Category Archives: Tough Kids

Bozeman Workshops on Parenting

I’m just about to hit the road to Bozeman to provide a short class and evening presentation for Thrive and the Big Sky Youth Empowerment Program (BYEP). These are two fantastic organizations and I’m honored to make the trip and spend time talking about youth and how parents can move toward being the parents they want to be.

The 1:30pm presentation is titled, “Strategies and Techniques for Influencing and Motivating Children and Teenagers” and the powerpoints are here: Thrive Bozeman Motivation 2019

The 6:00pm workshop is at the Bozeman Public Library and is titled, “Transforming Explosive Tantrums Into Cooperation: Strategies for Helping Children (and Caretakers) Achieve Emotional Regulation.” Yep. . . that’s a mouthful. Here’s the powerpoint: Thrive Bozeman Explosive Solutions 2019

I also have a summary handout for participants here: Thrive Explosive Handout 2019

If you want more information about Thrive and BYEP and the cool and important work they do, you can find Thrive information here: https://allthrive.org/

And BYEP here:  https://www.byep.org/

Okay. Now, on to the important stuff: Go Griz!

Hatches B

 

How to Make a Collaborative Plan for Terminating Counseling without Ever Using the Word Termination

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Not long ago I noticed some of my excellent and well-intended supervisees talking with their clients about “termination.” They would say things like, “We need to prepare for termination” or “Let’s talk about termination today.” When this happened, I’d get nervous, squirm a bit, and eventually find a way to tell my supervisees that, although we use the word termination all the time when talking with each other ABOUT counseling, we shouldn’t use it when talking with clients DURING counseling.

Instead of saying termination, it’s preferable to talk about final sessions, or the ending of counseling, or to use normal and jargon-free words that speak to the reality that all good things—including counseling—must end. Sometimes the number of counseling sessions possible is dictated in advance by employee assistance program guidelines or insurance companies; other times, clients and counselors have more freedom to work together as long as the work is helpful or productive. Either way, ongoing conversations linking goals to progress is a part of an evidence-based approach to counseling and psychotherapy. Effective counselors connect the “ending” of counseling with the goals that were, in the beginning of counseling, collaboratively identified (and then possibly modified as needed).

Although you should use your own words, statements like some of the following can help you talk with clients or students about termination without using the word termination.

  • “Let’s talk about how our counseling is going and whether we’re making progress toward your goals”
  • “How do you feel about our counseling together?”
  • “I’d love to talk about what I can do differently to keep helping you move forward toward your goals.”

Speaking of termination—and now I’m speaking to you and not my clients—below you’ll find a Termination Checklist that you might find helpful as you talk with your students about preparing for termination. As will everything, this checklist is imperfect, but it’s a good start to help all of us address the ending of counseling, before counseling actually ends.

Termination Checklist

[Adapted from Sommers-Flanagan, J., and Sommers-Flanagan, R., (2007).
Tough Kids, Cool Counseling: User-Friendly Approaches with Challenging Youth.
Alexandria, VA: American Counseling Association]

This is a guide to help you think about termination—even though some of the details will be different for you and your client(s).

_____ 1. At the outset and throughout counseling, identify progress in the movement toward termination (e.g., “Before our meeting today, I noticed we have 4 more sessions left,” or “You are doing so well at home, at school, and with your friends. . . let’s talk about how much longer you’ll want or need to come for counseling”).

_____ 2. Reminisce about early sessions or the first time you and your client met. For example: “I remember something you said when we first met, you said: ‘there’s no way in hell I’m gonna talk with you about anything important.’ Remember that? I have it right here in my notes. You weren’t exactly excited about coming for counseling.”

_____ 3. Identify and describe positive behaviors, attitude, and/or emotional changes. This is part of the process of providing feedback regarding problem resolution and goal attainment: “I’ve noticed something about you that has changed. Do you mind if I share what I’ve noticed?” [Client gives permission]. It used to be that you wouldn’t let adults get close to you. And you wouldn’t accept compliments from adults. Now, from what you and your parents tell me and from how you act in here, it’s obvious that you give adults a chance. You don’t automatically push adults away from you. I think that’s a good thing.”

_____ 4. You should acknowledge, in advance, that the end of counseling is coming up, but there’s a possibility you’ll see each other in the future. “Our next session will be our last session. I guess there’s a chance we might see each other sometime, at the mall or somewhere. If we do see each other, I hope it’s okay for me to say hello. But I want you to know that I’ll wait for you to say hello first. And of course, if we see each other in public, I’ll never say anything about you having been in counseling.”

_____ 5. Identify a positive personal attribute that you noticed during counseling. This should be a personal characteristic separate from your client’s goals: “From the beginning of our time together, I’ve always enjoyed your sense of humor. You’re really creative and really funny, but you can be serious too. Thanks for letting me see both those sides. It took courage for you to get serious and tell me how you’ve been feeling about your mom.”

