide Assessment and Treatment?
Imagine this: You’re living in a world that seems like it would just as soon forget you exist. Maybe your skin color is different than the dominant people who hold power. Maybe you have a disability. Whatever the case, the message you hear from the culture is that you’re not important and not worthy. You feel oppressed, marginalized, unsupported, and as if much of society would just as soon have you become invisible or go away.
In response, you intermittently feel depressed and suicidal. Then, when you enter the office of a health or mental health professional, the professional asks you about depression and suicide. Even if the professional is well-intended, judgment leaks through. If you admit to feeling depressed and having suicidal thoughts, you’ll get a diagnosis that implies you’re to blame for having depressing and suicidal thoughts.
The medical model overfocuses on trying to determine: “Are you suicidal?” The medical model is also based on the assumption that the presence of suicidality indicates there’s something seriously wrong with you. But if we’re working with someone who has been or is currently being marginalized, a rational response from the patient might be:
“As it turns out, I’ve internalized systemic and intergenerational racism, sexism, ableism, and other dehumanizing messages from society. I’ve been devalued for so long and so often that now, I’ve internalized societal messages: I devalue myself and wonder if life is worth living. And now, you’re blaming me with a label that implies I’m the problem!”
No wonder most people who are feeling suicidal don’t bother telling their health professionals.
When I think of this preceding scenario, I want to add profanity into my response, so I can adequately convey that it’s completely unjust to BLAME patients for absorbing repeated negative messages about people who look like or sound like or act like them. WTH else do you think should happen?
This is why we need to integrate strengths-based principles into traditional suicide assessment and prevention models. Of course, we shouldn’t use strengths-based ideas in ways that are toxically positive. We ALWAYS need to start by coming alongside and feeling with our patients and clients. As it turns out, if we do a good job of coming alongside patients/clients who are in emotional pain, natural opportunities for focus on strengths and resources, including cultural, racial, sexual, and other identities that give the person meaning.
I’m reminded of an interview I did with an Alaskan Native person from the Yupik tribe. She talked at length about her depression, about feeling like a zombie, and past and current suicidal thoughts. Eventually, I inquired: “What’s happening when you’re not having thoughts about suicide?” She seemed surprised. Then she said, “I’d be singing or writing poetry.” I instantly had a sense that expressing herself held meaning for her. In particular, her singing Native songs and contemporary pop songs became important in our collaborative efforts to build her a safety plan.
This coming Wednesday morning I have the honor of presenting as the keynote speaker for the Maryland Department of Health 36th Annual Suicide Prevention Conference. During this keynote, I’ll share more ideas about why a strengths-based model is a good fit when working with diverse clients who are experiencing suicidal thoughts and impulses.
With all that said, here’s the title and abstract of my upcoming presentation.
Strengths-Based Assessment, Treatment, and Prevention with Diverse Populations
Traditional suicide assessment tends to be a top-down information-gathering process wherein healthcare or prevention professionals use questionnaires and clinical interviews to determine patient or client suicide risk. This approach may not be the best fit for people from populations with historical trauma, or for people who continue to experience oppression or marginalization. In this presentation, John Sommers-Flanagan will review principles of a strengths-based approach to suicide prevention, assessment, and treatment. He will also discuss how to be more sensitive, empowering, collaborative, and how to leverage cultural strengths when working with people who are potentially suicidal. You will learn at least three practical strengths-based strategies for initiating conversations about suicide, conducting culturally-sensitive assessments, and implementing suicide interventions—that you can immediately use in your prevention work.
I’m sorry to announce that because I’ve come down with COVID, tomorrow’s “pop-up” Parenting Consultation workshop is postponed for one week.
We will convene online NEXT Wednesday, September 11, at 9am and keep going until about 4pm. We will have a morning and afternoon break, and a lunch break.
We will be able to provide Montana Behavioral Health CEUs. Also, because I’m a psychologist, the training will likely qualify for Board of Psychology CEUs. We will issue certificates about one week after the workshop.
My apologies for the delay on this workshop. The main thing I have to say about that is: “COVID sucks.”
