Category Archives: Boys and Men

Men, Suicide, and Happiness: Helping Men Live Meaningful Lives

Tomorrow morning, March 31, 2023, at 8am, I’m co-presenting with Matt Englar-Carlson and Dan Salois on suicide and happiness with men at the American Counseling Association World Conference in Toronto.

Here’s the session blurb:

Men and boys account for nearly 80% of all suicide deaths in the U.S. Factors contributing to high suicide rates include: constricted emotional expression, reluctance to seek help, firearms, alcohol abuse, and narrowly defined masculinity. In this educational session, we will use a case demonstration to illustrate suicide assessment counseling methods to help boys and men liberate themselves from narrow masculine values, while embracing alternative and meaningful paths to happiness.

If you’re in Toronto, I hope to see you there. . . and for anyone interested, here’s the Powerpoint presentation:

What’s Happening at the Upcoming American Counseling Association World Conference: Take III

I’m really not sure what’s happening with WordPress, but because of tech and formatting issues, this is my third effort to post this blog. Now, I’m trying an approach that requires me to separately copy and paste each paragraph into this post. I used to be able to paste the whole document and it worked just fine. Now, if I do that, it makes all 10 paragraphs into one long paragraph and I look technologically even dumber than I am. Next month, WordPress will likely make me copy and paste the blog word by word.

You may be wondering, “How are you doing John?”

I think I’ll pass on answering that for now because WordPress is now graying out each sentence I type as soon as I press “enter.” And it’s repeating some short paragraphs and even though I delete them and they appear to be gone, when I try to publish this, the deleted paragraphs re-appear. I don’t know what any of this means other than WordPress must be angry with me because I asked them for help.

What I’ve been wanting to post is that I’m honored to be speaking several times at the American Counseling Association World Conference in Toronto next week. Here’s what’s happening. . .

Bright and early Friday morning, March 31 from 8am to 9:30am, I’ll be joined by Matt Englar-Carlson of Cal State Fullerton and Dan Salois of the University of Montana, for an educational session titled, “Men, Suicide, and Happiness: Helping Men Live Meaningful Lives.” We’ll be starting our talk by wondering why there isn’t more focus on the fact that men die by suicide at 3+ the rates of women and by wondering who gets to define what constitutes intimacy and intimate conversations among men. If you come to our talk and are not fully satisfied, you just might win an evening out getting a beer with us as we lament the unpopularity of masculine psychology. Or you might not. Life is like that.

At 1pm to 1:30pm on Friday I have the great fortune of joining Amanda Evans and Kenson Hiatt of James Madison University for a poster session titled, “Wellness and Social Justice: A Positive, Liberation-Oriented Approach.” Among the many things that are cool about this presentation is the fact that Dr. Evans has creatively combined social justice, positive psychology, and liberation psychology in ways that—as far as I know—have never been done before. Given the usual awkward nature of poster sessions, I hope you’ll drop by for some conversations about how we can integrate these important perspectives and facilitate social justice. But if you’re the type who prefers walking and studiously avoiding eye-contact with poster presenters, that works too.

From 3:30pm to 5pm on Friday, I have the privilege of offering an “Author Session” titled, “Top Tips for Weaving a Strengths-Based Approach to Suicide into Your Practice.” This session—based on our ACA book by nearly the same name, I will offer strengths-based tips about viewing suicidality as an unparalleled counseling opportunity, making your assessments therapeutic, building hope from the bottom-up, and much more. Right afterward, there will be a book-signing session . . . and I hope you’ll come to that, if only to talk to me and save me from the embarrassing situation of sitting alone next to a pile of books.

On Saturday, April 1 (and this is no joke), I’ll be presenting an education session on “Counseling for Happiness: Facilitating Client and Student Wellness.” Here’s the blurb:

Most people who seek counseling not only want to deal with their problems and distress, they also want to live happier and more meaningful lives. In this education session, the presenter will describe and demonstrate six evidence-based happiness strategies that professional counselors can use with clients and with themselves. The discussion will also address how specific happiness interventions may be more or less culturally appropriate. Using an open and collaborative experimental mindset is encouraged.

In addition to these formal appearances, I will also be hanging out at the John Wiley and Sons booth in the exhibition hall (especially on Thursday, March 30, from 2-5pm for the Expo Grand Opening). If you happen to be in Toronto for the ACA Conference, I hope to see you there.

Tough Kids, Cool Counseling Visits Eastern Michigan

In 1990, when I moved back to Missoula, Montana to join Philip and Marcy Bornstein in their private practice, my goal was to establish a practice focusing on health psychology. I believed deeply in the body-mind connection and wanted to work with clients/patients with hypertension, asthma, and other health-related conditions with significant behavioral and psychosocial components.