_____ 6. If there’s unfinished business (and there always will be) provide encouragement for continued work and personal growth: “Of course, your life isn’t perfect, but I have confidence that you’ll keep working on communicating well with your sister and those other things we’ve been talking about.” You may want to say that even though your client doesn’t “need” counseling, choosing to come back for counseling in the future might be helpful: “You know some people come to counseling to work on big problems; other people come because they find counseling helps them be a better person; and other people just like counseling. You might decide you want start up again for any of these reasons.”

_____ 7. Provide opportunities for feedback to you: “I’d like to hear from you. What did you think was most helpful about coming to counseling? What did you think was least helpful?” You can add to this any genuine statements about things you wish you’d done differently. For example, if your client got angry at you for misunderstanding something and this was processed earlier, you might say: “And of course I wish I had heard you correctly and understood you the first time around on that [issue], but I’m glad we were able to talk through it and keep working together.”

_____ 8. If it’s possible, let the client know that he or she may return for counseling in the future: “I hope you know you can come back for a meeting sometime in the future if you want or need to.”

_____ 9. Make a statement about your hope for the client’s positive future: “I’ll be thinking of you and hoping that things work out for the best. Of course, like I said in the beginning, I’m hoping you get what you want out of life, just as long as it’s legal and healthy.”

_____ 10. As needed, listen to and discuss how your client is feeling about ending counseling. Don’t make this into a big deal, but offer opportunities for the client to say “I can hardly wait for the end of this counseling crap” or “I wish we could keep meeting.” Whatever your client is feeling about termination warrants respectful listening.

_____ 11. Consider a parting gift. Although I don’t routinely recommend this with adults, with young clients you might give a meaningful gift at the end of counseling. It could be anything from a painted rock to a blank notebook for writing or a written card. The point is to give a gift that’s not especially expensive, but that might hold meaning for your client in the future.

For more information on termination with youth, go to: https://www.amazon.com/Tough-Kids-Cool-Counseling-User-Friendly-ebook/dp/B00QYU630Q/ref=sr_1_7?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1550512844&sr=1-7&keywords=sommers-flanagan

Why Kids Lie: The Podcast

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I still recall the first chapter of the first statistics textbook I ever read. It was titled, Lying with Statistics. Pretty cool title. At least I think that was the title. Is it still a lie if I think I’m remembering something accurately, but I get a few details wrong? Maybe it’s a partial lie. In psychology, we call that confabulation.

We all know first-hand about lying. Maybe we tried it out ourselves, in the past, of course. Or maybe we still engage in a little dissembling here or there. And, undoubtedly, we’ve likely been on the other end of a lie. Is that called being on the “butt-end” of a lie? If not, it should be, because that’s how it feels.

How about for you? How does it feel to tell a lie? Does it feel different when you get away with it versus when you get caught? How does it feel when someone lies to you? I can answer these questions from my perspective, but this post isn’t about me. It’s about you, your children, your friends, your colleagues at work, and obviously, it’s about American politicians. In particular, it’s about you and your children. If you’re like most parents (and humans), when your children lie to you, you might feel some flashes of anger. Although the anger is natural, in our Practically Perfect Parenting Podcast episode on “Why Kids Lie,” we recommend trying to follow the old Families First Boston motto of, “Get curious, not furious.”

Like everything, lying is developmental. Most of us lied about something, sometime, while growing up. But for most of us (I hope), the usefulness of lying started fading and was replaced by the usefulness and value of being honest. Our hope for you is that, if your children are lying, you can help them grow out of it.

Below is the blurb about this week’s PPPP episode. As usual, you can listen on iTunes (https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/practically-perfect-parenting-podcast/id1170841304?mt=2) or Libsyn (http://practicallyperfectparenting.libsyn.com/) and you can follow the PPPP on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/PracticallyPerfectParenting/).

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When it comes to boastful lying, there’s no better example than Penelope, one of Kristen Wiig’s characters on SNL. Penelope is incessantly popping up here and there, basically lying her ass off. The purpose of Penelope’s lies appear relatively straightforward. She seems to be insecure on the inside, therefore, she boasts and brags about her amazing accomplishments, constantly “one-upping” anything that anyone else says.

On second thought, maybe there’s another fictional-nonfiction character who does her one better in the lying department, but let’s not go there.

This Practically Perfect Parenting podcast on lying focuses on two key issues: (1) Why children lie . . . and (2) How parents can handle their children’s lying in ways that encourage honesty.

Sara and John review many different motivations for lying. These include, but are not limited to Penelope’s ego-boosting motivation. For parents, it can be helpful to understand the goals of your children’s lies. Obviously (or maybe not so obviously), if your children lie because they’re afraid to admit they did something wrong, then using harsh punishment with your children may make them even more afraid to tell you the truth and more inclined to lie and more likely to become even better liars.

Not surprisingly, in this episode, John tells a few lies. You’ll have to listen to see how Sara handles him.

Tough Kids Workshop Day Two Handouts

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Right now I’m in the middle of a two-day workshop on working with challenging parents and youth . . . and loving it. If you’re not attending this workshop, you’re missing the best two day workshop ever (at least until April, when I do another two-day workshop). But even if you’re not in the room, you’re still welcome to access these handouts if you like.

