When I was teaching social skills to elementary school-aged youth, one boy couldn’t stop talking about himself. Because I wanted the students to be interactive with and interested in each other, I intervened.
“Ask a question about her.”
He nodded, in apparent understanding. Returning to the activity, he followed my instructions (sort of), immediately asking,
“What do you think of me?”
The question, “What do you think of me?” is powerful. We all wonder this, at least occasionally, and perhaps constantly. As I just wrote in a previous blog post, being seen and known by others is a profound experience. Having your strengths and positive qualities reflected back to you by others is a gift: https://johnsommersflanagan.com/2023/12/25/the-gift-of-being-seen/
The Natural Talent Interview requires vulnerability; it’s a challenging and potentially awkward assignment. I recommend it anyway. š²
Here’s a link to the version of the Natural Talent Interview that we assign in the Happiness Course. Note: It includes a nice description of self-awareness and the Johari Window.
Freud once said, āThere are many ways and means of conducting psychotherapy. All that lead to recovery are good.ā
Coming from rigid old Freud, that was a pretty wildly accepting statement. Iād like to apply it to gratitude.
There are many ways to practice gratitude. All that lead to meaning and happiness are good.
When it comes to gratitude, there are many āways and means.ā Let us count the ways.
1.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Gratitude for others who are in our lives right now.
2.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Gratitude for others, from the past; these people toward whom we feel gratitude may be alive or may have passed.
3.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Gratitude for a higher power. Many people pray to express gratitude. In Traveling Mercies, Anne Lamott said there are only two types of prayer. āHelp me. Help me. Help me.ā And āThank-you, thank-you, thank-you.ā Obviously, Lamottās second type of prayer is all about gratitude.
4.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Gratitude for a concept a country or belief system.
5.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Once, during a workshop, I had a teacher say she was grateful to her 16-year-old self for having the courage and good judgment to go immerse in Spanish, even though she didnāt like Spanish much. She went, learned, and is now a successful Spanish teacher. Very cool.
When it comes to gratitude, there are also many means. Let us count them too.
1.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā We can keep a gratitude journal. Journals are usually private, but sometimes not. Also, journals can be written, spoken, or video-recorded.
2.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Gratitude can be practiced once-a-week, every day, or at whatever rate you choose.
3.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā We can have surface gratitude, or we can dig down deep and keep asking ourselves, āWhy this gratitude for this person, place, or thing?ā
4.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā We can purposefully find a way to communicate our gratitude to the person or persons toward whom we feel it. There are lots of online videos showing what happens when people communicate gratitude. We like this one from SoulPancake: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHv6vTKD6lg
5.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā You can do a benefit reflection. This means that you take a few moments to reflect on (a) how much someoneās action helped you, (b) the time, money, or effort that a person sacrificed to help you; and (c) the fact that someone helped you on purpose.
Gratitude can have big or small benefits. Like everything, gratitude is in the eye of the beholder (meaning you will have an individualized response to practicing gratitude; itās not about what you āshouldā experience; itās about trying out gratitude and seeing how you feel). Generally, gratitude has small and positive effects on depression and anxiety. Hereās a link to a 2021 meta-analysis, if you want to read the science:
As always, I encourage you to experiment with gratitude. It might make a big difference, a small difference, or no difference at all . . . but itās hard to know if youāll benefit from gratitude unless you practice itāat least a littleāusing the ways and means that fit for you.
In the midst of an online workshop on happiness, I came to the gratitude slide, and asked the Zooming participants for their reactions. One person, a school psychologist, said, āI hate gratitude. Iām sick and tired of gratitude. Everybody talks about gratitude and how we all should be doing it. It just feels fake and trite to me.ā
Being aware of the futility of trying to convince anyone of anything, I listened, reflected and validated her concerns, āYes, gratitude can feel very trite, and it sounds like you pretty much hate it.ā Then I kept on rolling.
A few minutes later, I asked for a volunteer to engage with me in a live āgratitude experience.ā Of the 40 checkerboard faces on my screen, who volunteered? Of course, the woman who was āsick and tired of gratitudeā spoke up quickly, āIāll do it.ā
It felt like a set-up for my gratitude demonstration to fail. But Iām a professional . . . and so I forged onward, encouraging her to think of someone specificāpast or presentātoward whom she felt gratitude. She cooperated. I nudged her to go a bit deeper, āWhat do you think it is, in particular, that makes you feel grateful to this person. Tell me the details.ā She paused, responded, there was a sparkle of emotion, which I noticed and reflected back to her. In the end, she commented, āThat was cool. Maybe I donāt really hate gratitude. Maybe I just hate superficial gratitude.ā
This is a great example of the difference of thinking about gratitude vs. taking the time to feel about gratitude. Like everything, if we brush past gratitude like a stranger on the street, it can feel meaningless and trite. And then if people keep telling us we āshouldā do it because it has all these ābenefitsā we might become even more entrenched in our dislike of gratitude.