Turns out, maybe because I was the youngest psychologist in town, all I got were referrals from Youth Probation Services, Child Protective Services, local schools, and parents who asked if I could “fix” their children’s challenging behaviors.

I’d say that I made lemonade from lemons, but it turns out I LOVED working with the so-called “challenging youth.” There were no lemons! The work led to our Tough Kids, Cool Counseling book (1997 and 2007), along with many articles, book chapters, and demonstration counseling videos. Over the years I’ve had the honor of working extensively with parents, families, youth, and young adults.

In about 10 days, I’ll be in Ypsilanti, Michigan doing a full-day professional workshop on “Tough Kids, Cool Counseling.” If you’re concerned about the title, don’t worry, so am I. In the first few minutes of the day, I’ll explain why using the terminology “Tough Kids” is a bad idea for counselors, psychotherapists, and other humans.

Just in case you’re in the Eastern Michigan area, the details and links for the conference are below. I hope to see you there . . . and hope if you make the trip, you’ll be sure to say hello to me at a break or after the workshop.

What: Tough Kids, Cool Counseling: Cognitive, Emotional, & Constructive Change Strategies

When: Friday, March 10, 2023, 8:30 AM – 5:00 PM EST

Where: Eastern Michigan University Student Center, Second Floor – Ballroom B Ypsilanti, MI 48197

Counseling so-called “tough kids” can be immensely frustrating or splendidly gratifying. The truth of this statement is so obvious that the supportive reference, at least according to many teenagers is, “Duh!” In this workshop, participants will sharpen their counseling skills by viewing and discussing video clips from actual counseling sessions, discussing key issues, and participating in live demonstrations. Attending this workshop will add tools to your counseling youth tool-box, and deepen your understanding of specific interventions. Over 20 cognitive, emotional, and constructive counseling techniques will be illustrated and demonstrated. Examples include acknowledging reality, informal assessment, the affect bridge, the three-step emotional change trick, asset flooding, empowered storytelling, and more. Four essential counseling principles, counselor counter-transference, and multicultural issues will be highlighted.

The link: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/tough-kids-cool-counseling-cognitive-emotional-constructive-change-tickets-470275485637

Eight Secrets About How to Talk with Parents Who Spank Their Children

IMHO, usually parents spank their children for one (or more) of several reasons.

  • They have come to believe that spanking “works.”
  • They have been told or educated about reasons for spanking, such as the old “spare the rod, spoil the child” message.
  • They experienced spanking themselves and have concluded, “I got spanked and I turned out okay.”
  • They are unaware of other discipline strategies they can use to get positive results, without hitting their children.

Each of these reasons are myths or the results of misinformation. If I wanted to get into a debate with parents who spank their children, I could easily win the argument based on logical and scientific reasoning. But, ironically, in winning the argument, I would lose the debate . . . principally because most parents who spank aren’t open to logical argument about whether or not spanking is a good thing. Instead of winning the debate, I’d be rupturing my relationship with the parents.

Over the years, I’ve learned to avoid rational argument and scientific evidence, and tell parents about these 7 “secrets” instead:

  1. Acknowledge that parents and child development researchers agree on one point: Spanking is usually effective at stopping or suppressing misbehavior in the moment.
  2. If you have spanked your child in the past, you are not a bad person; you’re just a parent who’s trying to make a positive difference.
  3. Most parents who spank their children have mixed feelings about hitting their child before, during, and after the spanking.
  4. I’ve never met a parent who wants to spank their children more; nearly all parents are looking for ways to spank their children less
  5. Even though it’s hard for some parents to believe, from the scientific perspective, spanking is linked to far too many negative outcomes to justify its use. In particular, spanking has adverse effects on mental health, emotional well-being, and child, adolescent and adult behaviors. The science on this is very one-sided in that there’s lots of science indicating spanking has negative long-term effects and very little evidence linking spanking to anything positive in the long run.
  6. If you want to spank less, you’ll need to identify, practice, and implement alternative discipline strategies. . . and that will be hard; it will take time, energy, and patience.
  7. It might help to think about learning to spank less as a sacrifice you make because you love your children. No doubt, learning and practicing alternatives to spanking won’t be the first or last sacrifice you make to be a parent. But, using alternatives to spanking might be the most long-lasting contribution you can make to your child’s future well-being and success.
  8. Medical and scientific organizations, including the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Psychological Association, and nearly every professional group on the planet, advise against using corporal punishment (including no spanking). However—and this is incredibly important—the recommendations are NOT anti-discipline. In fact, mainstream scientific views are consistent with parents as leaders, authority figures who set limits and deliver natural and logical consequences to help children learn what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable. Children need their parents to set limits, because children (including teenagers) are not very good at setting healthy limits for themselves.

