Category Archives: Personal Reflections

Revisiting Rita’s Blog

Hi All.

You know how relationships can be. Sometimes it’s easy to take the person whom you’re living with or hanging out with for granted. This morning, I was reminded (again) that Rita is a very talented writer. So I’m sharing with you a link to her blog. Warning: Rita is exploring varieties of “God” manifestations in the world. It may not be your cup of tea; on the other hand, you might like the idea of ongoing conversations with God and therefore you might love her writing. In this blog-episode, God is coming back from a short vacation. If you’re interested, check it out.

via God Comes Back

Advertisements

Doing Behavior Modification Right

Toilet Drinking Ed

Opposite Day was on January 25th and, sadly, I forgot to celebrate it. Maybe that’s for the best now that it feels like we’re living in an opposite world where, as parents, we need to constantly monitor and compensate for what our children see and hear on social media, television, the news, and from the President.

About a decade ago I “invented” the term: “Backward behavior modification.” It’s sort of like Opposite Day in that it captures the natural (but unintentional) tendency for parents to provide positive reinforcement for their children’s negative and undesirable behavior. As a part of backward behavior modification, parents also often ignore their children’s positive behaviors.

Celebrating Opposite Day requires creativity, mental effort, and planning. Saying the opposite of what you mean is difficult. In contrast, backward behavior modification is all natural, but unhelpful. As parents, we seem to do it automatically. It requires creativity, mental effort, and planning to do behavior modification in the right direction.

The latest episode of the Practically Perfect Parenting Podcast is all about how parents can do behavior modification in the right direction. Now, don’t get me wrong . . . I’m not a BIG proponent of mechanistic, authoritarian behavior modification. However, as Dr. Sara and I talk about on the PPPP, behavior modification is a tool that most parents, at least on occasion, should have in their toolbox.

Here’s a link to the podcast on iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/practically-perfect-parenting-podcast/id1170841304?mt=2

Here’s another link to the podcast on Libsyn: http://practicallyperfectparenting.libsyn.com/

Here’s the official podcast description:

Behavior Modification: To Use or Not to Use—That is the Question!

Parenting is difficult. Parenting is also wonderful. As parents, most days we’re reminded of parenting challenges and joys. In today’s episode, Dr. Sara and Dr. John talk (and John dons his professorial persona and talks too much). Sara and John they talk about adding the crucial tool of behavior modification to your parenting toolbox. Don’t worry, we know how the idea of “behavior modification” can feel to parents; it can feel too sterile and mechanistic. The expectation isn’t for you to use behavior modification all the time, but instead to be able to use it when you need it. Even more importantly, our hope is for you to learn how to use it effectively. To help fulfill our hopes, Sara tells a story of behavior modification gone wrong and John and Sara share tips for using behavior modification effectively.

Don’t forget to like the PPPP on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PracticallyPerfectParenting/

And now we’re on Twitter. You can follow us there:  https://twitter.com/PPParentPod

Feminist Theory and Spirituality

Woman Statue

Continuing on our stroll through counseling and psychotherapy theories and spirituality, we come now to complicated crossroad; this is where feminism and spirituality intersect. Our focus is on how feminist theorists and feminist therapists deal with spirituality.

This intersection is complex primarily because the manner in which many religions characterize women’s roles and women’s potential is, shall we say, limiting. In contrast, feminist theory views the limiting of women as inappropriate, inaccurate, unacceptable, oppressive, and pathology-creating. All this is to say that when religion and women’s rights converge, there’s ample room for conflict.

The following excerpt from Counseling and Psychotherapy Theories in Context and Practice is a lazy stroll. It’s lazy because we don’t go very deep. Instead, because adherents of both perspectives may have strong beliefs (and emotions), we leave the going deep to you. As you contemplate going deeper, it’s nice to keep in mind the theological, philosophical, and practical idea of “Both-And.” There may be paths for becoming both profoundly spiritual and profoundly feminist. And, at least from the surface, the spiritual-feminist path has the look of something quite different from a lazy stroll.

Here’s the short excerpt:

Feminist Theory and Spirituality

Most dominant world religions have rules or practices that restrict women’s freedoms. In some cases, feminists view religion as abusive, coercive, and dangerous toward women. In most cases, feminists view dominant religions as laden with conservative, patriarchal values (Hagen, Arczynski, Morrow, & Hawxhurst, 2011; Jiménez, Almansa, & Alcón, 2017).

