Tag Archives: parents

Parenting, Personal Reflections, Writing

Working Effectively with Parents: Powerpoints from the 1st Annual Missoula Education Summit

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I had an awesome day yesterday with many amazing Missoula educators. I always respect and admire educators for their willingness to enter classrooms with large groups of young people. I have many reasons upon which I base the belief–that educators deserve respect and admiration–not the least of which is my lived experience of having occasionally stepped into a classroom with young people. One of my memories is of hearing panic in my own voice, while asking the regular classroom teacher, “You’re not leaving me alone in here, are you?”

Sadly, now is a time in American society when teachers seem not to receive the respect and admiration I think they deserve. For multiple reasons (many of which strike me as misleading and political), it seems like there has been distrust sown between teachers and parents. Yesterday, I spent the day with over 400 teachers, counselors, psychologists, administrators, custodians, and other school personnel who attended sessions I offered. I was honored to be there. Being with them not only strengthened my trust in them, but also renewed my hope in the world.

Here are the powerpoints for my workshop on “Working Effectively with Parents”:

parenting-mcps-summit-jsf-2023Download

And here’s a one-page handout on de-escalation strategies:

de-escalation-handout-revDownload

FYI: My biggest takeaway from the Summit was that teachers and other school personnel who dedicate themselves to educating our future generations are simply amazing.

Pass it on.

Boys and Men, Parenting, Writing

Spanking and Mental Health

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Visual from the Good Men Project. . .

Several years ago, doc students in our Counseling and Supervision program started teasing me for being preoccupied with corporal punishment in general and spanking in particular. Somehow they found my concerns about adverse mental health outcomes linked to spanking as entertaining. They were very funny about it, and so although I was somewhat puzzled, mostly I was entertained by their response, and so it was, as they say . . . all good.

Despite their occasional heckling about spanking and despite my BIG concerns about the adverse outcomes of corporal punishment, I haven’t really done any direct research on the effects of spanking. Maybe one reason I haven’t done any spanking research is because Elizabeth Gershoff of UT-Austin has already done so much amazing work. In an effort to help make her work more mainstream, today I published an article with the Good Men Project titled, “How to Discipline Children Better Without Spanking.” The article begins . . .

“As children across the country headed back to school, some students in Missouri returned to find corporal punishment, with parental approval, reinstated in their district. They joined students in 19 other states where corporal punishment is still legal in schools. At home, most American parents—an estimated 52%—agree or strongly agree that “it is sometimes necessary to discipline a child with a good, hard spanking” Parents hold this opinion despite overwhelming scientific evidence that spanking is linked to mental, emotional, and behavioral problems. In a well-known and highly regarded study of over 1,000 twins, Elizabeth Gershoff of the University of Texas at Austin found that spanking was linked to lying, stealing, fighting, vandalism, and other delinquent behaviors. Gershoff’s findings are not new.”

You can check out the full article here: https://goodmenproject.com/families/how-to-discipline-children-better-without-spanking-kpkn/

Also, a big thanks to Kristine Maloney of TVP Communications for her edits and for helping get this piece published.

Happy Tuesday!

John SF

Parenting

Tips for Quickly Engaging and Influencing Parents: The One-Page Handout

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Over the past several weeks I’ve provided a flurry of short professional talks. In an effort to keep up, I’m posting a one-page handout from my presentation at the Pediatric Mental Health conference in Fairmont on April 29, 2022. If you’re into parenting and/or working with parents, this handout and content may be of interest.

The handout is pasted below:

Tips for Quickly Engaging and Influencing Parents

With John Sommers-Flanagan, Ph.D., john.sf@mso.umt.edu

  1. Remember: Parents are Facing Immense Challenges: Many parents are isolated and reluctant to reach out for support they need. Many parents feel super self-conscious and judged by American society, not to mention grocery story onlookers. Some children can access porn on the internet before they can tie their shoes. Children have more mental health problems than ever before in the history of time. No wonder parents are just a bit hypersensitive to criticism.
  2. Use Your Common Wisdom and Take Time to Make Empathic Statements: Never say, “I know how you feel” or imply that parents are being silly or dumb (even if you think they are), or react to parents out of irritation. Instead, make empathic statements like, “You’re managing a lot” or “The challenges parents face today are bigger than ever.” As time permits, listen to a story the parent tells you and follow that with an empathic summary before offering ideas.
  3. Know Your Buttons – Cultivate Self-Awareness: Be aware of things parents say that push your buttons and be aware of how you react. Make a personal plan to deal with these a little better every day. Replace your judgments with compassion for parents. Stay calm.
  4. Teach Parents to Use Child-Directed Play AND to Set Limits: Nondirective play with young children is like a developmental vitamin pill, especially in situations involving sibling rivalry and separation/divorce. Just 15-20 minutes of child-directed play twice a week can help build parent-child connection and address children’s needs for control (see “Special Time” tipsheet:  https://johnsommersflanagan.com/tip-sheets/). Limit setting (along with love😊) is essential to development. Using techniques like “Grandma’s Rule” (When you . . . then you. . .;  https://johnsommersflanagan.com/2012/10/12/grandmas-rule-an-example-of-using-direct-parenting-power-and-influence/ and clear limits (up-front) and small consequences will help with consistency in limit-setting.
  5. Teach Parents a Brief Problem-Solving Model They Can Use with Their Children: Join with parents to discuss problems and solutions. Hope and believe along with parents for positive outcomes: “I know you can do this.” Remember the five steps: (1) identify the problem, (2) generate alternatives, (3) review and rank the alternatives, (4) select one or more, and (5) evaluate what you tried. Consider giving a mutual problem-solving tip sheet: https://johnsommersflanagan.com/tip-sheets/

*Free content related to parenting is on John’s blog at  https://johnsommersflanagan.com/

**Content of this presentation is mostly taken from the book, How to Listen so Parents will Talk and Talk so Parents will Listen. You can find it on online.                                     

Parenting

Want to Learn More about Working Effectively with Parents? Sign-Up Now . . . or soon!

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Working with parents in counseling can be terribly frightening or splendidly gratifying. Having more knowledge and skills is likely to up your odds of having a gratifying experience.

Next Friday and Saturday (January 29 and 30) I’ll be doing a two-day class/workshop on working effectively with parents. If you want more knowledge and skills in this important area, the workshop is a good start. You’ll learn about grandma’s rule, special time, mutual problem-solving, and many other “interventions” with parents. You’ll also learn a bunch of principles and strategies for connecting with parents, deepening rapport, and making the most of limited time.

Signing up for the workshop is easy. Just go to this website,

https://www.familiesfirstmt.org/umworkshops.html

Then scroll down to Session II, for more info, and go to the bottom of the webpage to enroll. Be forewarned, unfortunately, it’s not free.

I hope to see you there. Of course, “there” will be on Zoom, because that’s what we’re doing now. Nevertheless, it will be fun and engaging and informative . . . and you just might get a chance to role play with me for a demonstration. . . which is pretty much always a good time.

Cool Counseling, Tough Kids Cool Counseling

Hanging out with the Virginia School Counseling Association in Richmond: The Extra Handout

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Richmond Statue

I just had an awesome day with about 260 Virginia School Counselors. You know who you are, and you know you’re incredible.

Just FYI, the state of Virginia is making a big investment in adding school counselors. . . which IMHO, is a very smart and reasonable decision. Other states might want to take note and follow their lead. The problem is that many school age youth are suffering from extremely challenging home, neighborhood, and school situations. Having more competent school counselors available to support student success, student mental health, and teachers is a wise move.

For all of the VSCA members I met today, thank you for coming, but more importantly, thanks for the deeply important commitment you make to the well-being of students in your schools. You are amazing!

Here’s the extra handout, with more details than the powerpoint slides: VSCA 2020 Extra Handout

 

Parenting, Personal Reflections

Inspiring Cooperation in Your Children

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Moose

**Photo courtesy of the amazing Dudley Dana**

As Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong sang in 1957, it’s “Summer time and the living is easy.”

In fact, if you’re a parent living on planet Earth (or the Missoula valley) and you’re trying to regulate your children’s access to electronic devices, the living may not be easy; it may be infuriating.

Way back in 1998-2000 I had a biweekly Missoulian parenting column. One of the most popular columns I ever wrote was about a popular and challenging phenomenon among children in 1999. It started . . .

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Here’s a quick parenting quiz.

Question: “How do you spell opportunity?”

Answer: “P-O-K-E-M-O-N.”

As if you didn’t know, Pokemon paraphernalia – the movie, action figures, and yes, Pokemon trading cards – are red hot items among many grade-school children.  Some adults question whether Pokemon obsessions are healthy.  Others contend that Pokemon monsters are evil.  Still others fuel their children’s Pokemon desire through unchecked spending.

When parents ask for my professional opinion about the Pokemon phenomenon, I put on my psychologist face.  I cradle my chin in my hand and look upward in a sort of reflective way.  Then I slowly speak Latin (not bothering to mention that I’m using ½ of my Latin vocabulary).  I say,

“Carpe Diem!”