As my former doctoral students would attest, I’m passionate about teaching parents not to spank their children. I’m also passionate about teaching parents how to use constructive and educational approaches to discipline.

For more on this topic, check out my recent article for The Good Men Project: https://goodmenproject.com/families/how-to-discipline-children-better-without-spanking-kpkn/

Spanking and Mental Health

Visual from the Good Men Project. . .

Several years ago, doc students in our Counseling and Supervision program started teasing me for being preoccupied with corporal punishment in general and spanking in particular. Somehow they found my concerns about adverse mental health outcomes linked to spanking as entertaining. They were very funny about it, and so although I was somewhat puzzled, mostly I was entertained by their response, and so it was, as they say . . . all good.

Despite their occasional heckling about spanking and despite my BIG concerns about the adverse outcomes of corporal punishment, I haven’t really done any direct research on the effects of spanking. Maybe one reason I haven’t done any spanking research is because Elizabeth Gershoff of UT-Austin has already done so much amazing work. In an effort to help make her work more mainstream, today I published an article with the Good Men Project titled, “How to Discipline Children Better Without Spanking.” The article begins . . .

“As children across the country headed back to school, some students in Missouri returned to find corporal punishment, with parental approval, reinstated in their district. They joined students in 19 other states where corporal punishment is still legal in schools. At home, most American parents—an estimated 52%—agree or strongly agree that “it is sometimes necessary to discipline a child with a good, hard spanking” Parents hold this opinion despite overwhelming scientific evidence that spanking is linked to mental, emotional, and behavioral problems. In a well-known and highly regarded study of over 1,000 twins, Elizabeth Gershoff of the University of Texas at Austin found that spanking was linked to lying, stealing, fighting, vandalism, and other delinquent behaviors. Gershoff’s findings are not new.”

You can check out the full article here: https://goodmenproject.com/families/how-to-discipline-children-better-without-spanking-kpkn/

Also, a big thanks to Kristine Maloney of TVP Communications for her edits and for helping get this piece published.

Happy Tuesday!

John SF

Robb Elementary School, Highland Park, and Other Mass Shootings: Let’s Talk about Young Males and Semi-Automatic Weapons

Nearly every mass shooting in the U.S. includes three main factors, the first two of which no one seems to want to talk about.

  1. The shooter is male.
  2. The shooter is under 25-years-old
  3. The weapon is a semi-automatic.

Why don’t we talk about the fact that the Highland Park shooter, along with so many others before him, was a male under age 25?

Last week, in an article on The Good Men Project website, I proposed banning sales of semi-automatic weapons to males under 25-years-old. Obviously, this guidance still holds.

Below I’ve pasted a couple excerpts from The Good Men Project article. For the whole thing, go to: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/age-to-own-guns-should-be-25-not-21-heres-why-kpkn/

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Why target age 25? Because brain and developmental research indicates that male brains have greater variability in structure and development and may not be completely mature until age 25. After age 25, males become less impulsive and more capable of moral decision-making. Automobile insurance companies recognize this truth with hefty rate reductions after males turn 25. In addition, due to American socialization pressures around masculinity, older boys and young men are especially reactive to threats to their perceived manhood. These reactions often include acts of violence designed to restore a sense of masculine honor.

Anyone paying attention knows young American males are not doing well. They’re lost. They’re angry. They’re confused. They have few constructive rituals to help them become men. Manhood may be overrated and outdated, but boys need to strive for something. Becoming a man is a tried and true tradition that’s hard to escape—if only because the media pushes it so hard. Boys need to man-up, but what does that even mean? Join the military? Smoke cigars? Take stupid risks? Watch American football? Hunt? Fish? Play violent video games? Retreat to a “man cave,” Join the Proud Boys? Grow beards? Deny COVID? Fight? Have sex? Get revenge? Never apologize or show weakness? Demean women and gays? Buy an AR-15?

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We need to address the emotional and psychological well-being of boys and young men. We also need to stop allowing them access to semi-automatic weapons.

To access the full article, click here: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/age-to-own-guns-should-be-25-not-21-heres-why-kpkn/

New Article on Firearms, Young Males, and Mass Shootings

Here’s a link to an article published today on the Good Men Project site. In the article, I make the case for (a) restricting semi-automatic weapon sales to males over 25, (b) focusing on healthier psychosocial-emotional development for boys and young males, and (c) how it’s reasonable to ask people to make sacrifices for their country.