As with all things related to positive psychology, donāt do gratitude as an obligation. Intentionality in choosing to engage in a gratitude practice is foundational. Although random experiences of gratitude are fine, intentionally making the space and time to feel grateful is substantially better.
This week, your gratitude activity is part contemplation, part writing, and part action. Use the following steps:
1.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Identify someone toward whom you feel or have felt appreciation and gratitude. You may have plenty of options. Itās likely a good idea to choose someone toward whom you believe you havenāt yet expressed enough gratitude.
2.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Write a gratitude note to that person. Include in the note why you feel gratitude toward to the person. Include specifics as needed, as well as words that best express your sincere heartfelt feelings toward the person.
3.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Find a way to express your feelings directly to your gratitude target. You can read the note in person, over the phone, or send it in whatever way you find best.
Your goal is to express your gratitude. What that means is that you need to drop expectations for how the recipient of your gratitude should or will respond. Donāt focus on their response, instead, focus on doing the best job you can expressing the gratitude that you sincerely feel.
If the person loves hearing about your gratitude, cool. If the person is uncomfortable or not positive or silent, thatās okay. Your goal should be within your controlāmeaning that all you can control is your end of the communication and not how the communication is received.Ā Ā
If you feel moved to do so, please share your experiences on social media. Tell the world (and us), (a) what it was like to write the gratitude message, (b) what it was like to deliver it, and (c) how it felt to express your gratitude. Feel free to repeat this gratitude experiment a second or third time.
There are many other ways to approach gratitude practice.
Here’s one example, from a book that offers teachers and school counselors ideas for how to apply positive psychology interventions in school settings.
In the summer of 2022, we held a Strengths-Based Suicide and Happiness retreat at Boulder Hot Springs in Montana. The food was excellent and well-worth savoring every nibble. Additionally, we encouraged all the participants to do approximately 1-minute videos focusing on a practice in their lives that they believe to be helpful to their happiness.
Here’s Charlie, talking about savoring his experiences as a one-man heavy metal band
Charlie — We Rip
I think these videos are incredible. I love what everyone says. . . and appreciate the participants, the messages, and the videographers. I find myself savoring these savoring videos.
Below, Iām including a few links to more of our retreat videos that, more or less, focus on savoring. Theyāre short, theyāre cool, and I hope you watch, savor, and reflect on how you might do even more savoring in your life. Who knows, maybe you’ll even make your own social media video and share it with us and the world!
On TikTok, people often post challenges. A couple years ago, one of my former students reached out to me for a consultation because he was getting an unusual number of young clients reporting psychotic symptoms. Turns out there was a TikTok challenge to see if kids could trick their counselor or psychotherapist into thinking they were psychotic. This sort of āchallengeā just turns me speechless.
But, no worries. Iām never speechless for long.
Today Iām issuing my own non-TikTok challenge. Along with wishing you all Happy Random Acts of Kindness Day, Iām challenging you to adopt an attitude of kindness.
Random Acts of Kindness Day has been celebrated since 1995. Although I love randomness and kindness, as some of you already know, I believe our efforts toward kindness should be more than just random. We should put value into being a kind person, have a kindness intention, and then be waiting and watching for kindness opportunities around every corner.
Just in case you want a copy of my āIntentional Acts of Kindness Homework Assignment,ā here it is:
Good luck with the Intentional Acts of Kindness challenge. If you do something kind and feel an impulse to share it, please share it as a comment on this blog, or through your preferred social media platform.
And now, I present you with a kindness opportunity.
Hana Meshesha, one of our University of Montana doctoral students in counseling, is conducting a qualitative research study. Iām posting her call for participants below. If you or someone you know meets the criteria to participate in her study, please contact Hana. Her contact information is also below.