As noted before, although this is FREE, we’re asking participants to:
If you find the workshop useful, make a donation to Families First in an amount that represents the value of the workshop to you. Here’s the link for that: https://donorbox.org/familiesfirstdonate
Do what you can—in the future—to support parents as they face unusually difficult challenges.
I would also like participants to engage, volunteer for role plays, participate in break-out rooms, and discuss what they’re experiencing and learning.
Information on the workshop is below
Using a Consultation Model to Work Effectively with Parents
John Sommers-Flanagan, Ph.D.
Parenting has always been challenging, but now, with ubiquitous social media influences, the aftermath of the global pandemic, and increasing rates of children’s mental disorder diagnoses, parenting in the 21st century is more stressful and demanding than ever before. As a consequence, many parents turn to mental health, healthcare, and school professionals for help with their children’s behavior and family problems. However, partly because parents can be selective or picky consumers and partly because children’s problems can be complex and overwhelming, many professionals feel ill-prepared to work effectively with parents. This workshop will teach participants a model for working effectively with parents. The model, which has supporting research, can be used for brief individual consultations or longer-term parent counseling. Practitioners who want to work with parents will learn methods for developing rapport, collaborating on problem formulation, initial interventions, and optional follow-up strategies.
Learning Objectives:
Describe a consultation model, with supporting research, for working effectively with parents.
Apply skills for brief individual consultations or longer-term parent counseling.
Utilize methods for rapport, collaborative problem formulation, initial interventions, and optional follow-up strategies.
Thanks for your flexibility!
Here are two journal articles on the approach we’ll be learning:
Parenting books are ubiquitous; they vary greatly by population (e.g., teens, toddlers, LGBTQ+, culture), problem (e.g., ADHD, autism, sleep, etc.) and approach. This is a field where nearly everyone has very strong (and often opposing) opinions and feelings and very much believe THEY ARE RIGHT. Think of Tiger Parenting vs. Free Range Parenting and the fights that might start between adherents to those approaches. You’ll notice I don’t include books on Tiger or Free Range parenting (which may or may not be a statement), but I do capture some of the extremes and nuances of the different approaches to helping babies and children sleep.
I’m not necessarily advocating the books on this list. In fact, I think some of them are pretty silly. For those of you who know me, you know that I dislike hype, and I dislike it when authors write and act like they’re the ones who have suddenly developed a new and revolutionary paradigm shift. Many contemporary parenting book authors are de-emphasizing compliance and behavioral control, and focusing instead on the underlying neurological states that are contributing to disruptive or undesirable behaviors. Although I don’t dispute the value of these approaches, they sound very Adlerian—other than the use of fancy pseudo-neuroscience terminology. They also sound like my mentor, Linda Braun, of Families First Boston, who always taught parents to “Get Curious, Not Furious.” Yes, I am now officially an old crank.
Many of these newer so-called “paradigm-shifting” approaches are very anti-behaviorism. That’s perfectly okay; after all, John Watson began the behavioral movement in parenting by advising parents not to hug or show too much affection to their children. His children suffered. Watson was a whack (and a genius); his form of behavioral parenting belongs only in the history books. On the other hand, parents need to pay attention to the repeating contingency patterns happening in their homes. Whether or not you buy into behaviorism, ignoring environmental contingencies happening in your home is a recipe for repeated parenting disasters. We need the knowledge of behavioral approaches, if only to make sure we’re not engaging in backward behavior modification. [for more on backward behavior modification, see: https://johnsommersflanagan.com/2012/12/02/backward-behavior-modification/ or https://johnsommersflanagan.com/2018/02/02/doing-behavior-modification-right/]
Many years ago, Sigmund Freud said something like, “There are many ways and means of conducting psychotherapy, all that lead to recovery are good.” The same might be said about parenting books. There are—truly—many ways and means of parenting. As you explore this field, you may want to focus your search on your particular interest. There’s great (and not so great) stuff out there on LGBTQ+ parenting, Indigenous parenting, and many other foci. You may want to find curated lists (like mine). For example,Maryam Abdullah and Megan Bander’s (of Berkeley’s Greater Good Magazine) favorite parenting books of 2023, see: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/our_favorite_parenting_books_of_2023
My own list, which I’m sharing with my parenting consultation workshop participants is below.