If you have interest in this area, check it out.

2020 Dreams from My Mother

Mom in Chair

By most estimates, moms have had it rough this year. Day care centers are closed and moms are working from home; at the same time they’re homeschooling, keeping their children from watching porn on the internet, and sanitizing everything. And then there’s that former reality television star who perpetually gets himself in the news, rambling in front of cameras about treating the novel coronavirus with disinfectants in the body. In an optimal world, mothers would get celebrated way more than once a year. In a decent world, they’d be able to protect their children from exposure to Donald Trump.

Looking back 50 years or so, my own mother—she’s in a care facility now—was a mysteriously effective role model. She was more submissive than dominant, never hit me or raised her voice, didn’t directly boss anyone around, but indirectly gave my sisters and me VERY CLEAR guidance on what behaviors were expected in our home, and out in the world.

Rarely did my mother explicitly tell us how to behave. But once, when an African American family moved into our all-white neighborhood, she proactively, quietly, and firmly sat my sisters and me down and told us we would always treat them with respect. We did. When my mom got serious, we never questioned her authority.

One time, she was driving and a car squealed past us in a no-passing zone. She sighed, glanced over at me, and said, “I’ll be very disappointed if you ever drive like that.” For the next 5 decades, including my teen years, my friends and family have ridiculed me for my slow, conservative driving. I watch my speedometer, stop at yellow lights, and slow down at uncontrolled intersections. My mother said it once, I remembered what she said, and I still don’t want to disappoint her.

Without a stern word, my mother taught us to love our neighbors (even when they were annoying), showed us how to treat everyone with kindness and respect (even when they didn’t deserve it), and modeled how we could be generous with our time and energy by focusing on the needs and interests of others.

Once, when the family was out watching Paul Newman and Robert Redford in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, a sex scene started. Immediately, my mom elbowed my dad, and I was ushered from the theater. My mom didn’t want me to see or hear things that might lead me down the wrong path. She would cover my eyes and ears (literally) to stop me from being exposed to negative influences.

All this leads me to wonder how my mother would handle the disastrous role-model-in-chief. Mr. Trump is a mother’s nightmare, spewing out perverted values on a daily basis.

My mother’s first strategy would be to not let me hear whatever terrible ideas Trump gets out of his brain and into his mouth. She would have blocked me from watching news pieces about Mr. Trump’s playboy models, paid off porn stars, shitholes, Pocahontas, pussy-grabbing, gold star families, and references to women as pigs.

As much as my mother would have hated Mr. Trump’s sexist and racist words, she would be even more apoplectic about his poor character. If we saw or heard Mr. Trump counterattacking his critics, she would have sat us down, and talked about how an eye for an eye will leave us all blind.

If my mother caught us reading Trump’s tweets, she would have gathered us around the kitchen table for a spelling lesson. She would explain, “there’s no such word as unpresidented,” the phrase “twitter massages” makes no sense, “smocking guns” is just wrong, “the Prince of Whales” is from Wales, and journalists cannot win the “Noble prize.” She would never allow us to utter the word covfefe in our house.

My mother would be deeply offended by Mr. Trump’s incessant lying. If she were parenting us right now, every day she’d find a way to show us how we should admit our mistakes, take personal responsibility, and resist the temptation to blame others. She would talk about truth-telling. She would explain that Mr. Trump being President is a tragic mistake and that we should all work very hard to make sure this tragic mistake ends, so this malevolent man cannot continue to abuse women, minorities, and the American people.

But, for parents like my mother, Mr. Trump offers small advantages. As a teaching device, horrendous role models work quite well. In the end, and with one sentence, my mother would steal away all of Trump’s past and future influence. She would say, “I’ll be very disappointed if you ever act like that man.”

And we wouldn’t.

 

Numbers, Men and Suicide in Montana, Liz Plank, and My 42 Seconds of Fame

220px-Elizabeth_Plank

Last month in Bozeman, I took a lunch break from a 6.5 hour suicide assessment and treatment workshop for professionals, walked out of the #IwontcallitGianforte Auditorium on the campus of Montana State University where #Idonotteach, up two flights of stairs, where I met Liz Plank and the amazing video recording and production team for the Vox news show Consider It.

Despite being in the middle of a wardrobe malfunction, I was fascinatingly anxiety-free. After talking about suicide for three hours nothing else really matters much.

Liz Plank is a big deal and a fantastic dresser. All that fits fabulously with her being a fourth wave feminist and 2018 Webby award winner. I was super happy to meet her then, and now, after having met her and done a couple Tick-Tock stunts with her (watch this 9 seconds: https://www.tiktok.com/share/video/6692077388945165573?langCountry=en), I’m still super happy to have met her.