Hello!Ā
My name is Hana Meshesha and I am a doctoral candidate in the Counselor Education and Supervision program at the University of Montana. I am conducting a qualitative research study on the experience and process of surviving from sexual trauma for individuals identifying as part of a minority/underrepresented group. My goal is to develop a framework to better support survivors of sexual trauma. This research is approved by the University of Montana Institutional Review Board #213-22.Ā Ā
If you experienced sexual trauma and identify as a part of a minority/underrepresented group based on your sexual orientation, gender, race, and/or ability status, I would appreciate your participation in this study.Ā You are eligible for this study ifĀ you meet all of the following criteria:Ā Ā
Identify as a survivor of adulthood sexual violence and the sexual trauma is no longer intruding on your daily functioning
Have disclosed your experience to another person prior to participating in this study
Are 20 years of age or older
Identify as part of a minority/underrepresented group based on your gender, sexual orientation, disability status and/or race
Have not experienced childhood sexual abuse/trauma.
Participating in this study involves two 60-minute interviews focused on your process of surviving and healing from the experience of sexual trauma. If you are interested and willing, you will also be asked to share a poem, picture, song, or any artwork that represents your journey of surviving from sexual trauma. To participate or ask any questions related to this study, please contact me atĀ hana.meshesha@umconnect.umt.edu or 406-303-1794.Ā
Last week I was dancing and singing in India at my nephewās wedding. This week Iām jet-lagged in Missoula. But the afterglow continues.
Being at a wedding, it was hard not to think of my mother. She loved weddings and always wished for everyone to find love.
My sisters had similar thoughts. We reminisced and projected my mother into the scene of my nephew marrying an Asian Indian woman in a Hindu ceremony. We wished she could pop back into the world and join in.
Mostly, my mother was shy and insecure. She didnāt learn to drive until age 34. I often wished she had more confidence.
But there was one place where my mom found her voice, early and often. For mysterious and obvious reasons, she became anti-racist in the 1950s, before anti-racism was a thing. She delighted in visits from my fatherās Japanese friend, Carl Tanaka. When a Black family moved onto our all-White dead-end suburban street, she was the first to greet them with welcome gifts. She then sat my sisters and I down, and told us with piercing clarity that we would ALWAYS treat every member of that family with nothing but respect and kindness. They quickly became our friends. I have great memories of hanging out with my friend Darrell, who was the closest to me in age and in school.
What I didnāt understand about my momās anti-racismāuntil last weekāwas that she also had a solution. My sisters told me that my motherās favorite solution to all that ails the world was inter-racial, inter-cultural, and inter-religion marriage. Of course, Iām not naĆÆve enough to think that any single strategy could solve racism, but last week, during a three-day Hindu marriage ceremony, I returned home transformed and preoccupied with the idea that we can and should love one another.
The internet tells me that love one another has Christian Biblical origins . . . and more. Hereās an excerpt from a site that discusses ālove of neighborā in Hinduism.
Love of the neighbor or the āother soulā is a fundamental requirement for a functioning Hindu who aspires for final liberation from this world. Any injury or insult inflicted upon the other soul is ultimately injury inflicted on oneselfāor worse still, the higher being. Neighborly love is integral for oneās social existence in this world. The Anusana Parva (113:8) in Mahabharata encapsulates this wisdom and dictates that one should be unselfish and not behave toward others in a way that is disagreeable to oneself. [From: http://what-when-how.com/love-in-world-religions/love-of-neighbor-in-hinduism/]
The facts were that Stephen Klein married Sahana Kumar last week, in a beautiful coastal setting just south of Chennai, India.
In a marvelous stroke of luck, I happen to be Gayle Kleinās brother and Stephenās Uncle John. Along with the dancing singing (which I may have overdone), I was completely taken by the intercultural love and acceptance. The Kumar family welcomed Stephen and all of us to be with them not only in the celebration, but in relationship. At the Sangeet, we were invited to dance a Bollywood and a Hollywood dance. We were terrible AND we were completely accepted. To be immersed in another culture, to learn about Hinduism, to experience glimpses of the Southern Indian cultural ways of being . . . was AMAZING.
In love and in relationship, we often fall short. Itās hard to love our politically different family members. Itās hard to love when we feel annoyed. Sometimes, as I heard the famous Julie and John Gottman say, itās even hard to find the time and timing to love our romantic partners. But love is big and, thanks to my sisters and Stephen, Sahana, and the Kumars, I understand love a little better this week. The intent to love people who are different than us; the invitation to be in relationship across cultures and generations; the desire to be as loving as we can be . . . those are the ways of being my mom might be shouting from the heavens. Ā Ā
Earlier this week Rita and I got to talk about love for 90 minutes with Dr. Tim Nicolls and his Honors class titled āLoveā at the University of Montana. Itās a fun gig. We get to tell stories about our own romantic history, weave in Alfred Adlerās many amazing love quotations, and walk though Julie and John Gottmanās six predictors of divorce, along with six strategies for addressing and shrinking those predictors.