The naturally activist orientation of feminism can create tension between feminist therapists and specific religious practices. For example, female genital mutilation is considered a male-perpetuated human rights violation that sanctions systemic violence toward girls and women. Despite the feminist general philosophy of openness to diverse ways of being, feminists view systematic oppression of females in the name of religion to be intolerable (Jiménez et al., 2017).

Feminists see potential for affirmation and liberation in spiritual alternatives. Specifically, feminist writers have discussed ways in which sexually diverse women can use spirituality to enhance their resilience within oppressive sociocultural contexts (Hagen et al., 2011). Integrating affirming spirituality into feminist therapy is an acceptable and, for many clients and therapists, preferred practice (Funderburk & Fukuyama, 2001; Hagen et al., 2011)

Adherents to male-oriented religious or cultural norms are unlikely to welcome feminist critique of their values. This is where the potential for conflict is highest and where feminists could be viewed as imposing their values on other cultural or religious groups. Feminists view the systematic oppression of women as unacceptable, regardless of political, religious, or cultural justifications that might be used to support oppression.

 

 

Feeling Sad and Angry About Another School Shooting

20150326_165823

Hi All.

I feel sad and angry about the perpetual and unrelenting series of tragic shootings that have been happening in our country. In response, I’m offering part one of my National Firearms Safety Proposal. You can get to this proposal by clicking on this link to my “other” blog: https://mysecretmagic.com/2018/01/25/a-modest-firearms-safety-proposal-that-everyone-will-hate-and-why-thats-a-good-thing/

Thanks in advance for reading and sharing this firearms safety proposal. I hope we can continue working together to help make America safer.

Sincerely,

John SF

The Birth of My New Secret Magic Unprofessional Blog

John Rap

People sometimes say, “Rules are made to be broken.”

I always say, “That’s just ridiculous. Rules were made to be followed.”

But every yang has a yin and it’s come time for me to let a little of my rule-breaking yin out.

As you know, I have this (Dr. John Sommers-Flanagan) professional blog. It’s serious, with a side of irreverence. But despite my irrepressible irreverence, being narrowly professional left me feeling like an academic in a tweed jacket. As an example, I felt compelled to avoid politics and profanity. I began realizing that this professional blog was too much yang.

So I invented a yin-flavored unprofessional blog. In my unprofessional blog I speak more freely about politics and personal experiences. It’s also a secret blog, and I use a mysterious yin alias, so that helps.

In this professional blog (the one you’re reading now), I avoid particular words, especially words like “secret” or “magic.” I avoid these words because magic is fake, and my professional self thinks that whenever writers use “secret,” it means they’re marketing something. It’s like unveiling the “secret rules to happiness.” The rules aren’t really secret and they won’t bring you happiness, but the words work to sell books and get likes on Facebook and Twitter. I also avoid words that don’t fit with my scientific, academic persona. That means I don’t use words like countless or tireless, because they’re just stupid words; nothing is countless and no one is tireless.

The inaugural post of my new Secret Magic Unprofessional Blog is about gun safety. It’s unprofessional, so don’t click on this link unless you want to read my thoughts on the social and political issue of gun violence and gun safety. Here’s the link:https://mysecretmagic.com/

Okay, I know, gun safety isn’t even controversial and my Pathetic Open Letter to the NRA is political like oatmeal is political. That’s because gun safety is all about professional issues related to suicide, mental health, and child safety. Okay, so I use the F-word and called a certain politician a dip-shit, but that’s just me tossing in some unprofessional language to make a point about what’s right and good and I know you know that making a point about what’s right and good isn’t really much political.

If you enjoy my Secret Magic Unprofessional Blog, please LIKE it and FOLLOW it and share it NOW and OFTEN: https://mysecretmagic.com/. As is the case with most bloggers, my purpose isn’t to become rich and famous. Instead, I’m all about exercising my freedom of expression, while irrationally hoping that someone on the planet might hear my voice and experience learning or pleasure or meaning or inspiration or solidarity. Now that would be magic.

https://mysecretmagic.com/

The Psychology of Evidence-Based Haiku and Freedom (#WordsMatter)

nick-nacks

“Words were originally magic.” At least that’s what Freud said.

Freud, Captain America, and most sentient humans and cartoon characters who haven’t sold their souls, would likely agree that restricting words and language constricts human creativity and potential.

The White House is trying to ban the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) from using specific words. Not long ago, a five-year-old I know used the F-word. I put him in time-out. In this case, the CDC will get put in time-out for using the words “evidence-based” or “vulnerable.” Who does that?