Bryson, T. P., & Siegel, D. J. (2015). No-drama discipline: The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind. Bantam.
Chiaramonte, N., & Chiaramonte, K. J. (2024). Embracing queer family: Learning to live authentically in our families and communities. Broadleaf Books.
Clarke-Fields, H. (2020). Raising good humans: A mindful guide to breaking the cycle of reactive parenting and raising kind, confident kids. New Harbinger.
Delahooke, M. (2019). Beyond behaviors: Using brain science and compassion to understand and solve children’s behavioral challenges. PESI Publishing.
Eriksen, T. (2022). Unconditional: A guide to loving and supporting your LGBTQ child. Mango.
Healy, G. (2023). Regulation and co-regulation: Accessible neuroscience and connection strategies that bring calm into the classroom. National Center for Youth Issues.
Lansford, J. E., Rothenberg, W. A., & Bornstein, M. H. (2021). Parenting across cultures from childhood to adolescence development in nine countries. Routledge.
Tyler, S., & Makokis, L. (2021). Ohpikinâwasowin/Growing a child: Implementing Indigenous ways of knowing with indigenous families. Fernwood Publishing.
Weissbluth, M. (2022). Healthy sleep habits, happy child: A new step-by-step guide for a good night’s sleep (5th ed.). Ballantine Books.
West, K., & Kenen, J. (2020). The sleep lady’s good night, sleep tight: Gentle proven solutions to help your child sleep without leaving them to cry it out (rev. ed.). Hatchet
FYI: Below is an annotated list of older parenting classics.
Ackerman, M. (1998). Does Wednesday mean Mom’s house or Dad’s? Wiley.
This book is written by a nationally renowned expert on child custody evaluations. It includes broad coverage of how parents can co-parent in a manner that is less confusing and more healthy for children. One of the book’s strengths is a chapter on developing parenting and custodial schedules, which is a practical problem often plaguing parents who are divorced or divorcing.
Brazelton, T. B., & Sparrow, J. D. (2006). Touchpoints: Birth to 3(2nd ed.). MA: Da Capo Press.
T. Berry Brazelton is one of the most renowned parenting experts in the world. His Touchpoints books (there is also a Touchpoints: 3–6 years) are packed with critical information about how to deal with parenting challenges. Although you may not agree with every recommendation in the book, it’s difficult to find a more comprehensive, balanced, and gentle approach to parenting. The book includes three main sections: Touchpoints of Development; Challenges to Development; and Allies in Development. The breadth and depth of these books are very impressive.
Cline, F., & Fay, J. (2006). Parenting with love and logic(rev. ed.). NavPress.
The love-and-logic model for parenting and teaching is extremely popular, particularly among educators. Cline and Fay are master storytellers and they bring home the lesson that parents need to give children increasing responsibility and stand by them (but not in for them) with empathy when they make mistakes or fail. The underlying premise of this model is that children learn best from their own mistakes and natural consequences and that we should all avoid being “helicopter” parents who rescue our children from real-world learning.
Coloroso, B. (2009). The bully, the bullied, and the bystander: From preschool to high school—How parents and teachers can help break the cycle (rev. ed.). Harper.
Barbara Coloroso is a popular parent educator from the Pacific Northwest. She has written several well-received books and this is her latest. It focuses on how parents and teachers can help children cope with bullying. Coloroso paints the bully, the bullied, and the bystander as “three characters in a tragic play.” Her focus on the bystander is especially important because of its consistency with research suggesting that the best bullying interventions focus not only on the bully and victim, but also on bystanders, parents, and teachers.
Dreikurs, R., & Soltz, V. (1991). Children: The challenge. Plume.
This is an early parenting classic, originally published in 1964. It’s based on Adlerian theory and emphasizes natural consequences and other methods through which parents can encourage, but not spoil, their children. The book provided foundational concepts for many parenting books that followed. For example, it discussed the goals of misbehavior, the family council, and natural consequences—all of which have been used as basic principles and strategies in many different contemporary parenting books.
Faber, A., & Mazlish, E. (1999). How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. Harper.