Andy Warhol said we get 15 minutes of fame and Marilyn Manson sang about 15 minutes of shame. What I got in the final Consider It episode was somewhere around 42 seconds of a mix of the two (I’m estimating here because I haven’t timed it). But here’s the good news . . . and there’s lots of good news.

  1. The Consider It episode is now available for public viewing and it’s EXCELLENT. The title: What’s Behind Montana’s Suicide Epidemic? Obviously an incredibly important topic and other than my 42 seconds of fame/shame, very thoughtfully and artfully done (first person to post a comment that accurately identifies my exact wardrobe malfunction on the Consider It site will get a free JSF book of your choice). Yes, you can watch the best ever Consider It episode right here: https://www.facebook.com/consideritshow/videos/1395971993875811/
  2. When Liz Plank got her 2018 Webby, she did a 5 word speech. Listen for her 5 words here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i4pTOQ2YY5Y
  3. Wonder what the heck Liz Plank was talking about in her 5 word speech, find out here (spoiler alert, this video makes fun of Donald Trump): https://www.facebook.com/feministabulous/videos/140217433363072/
  4. If you want Liz to have John S-F back on her show to answer the question of why people vote for Trump against their own best interests, start using the hashtag, #JSFknowstheanswer EVERYWHERE and especially here: https://www.facebook.com/consideritshow/?epa=SEARCH_BOX
  5. For me to get my 15 minutes, all you have to do is watch the Consider It episode 22.5 times. https://www.facebook.com/consideritshow/videos/1395971993875811/

As always, thanks for reading and have a fabulous weekend!

John S-F

 

Please Support Trapper Creek Job Corps and the Other Job Corps Designated as Civilian Conservation Corps

Hi All.

I’m asking for help. All of the Job Corps designated as Civilian Conservation Corps are slated to be cut.

Below, I’m pasting information about Trapper Creek Job Corps. I’m also providing a link to a form letter with talking points, as well as an Excel sheet with contact info for various Senate Offices.

Thanks in advance for your help. Job Corps was started as part of LBJ’s war on poverty. It’s a program that gives youth and young adults ages 16-24 a chance to learn a trade and become a taxpayer who contributes to our country in positive ways.

I hope you will spread this message far and wide!

Here’s the letter:

Dear Friend of Job Corps.

This is not a drill. This is 911.

The media is out there; Secretary Acosta (Department of Labor) and Secretary Purdue (USDA) have made the agreement to eliminate the USDA’s role in the Job Corps Program. This means that Trapper Creek (as well as the other 24 Forest Service Centers, or CCCs) will be transferred to DOL, and Trapper Creek will be more or less eliminated as we know it. Our students will no longer be served by this program. Our communities will no longer be served by the extensive support of our amazing students. Our 55 hard working staff at Trapper Creek (and over 1,200 Nation-wide) who have dedicated their professional lives to helping disadvantaged youth will lose their jobs. It is clear this is an assault on our youth, our communities and our people.

My understanding is as such: the decision is to eliminate operations of the CCCs by September 30, 2019. This is not an arbitrary date: it is the last day of the fiscal year. Should this movement take place successfully, the contingent will have won; Trapper and the CCCs are over and done for. We lose our jobs and the thousands of young people served by the CCCs ever year will be without services. However, Congress was just notified today of this decision and, frankly, are not happy. The Forest Service Job Corps program has always had huge support from both sides of Congress; Democrats believe in the humanitarian component while Republicans believe in the fiscal responsibility of training young adults in poverty to learn the hard skills to get a living wage job and the soft skills to stay employed.

WHAT I NEED YOU TO DO: below are two documents.  The spreadsheet attached has contact information for Congressional folks in your states. Please make as many contacts as you can to them as well as to local political folks; mayors, city council, etc. We need as many calls and emails as possible from as many folks as possible. Democrats are already putting things in writing; Republicans are on board but all together too quiet. These folks need to hear of your displeasure of this decision.

Also attached is a form letter (5.23.19 CCC Agency Letter), talking points if you will, to use when visiting with these folks.

Please forward this message to all parties you know that care about our youth, our communities, our staff and the program at large. Facebook is a great tool to move information as well.

FEDERAL EMPLOYEES: do not use government time, equipment or material to move this information. You are welcome to use Facebook if you do not identify yourself as a Federal Employee.

The Talking Points letter is here: 5.23.19 CCC Agency Form Letter with Talking Points

The Excel spreadsheet with contact info is here: Copy of CCC Contact Sheet