Here they are:

UM Workshop 2018 Day II REV

 

 

UM Workshop 2018 Day 2 Handout 2

Upcoming Workshops!

John II

Coming up in March and April, I’ve got two, two-day professional workshops scheduled at the University of Montana. Together, these workshops can earn you 2-credits through the U of M . . . or you can enroll for continuing education credit (one workshop = 2 days = 13 CE hours). Whatever you decide, coming to Missoula in early March and early April is pretty fabulous. We’ve scheduled these workshops for the first Friday and Saturday in Missoula to coincide with the First Friday Art Walk. That way you can workshop during the day and walk around downtown Missoula and check out fantastic Montana art Friday evening.

The workshops and their descriptions are below:

March 2 and 3, 8:30am to 4:30pm: Working with Challenging Youth and Parents . . .  and Loving It

Counseling difficult youth and challenging parents can be immensely frustrating or splendidly gratifying. The truth of this statement is so obvious that the supportive reference, at least according to many teenagers is, “Duh!” Using storytelling, video clips, live demonstrations, group discussion, and skill-building break-out sessions, John will present essential evidence-based principles and over 20 specific techniques for influencing “tough” clients or students. Techniques for working with youth will include, but are not limited to: (a) the affect bridge, (b) what’s good about you?, (c) empowered storytelling, (d) generating behavioral alternatives, (e) the three-step emotional change technique, and many more. Dr. Sara Polanchek will join John for the parenting portion of the workshop. They will describe essential principles for working effectively with parents, how to conduct brief parenting consultations using a positive, solution-focused model, and strategies for providing parents with specific suggestions and advice to parents. Issues related to ethics and culture will be highlighted and discussed throughout this two-day workshop.

Here’s a link to the registration form for both workshops. Registration Form for JSF Workshops 2018

If you want to call for more information: Call 406-243-5252 and leave a message if our administrative person is away. Or you can always email me: john.sf@mso.umt.edu

April 6 and 7, 8:30am to 4:30pm: Variations on the Clinical Interview: Collaborative Approaches to Mental Status Examinations, Suicide Assessment, and Suicide Interventions

The clinical interview is the headwaters from which all mental health assessment and interventions flow. In this workshop, following an overview of clinical interviewing principles and practice, skills training for conducting the mental status examination (MSE) and suicide assessment interviews will be provided. Participants will learn MSE terminology, common symptom clusters and presentations, and strategies through which the MSE can be more collaborative and user-friendly. Additionally, participants will learn a flexible model for conducting suicide assessments. This model features eight core suicide dimensions and techniques for directly and collaboratively questioning clients about suicide ideations, previous attempts, hopelessness, and more. Five suicide interventions will be featured: alternatives to suicide; separating suicide intent from the self; interpersonal re-connection; neodissociation; and safety-planning.

One last note: On Wednesday, February 14, I’ll be doing my annual 1/2 day workshop on Tough Kids, Cool Counseling in the Schools at the annual meeting of the National Association of School Psychologists (NASP). We’re in Chicago this year. So if you happen to be in Chicago, check out the NASP conference. https://www.nasponline.org/professional-development/nasp-2018-annual-convention

 

 

 

The Extra California Association for School Psychologists Handout

This morning I’m in Orange County, CA on my way to Chicago from Missoula and, naturally, feeling a little emotionally dysregulated. I never used to like the term emotional dysregulation much, but now I think it’s pretty good. Among other things, relational disruptions, travel, and trauma can all produce a mix of emotions that might be aptly described as emotional dysregulation. Recently, I’ve had an experience where I find my response is relatively equal and shifting parts of excitement and anxiety. It’s not a terrible experience; I know there’s positive excitement in there somewhere. But sometimes it gets overshadowed by the anxiety.

Back to Orange County. The link below takes all the CASP participants (and other interested parties) to the “long form” of the presentation for today, which is quite surprisingly titled, “Tough Kids, Cool Counseling.”

 

CASP Extra Handout

Upcoming Workshops: L.A., Chicago, Morgantown, and Greensburg (outside Pittsburg)

Rainbow 2017

October is almost always a big month for counseling and psychology conferences and workshops. This October is no exception. I’m posting my October workshop presentation schedule here, just in case you want to say hello and possible collect some continuing education credit.

On Thursday, October 5, I’ll be in Orange County for the California Association for School Psychologists conference. Here’s a link: https://event.casponline.org/#intro

On Sunday, October 8, I’ll be in Chicago for the Association of Counselor Educators and Supervisors to present on the Mental Status Examination with Thom Field of the City University of Seattle.

On Thursday, October 12, I’ll be in Morgantown, WV for an afternoon workshop with counseling and psychology students from West Virginia University.

On Friday, October 13, I’ll be in Greensburg, PA (just outside Pittsburgh) for an all-day workshop sponsored by Indiana University of Pennsylvania. The link: https://www.iup.edu/counseling/centers/upcoming-workshops-and-events/

Today is the first day of Autumn . . . I hope this signals the end of hurricanes, floods, fires, and other challenges so many people are facing.