This classic book, originally published in 1980, focuses on enhancing parent–child communication and remains immensely popular. As of this writing it was ranked #149 overall and #5 in the parenting book category on Amazon.com. The book includes communication strategies for helping children deal with their feelings, engaging cooperation, and dealing with misbehavior without punishment. It includes cartoons illustrating positive and negative communication strategies.
Faber, A., & Mazlish, E. (2005). Siblings without rivalry. New York: Harper.
Originally published in 1988, the latest edition of Faber and Mazlish’s second parenting classic begins with an excellent story that helps parents see that sibling rivalry can stem from jealousy similar to the jealousy a spouse might feel if asked to welcome another husband or wife into the home. The book provides clear ideas about how to avoid comparing, assigning roles, or taking sides and suggests specific alternative strategies to avoid conflict and promote more peaceful interactions.
Ferber, R. (1985). Solve your child’s sleep problems. Simon & Schuster.
This is a very distinct approach to helping very young children sleep better. It has been called the “Ferber approach” or the “cry-it-out solution.” About a two decades ago it was featured on the comedy series, Mad About You. Many parents swear by this approach while other parents believe it could be emotionally damaging. Research indicates it is effective in improving sleep onset, but there is no clear evidence about whether “crying it out” causes emotional damage. Sleep is such a common issue that we also recommend you be familiar with the extreme opposite approach (Tine Thevenin’s The family bed), and a more moderate approach (Pantley & Sears, The no-cry sleep solution).
Fields, D., & Brown, A. (2009). Baby 411: Clear answers & smart advice for your baby’s first year (4th ed.). Windsor Peak Press.
This book was recommended to us by a colleague who swears by its authoritative guidance. She raved about the precision of the authors’ advice . . . ranging from sleep to teething to illness to feeding. Not surprisingly, we also found it helpful both in terms of comprehensiveness and clarity. It’s a practical book designed as a much needed instruction manual for new parents. There are also additional 411 books by the same authors focused on handling pregnancy and parenting your toddler.
Fisher, B., & Alberti, R. E. (1999). Rebuilding: When your relationship ends. Impact Publishers.
This book is designed to help adults deal with the emotional side of divorce. It is highly acclaimed as a self-help book for parents and a good recommendation for parents who are suffering emotionally from divorce. As discussed in Chapter 11, many parents struggle deeply with divorce and knowing about a book that can help navigate this process is important.
Ginott, H. G., Ginott, A., Goddard, H. W. (2003). Between parent and child: The bestselling classic that revolutionized parent-child communication (rev ed.). Three Rivers Press.
This is another classic book focusing on parent–child communication. The main emphasis is on respecting and understanding children’s emotional states. Like Adler and Dreikurs, Haim Ginott’s work was a foundation for many to follow. For example, Faber and Mazlich attribute their approach to their experiences in workshops with Ginott.
Glasser, W. (2002). Unhappy teenagers. HarperCollins.
Glasser developed choice theory and in this book he applies it to raising teenagers. Similar to Dreikurs (and Adler), he believes all children (and teens) strive for love and belonging, but that if they feel excessively controlled or criticized they will rebel and begin seeking freedom and fun and their primary goals. Glasser’s approach in this book is very liberal and it may make some parents and consultants uncomfortable, but he provides a worthwhile and stimulating perspective.
Gordon, T. (2000). Parent Effectiveness Training: The proven program for raising responsible children. Three Rivers Press.
Thomas Gordon’s Parent Effectiveness Training (PET) was originally published in 1970. You can find many copies of these original editions on used-book shelves. PET quickly became very popular and still has a substantial following. Gordon’s PET is a very non-authoritarian approach that emphasizes listening and communication. Gordon is strongly opposed to using force, coercion, or power when parenting children. Instead, he emphasizes using active listening and interactive problem-solving when conflicts arise.
Gottman, J. & DeClaire, J. (1998). The heart of parenting: Raising an emotionally intelligent child. Simon & Schuster.
John Gottman is a renowned marriage researcher at the University of Washington. Apparently, in his spare time, he produced an excellent book on helping parents deal with their children’s emotions. This book emphasizes emotion-coaching, which is a procedure through which parents can teach their children how to cope with challenging and uncomfortable emotions. Gottman and DeClaire encourage parents to view their children’s meltdowns and tantrums as opportunities for positive and educational interactions. This book uses Daniel Goleman’s concept of emotional intelligence as a founding principle.