Back in our courting days Rita lured me up onto the underside of Orange Street bridge in Missoula. Weāre so old that we were courting long before they blocked off the underside to romancing couples. Ritaābeing a balance-beam genius in a previous lifeāstarted walking comfortably along an 18 inch wide steel beam about 40 feet above the shallows of the Clark Fork river. Being naĆÆve and adopting the good constructivist mindset of not knowing, I followed. She just kept on walking as if there were no particular danger. I looked down at the rocks and water. By the time she turned to peek back at me, I was on my hands and knees and crawling very slowly along the beam.
To this day, Rita insists Iām afraid of heights. Of course, thatās not true. Iām not afraid of heights, but I am afraid of falling. I believe I was simply showing good judgment and trying to avoid dying during our courtship.
Our romantic bridge story links well to the classic social psychology bridge study on the misattribution of arousal. You can read the abstract here: https://doi.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fh0037031. Rita insists that she didnāt learn about how easily male college students can be manipulated into misattributing their fear-related arousal to romantic arousal until AFTER she led me onto the Orange Street bridge.
We like to call our lecture āLove Skills,ā because of our mutual belief that although love usually involves passion, lasting love also includes a generous array of relationship skills. As Adler pointed out, long ago, long-term romantic relationships also require the right attitude. He wrote:
āThere are too many people in our society who take, and [who] have great expectations, and too few who give. It seems that too much of human kind is caught in a love and marriage formula that states: Because I love you, you must obey me!ā
Ā In case youāre interested, hereās the link to our Love Skills powerpoints.
And hereās my favorite Adler relationship quotation:
āEach partner must be more interested in the other than in himself (sic). This is the only basis on which love and marriage can be successful.ā (Ansbacher & Ansbacher, 1956, p. 432)
Ā āNever work just for money or for power. They wonāt save your soul or help you sleep at night.ā ā Marian Wright Edelman
Recently, I was struck by the concept of influencer. As far as I can tell, influencers are all about working for money and power; maybe most of all, theyāre working for attention.
Today on NPR, I listened to a woman talk about vision boards. I wonāt mention her name. She said lots of influencers are using vision boards. Vision boards are all about envisioning what you want to get it to manifest. Other than the fact that vision boards are extremely self-centered, Iāll keep my comments about vision boards out of this blog. I wasnāt surprised that influencers are using all the woo-woo powers they can to get what they want. Okay. I know. Iāll stop talking about vision boards and influencers.
Or maybe not. At least I should acknowledge that all this is terribly Adlerian. When people donāt feel useful, or as if they belong, they can get overly preoccupied with attention, power/money, and revenge. Iām sure Adler would have had something to say about vision boards, had they been around in the early-to-mid 1900s.
Of course, Iām jealous of influencers. Beginning in high school, I had a wish to be featured, as a professional football player, on a United Way advertising. At the time, the NFL and the United Way had a collaborative thing going and I loved the idea of promoting the United Way from a place of power and influence. Of course, my football-playing days ended in 1979, but my fantasies of being able to reach people with the message that mostly we should focus on helping each other still deeply resonates in my soul. Itās too bad so many influencers are all about superficial qualities like fashion and appearance.
I do have tiny bits of influence here and there and I hope I try to wield that influence in ways consistent with my initial wishes to be in one of those old United Way adverts.
For this week and next week, youāll likely see my pathetic efforts to be an influencer. I want people to enroll in our Art & Science of Happiness course at the University of Montana. I believe engaging in the class can make people not only feel happier, but also begin experiencing less depression and more engagement in meaningful lives. Here are a few comments from previous course participants.