It’s hard to find words to describe people who would restrict words, especially the words needed to report scientific findings. Ironically, for this government: Hate speech is fine. Pornography is no problem. Sexist language designed to demean is something you should grab onto and never say you’re sorry about. This is not a government that promotes family values.

Thou shalt not say: “transgender” or “entitlement.”

Who can use words to prohibit words? That’s a narcissistic megalomaniac fantasy.

Government repression of free speech has inspired me to reflect on the power of words. This reflection somehow led me East, into a temporary preoccupation with Haiku. The impulse to create Haiku with forbidden CDC words was irresistible.

Thou shalt not speak truth

Totalitarians shout

No science for you!

Once upon a time, we the people, formed a more perfect union. The purpose of said union was predominately to protect life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. For many, happiness happens when freedom includes science and a recognition that the CDC, being a government agency, is funded by me and you and, by design, is all about protecting life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. This made me think of Dr. Suess.

The White House is not the boss of me.

The White House is not the boss of the CDC.

The White House should not tell

Its citizens to go to hell.

We will free our words and use our actions.

To remove the man and all his factions.

I could understand the White House restricting use of the “F-word” or the “C-word.” But now the CDC isn’t supposed to use the word “diversity?” That’s a perversely impressive expression of totalitarian suppression. However, as with most totalitarian expressions, it misunderestimates (in honor of George W. Bush) a basic Haiku-truth.

Vulnerable white

Presidents must obey all

Science-based facts

There’s a robust psychological principle called reactance. In case you wondered, reactance is evidence-based. Reactance is resistance that naturally occurs when behavioral freedoms are threatened. What usually happens is: (a) Freedoms are threatened, (b) motivational arousal occurs, (c) efforts are made to restore threatened freedoms. This means we push back to affirm or re-affirm, our freedom. In honor of reactance, here’s a two-part 5-7-5 Haiku:

I: An entitled

Totalitarian once

Said: Shut the fuck up

II: Instead, we use words

To resist the regime that

Seeks devolution

Haiku can have spiritual dimensions. It requires slowing down, counting syllables, and ending a story near the beginning. There are several famous Zen Haiku poems. None of which are included here among my amateurish Haiku attempts.

This brings me to this blog’s end, which is also only the beginning of something else. To close, I offer a progressive Christian Haiku prayer for freedom:

Dear Lord Jesus, may

I kneel and say transgender?

Yes, my love, you may.

Parenting in the Age of Trump . . . and other Parenting Challenges

John and Paul with Fish

This past week, Donald Trump posted another name-calling Tweet about Kim Jong Un being short and fat. Before that, he was famously recorded by Access Hollywood saying it was okay to grab women by the pussy. Somewhere in between, he tweeted about shooting Muslims with bullets dipped in pig’s blood and referred to “firing those SOBs.”

This blog isn’t designed to be political. I don’t mean to be picking on Donald Trump. However, the extraordinary number of provocative statements he generates every day makes him a ready example of a poor media role model. His statements are often of the ilk that republicans, democrats, and independents would all rather not have their 12-year-old children hear, much less repeat. The point is that sometimes politicians, news reporters, comedians, musicians, athletes, and other celebrities make statements that are incompatible with mainstream American family values. This isn’t new. For those of us who were parents back then, about 20 years ago President Bill Clinton made a statement about oral sex that—at the very least—constituted horrid advice for teenagers. The other point is that somehow parents have to figure out how to best deal with provocative statements that leak out of the media and into our children’s brains.

In this week’s episode of the practically perfect parenting podcast, Dr. Sara Polanchek and I take on the contemporary Trump phenomenon, as well as the equally challenging phenomenon of comedians who try to make a joke out of holding a picture of a severed Trump head. How should parents deal with this stream of objectionable content?

Not surprisingly, Sarah and I have a thing or two to say about Parenting in the Age of Trump. We encourage you to contemplate, in advance, how you want to address revolting media-based material to which your children will be inevitably exposed. Our hope is for you to identify your personal and family values and then learn how to stimulate your children’s moral development. Bottom line: we can’t completely control the objectionable media discourse, and so we might as well use it for educational purposes.

You can listen to the Practically Perfect Parenting Podcast on iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/practically-perfect-parenting-podcast/id1170841304?mt=2

Or you can listen to it on Libsyn: http://practicallyperfectparenting.libsyn.com/

You can follow and like us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PracticallyPerfectParenting/

And just as soon as I gain better control of my Twitter finger, then you’ll be able to find us on Twitter too.