Kazdin, A. E. (2008). The Kazdin method for parenting the defiant child. Mariner Books.
Alan Kazdin is a past-president of the American Psychological Association and a highly respected researcher in the area of behavior therapy for teenagers and families. Not surprisingly, his approach to parenting the defiant child is strongly behavioral. Although behavioral approaches can be overly tedious and impersonal, Kazdin’s approach is relatively user-friendly (and perhaps more importantly, child-friendly). His substantial hands-on experience with children and families make this book a reasonable choice for parents and consultants. In particular, he does a fabulous job discussing challenging issues like punishment and provides immensely clarifying comments about timeout.
Kohn, A. (2006). Unconditional parenting. Atria Books.
Alfie Kohn is a well-known and controversial writer who is strongly against using behavioral psychology to control children’s behavior. Author of Punished by rewards, he emphasizes that children do best with unconditional love, respect, and the opportunity to make their own choices. He also emphasizes that most parents don’t really want compliance and obedience from their children in the long run and so they should work more on establishing positive relationships than on controlling their children. He believes controlling and authoritarian parenting methods communicate a destructive message of conditional love.
Kurcinka, M. S. (2001). Kids, parents, and power struggles. Harper.
Kurcinka’s book gives a concise, practical, and engaging account of how to use non-authoritarian approaches to attain children’s compliance and cooperation. The focus is on parents as emotion coaches (see Gottman for another resource) and does not offer immediate or magical solutions. Instead, it covers a range of creative techniques for using power struggles as pathways to better parent–child relationships and mutual understanding. There is a strong emphasis on firm guidelines and mutual respect.
Kurcinka, M. S. (2016). Raising your spirited child: A guide for parents whose child is more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, and energetic(3rd ed.). William Morrow.
When we get feedback on books especially designed for parents of children who have very active and challenging temperaments, parents generally rate this as their favorite. Of course, spirited children have been called a variety of less positive names in the literature, including but not limited to: active alert, challenging, difficult, explosive, and strong-willed. These are also children who might be labeled as having attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder. Kurcinka takes a masterful approach to relabeling and accommodating spirited children in a way that focuses on their personal strengths and avoids unnecessary power struggles.
Mack, A. (1989). Dry all night: The picture book technique that stops bedwetting. New York: Little, Brown.
There are several different approaches to address bedwetting in children. This is our favorite. The author takes a gentle approach to helping parents work through their own bedwetting reactions (which she refers to as sleepwetting). The book includes two main sections: (1)stet ten steps that will help your child become dry all night, and (2)stet a picture book with a story to read to your child. In contrast to more behavioral and medical approaches, this book offers reasonable guidance that parents are likely to understand and implement without much ambivalence.
McKenzie, R. G. (2001). Setting limits with your strong-willed child: Eliminating conflict by establishing clear, firm, and respectful boundaries. Three Rivers Press.
This book is hailed by many parents as a kinder and gentler approach to being a firm parent and limit-setter. Parents are educated about how they partake in the “dance” of noncompliance, and taking disciplinary action rather than using repeated warnings is emphasized. McKenzie helps parents move beyond using the constant reminders that erode parental authority and teach children to ignore their parents.
The lead author of this book, Jane Nelsen, is the author of the original, and very popular, ‘positive discipline’ book, published in the 1980s. Like many other parenting authorities, Nelsen bases much of her advice for parents on the theoretical perspective of Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs. The main emphasis is on mutual respect and helping children learn from the natural consequences of their behaviors.
Pantley, E., & Sears, W. (2002). The no-cry sleep solution: Gentle ways to help your baby sleep through the night. McGraw Hill.
This is the middle-of-the-road book for helping parents cope with their young child’s sleeping difficulties. Pantley and Sears help parents study their child’s sleep patterns and discover how to work with the baby’s biological sleep rhythms. They also articulate a “Persistent Gentle Removal System” that teaches babies to fall asleep without the breast, bottle, or pacifier.