From a young man who described himself as depressed: āAfter a couple of weeks of participating and attending class I noticed that the slides and the activities really helped me out. I was able to finally have someone explain what feelings I was going through, why I felt this way, and what we could possibly do to improve. At first, I didnāt think any of this was going to work, but after trying meditating and positive thinking I noticed my overall mood was changing.ā
From a young woman who really loved savoring: āOne of the most influential activities for me was the activity on savoring. I found that mutual reminiscing had a really positive effect on me. After mutual reminiscing with my friends, I gained a lot of gratitude and appreciation for my friends and the experiences I have had in my life. This activity had a really positive influence on me and is something that I plan to try and do often after leaving this class.ā
From a young woman with plans to be a teacher: āThis semester of the happiness class has been really wonderful for me. I have two big take-aways. The first applies to my personal life. In class, we learned about how to build new habits, something that has helped me to progress this semester. The second take-away relates to my career. I am pursuing life as a teacher, and being in this class helped me expand my ideas about what we can teach.ā
From a young man missing his family during a lockdown: āCOVID-19 pandemic changed many things in my life. It changed how I was learning and prevented me from joining my family during Ramadan. But, looking at my situation: I am isolating partly to protect my health and mainly for other peoplesā health. And that is one of the pillars for being happy when you believe that others matter.ā
From a 30-something woman who likened the course as a trip down the Yellow Brick Road: āI have grown as a person that was made all the more valuable because I was able to do it with the help of so many. I deeply appreciate the people I came to know through this process. This class will only help people as it gives us the knowledge and skills to appreciate ourselves and the others in our life as we gain a better understanding of what true happiness looks like.ā
This last testimonial reminds me of something I said last year. That is, you should consider signing up for happiness class with a friend. Or maybe not. Because if you donāt sign up with a friend, youāre likely to leave with one.
Hereās are the deets on the class and how to enroll:
When
The course is offered āliveā on Tuesdays/Thursdays from 1pm to 2:20pm, beginning on January 18, 2022, ending the week of May 9, 2022. However, because the course is fully online via Zoom, you can also take the course asynchronously.
This morning, being behind not only on my grading, course planning, writing, and housecleaning, I also found myself behind on current events. As a consequence, I was forced (not literally, of course) to do an internet search to understand the meaning of the āLetās go Brandonā catchphrase or meme or whatever weāre calling such things in our contemporary and ever-changing vernacular.
What I found wasāon its faceādisturbing. After having won his first NASCAR event, a man named Brandon is being interviewed by an NBC reporter. He looks so young, so happy, and so excited to talk about his first victory. In the background, there is chanting. Although not PERFECTLY clear, if you listen closely and look at the video clip, some in the crowd are shouting, āFuck Joe Biden.ā The reporter, in an effort to weave the chanting into her interview, explicitly interprets the chanting as āLetās go Brandon!ā
At a deeper level, the chants, their interpretation, their re-interpretation, and their current use as a method for mocking and insulting President Biden, represent a deep, sad, and pathetic powerlessness. We all feel it. We all want to shout out our own beliefs, because, of course, we think our own beliefs are the best beliefs and the right beliefs and the beliefs that should be heard above the roar of the crowd.
What saddens me the most is that it also represents not only the deep divisions in our country (and the world), but that it has become viral fodder for confirmation bias and spinning. People see whatever theyāre inclined to see in the chant. Is it evidence of fake news or disrespect for the presidency? Have we caught the press intentionally remaking reality or have we caught Trump supporters in their anti-patriotic hypocrisy? The facts donāt matter much anymore. Polarizing is the thing. Sloganizing is the thing. Itās not so much about what unites us; itās about what divides us.
Like many, I feel a paradox. I care about the deep divisions. I wish I could bridge them. At the same time, I donāt care for people stoking deep divisions. I wish to ignore them.
All this brings me to something that I unequivocally and unapologetically wish would go viral . . . instead of the popular outrage and mockery.
After discovering and lamenting the Letās Go Brandon mockery, I read Rita Sommers-Flanaganās Sunday morning blog post. Hers are the messages I wish would catch fire on the internet.
She wrote:
āGod,ā I whisper, awake and facing morning, āYou know Iād like to extend my reach; do things that make me feel important and complete. Iād like to turn the tide of hate into an ocean of love. Iād like to make the fear go away.ā
This is the call for unity, love, and peace that SHOULD be in my newsfeed.
Hereās another line: āI am of your doing, and you of mine.ā Just spectacular.
Ritaās blog is titled, āShort visits with an honest God.ā Should you be interested in deeper unity, hereās the link to her blog: https://godcomesby.com/ . . .
This afternoon, Rita and I are doing a short lecture for the University of Montana Honors College course (HONR 391) titled “Love.” Dr. Timothy Nichols, Dean of the Honors College is teaching the course. They’ve covered a ton of very cool stuff (academic speak here) and Rita and I are getting a chance to throw 2 of our cents in.
While putting together the powerpoints, I also discovered and captured a 4 minute video of my parents talking about love and their relationship. The video was produced on Valentine’s Day of 2008 by Regence Blue Shield of Oregon. I contacted them and they said, of course, I could share the video . . . so, here it is:
The place to click if you want to learn about psychotherapy, counseling, or whatever John SF is thinking about.
John Sommers-Flanagan 