Phelan, T. (2004). 1-2-3 magic: Effective discipline for children 2 through 12 (3rd ed.). Parentmagic.
This book and its accompanying video describes and advocates a simple approach for parents to set limits and take back control from children. Phelan coaches parents on avoiding the endless arguments with children. He also does a great job pointing out that one of the best ways to get your child to continue misbehaving is to have an extreme emotional reaction to the misbehavior.
Popkin, M. (2005). Doc Pop’s 52 weeks of Active Parenting. Active Parenting.
Michael Popkin is a popular contemporary parenting expert who has authored most books in the “Active Parenting” series. His approach is highly democratic and, like many parenting authorities, he follows the work of Adler and Dreikurs. In this book (there are many other Active Parenting books you could become familiar with), Popkin provides 52 weekly family activities designed to promote parenting skill development and family bonds. Sample activities include actively listening to children, methods for monitoring and limiting television/computer time, sharing stories from family history, as well as playful activities.
Reichlin, G., & Winkler, C. (2001). The pocket parent. Workman Publishing.
This is a handy, pocket-sized book filled with tips on how to deal with challenging parenting situations. It’s organized in an A–Z format and includes quick, bulleted suggestions on what to try when facing specific behaviors and situations (e.g., anger, bad words, lying, morning crazies, etc.). This book provides direct advice in ways that can help expand the repertoire of parenting consultants.
Ricci, I. (1997). Mom’s house, Dad’s house (2nd ed.). Fireside
Originally published in 1980, this is the classic book for establishing a joint custodial or shared parenting arrangement. Generally, if we recommend only one book for divorcing parents, this is it. The author clearly addresses many biases that our society and individual parents have about divorce and shared parenting. She articulates clear ways parents can modify their thinking and develop more healthy and adaptive post-divorce attitudes. She also includes a sample parenting plan and excellent chapters on how ex-spouses can work to establish a productive business relationship for managing their joint parenting interests more effectively. In 2006, Ricci published a second book, titled Mom’s house, Dad’s house for kids.
Samalin, N., & Whitney, C. (2003). Loving without spoiling: And 100 other timeless tips for raising terrific kids. McGraw-Hill.
Nancy Samalin, a well-known parenting expert, includes 100 mini-chapters in this book of tips. Similar to the Pocket parent, she covers a wide range of parenting challenges. Her focus often acknowledges the intense love and concern that parents have for their children, which can make it easy for parents to become too lenient, spoil their children, and then end up dealing with repeated bratty behavior. Samalin help parents recognize how they can give their children responsibility, maintain their authority, and raise well-mannered children.
Sears, W., Sears, M., Sears, R., & Sears, J. (2003). The baby book: Everything you need to know about your baby from birth to age two(revised and updated edition). Little, Brown.
This is a great resource for parents of very young children. The focus is on developing a strong attachment and raising a healthy baby. It’s written by the Sears family, three of whom are physicians and one a registered nurse. William and Martha Sears (the parents) are strong advocates of attachment parenting, a style that emphasizes touch and connection.
Siegel, D., & Hartzell, M. (2014). Parenting from the inside out. Tarcher
Daniel Siegel is a child psychiatrist and Mary Hartzell is an early childhood expert. In this book they explore recent developments in neurobiology and attachment research and discuss how interpersonal relationship patterns can affect brain development. They also address the interesting phenomenon of parents suddenly noticing that they’re unintentionally repeating their parents’ parenting patterns. This book helps parents look at their own lives in an effort to become parents who provide more optimal levels of love and security for their children.
Thevenin, T. (1987). The family bed. Avery Publishing Group.
Getting babies to sleep well can be challenging. This approach emphasizes that it’s natural and nurturing for babies/children and their parents to sleep together. The family bed is viewed as a very helpful solution to children’s sleeping problems. As you may recognize, this approach is the polar opposite to the Ferber or “cry-it-out” approach described previously (see Ferber). We don’t endorse either the cry-it-out or the family bed approach (both of which will raise heated emotions from some parents), but believe it’s very important for parenting consultants to know the ends of the spectrum when it comes to dealing with sleep problems.
And if you want a pdf of this to print, it’s here:
John Sommers-Flanagan 