Then, just in case the person I’m talking with speaks even less Latin than I do, I repeat myself in English.

“Seize the day!”

This is a precious moment in history.  We have at our fingertips – thanks to Pokemon monsters – frequent, repeating, and unparalleled parenting opportunities.

It doesn’t matter whether your child is into Pokemon, Furbys, Heavy Metal music, whining, or chocolate, limit-setting issues will undoubtedly arise.  And limit-setting is absolutely essential.  Parents must set limits — because their children won’t.

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Here’s the new question: If Pokemon monsters were all-the-rage and immensely challenging back in 1999, what monstrosities are plaguing Montana parents THIS SUMMER??

Cell phones and other electronic devices!

Even though your children’s relationships with their electronic devices is filled with crazy-making energy for parents, I deeply believe that my carpe diem advice from the 1990s still stands. All this points to using knowledge about your child, limit-setting, and logical consequences to transform the pain of dealing with electronic devices into the pleasure of having well-adjusted children.

If you want to take advantage of your child’s obsessions, consider making a short list of mutually agreeable rules (based on your family values or principles). For example:

  • Tell your child that rule violations will result in a warning or consequence
  • Follow-through and use empathy as appropriate
  • Remember that children need to learn from mistakes
  • If your child throws a fit or behaves aggressively, NEVER give in

Here’s an electronic device limit-setting example:

Let’s say you’ve talked with your son or daughter and decided that everyone in your family needs time free from all electronic devices. You make it clear that there will be no phones (or other devices) during family meals, during family chores, and during the hour before bedtime. The agreed upon consequence for violating this rule might be something like loss of phone privileges for 6 hours (if you make the consequence small, it will be easier for you to enforce and easier for your child to comply without completely freaking out). Then, if your child violates the rule, you can either give a warning-reminder (“I notice your phone is out. Please put it away or I will put it in our family phone lock-box”) or simply remind your child of the house rule and put the phone in the lock-box.

The cool thing about giving your children warnings is that it gives them a chance to change or improve their behavior. If, upon being warned, your child puts the phone away, you can praise the excellent decision-making by saying something like, “I noticed you put your phone away when I gave you the warning.” If your child makes a poor decision and temporarily loses phone privileges, then you can be empathic and encouraging, “I’m sorry you lost your phone for a while. That’s must feel upsetting. I bet you’ll make a better choice next time.”

Rather than droning on about the virtues of limit-setting to teach your children well, I’m stopping here to point out yet another fantastic opportunity.

The featured Practically Perfect Parenting episode of this week is creatively titled, Inspiring Cooperation in Your Children. And so, for more fun and entertaining information on this parenting topic, you can go to one of the following links.

On Libsyn: https://practicallyperfectparenting.libsyn.com/

On Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/practically-perfect-parenting-podcast/id1170841304

As always, feel free to comment, share, like, or shun this blog and the accompanying podcast.

Parenting, Tough Kids, Tough Kids Cool Counseling

Bozeman Workshops on Parenting

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I’m just about to hit the road to Bozeman to provide a short class and evening presentation for Thrive and the Big Sky Youth Empowerment Program (BYEP). These are two fantastic organizations and I’m honored to make the trip and spend time talking about youth and how parents can move toward being the parents they want to be.

The 1:30pm presentation is titled, “Strategies and Techniques for Influencing and Motivating Children and Teenagers” and the powerpoints are here: Thrive Bozeman Motivation 2019

The 6:00pm workshop is at the Bozeman Public Library and is titled, “Transforming Explosive Tantrums Into Cooperation: Strategies for Helping Children (and Caretakers) Achieve Emotional Regulation.” Yep. . . that’s a mouthful. Here’s the powerpoint: Thrive Bozeman Explosive Solutions 2019

I also have a summary handout for participants here: Thrive Explosive Handout 2019

If you want more information about Thrive and BYEP and the cool and important work they do, you can find Thrive information here: https://allthrive.org/

And BYEP here:  https://www.byep.org/

Okay. Now, on to the important stuff: Go Griz!

Hatches B

 

Parenting

Helping Children Deal with Fear and Anxiety

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Shark in Pool

Facing fear and anxiety is no easy task. It’s not easy for children; and it’s not easy for their parents. Here’s a short piece of historical fiction that captures some of the dynamics that can emerge when you’re helping children face their fears.

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“I’m scared.”

My nephew turned his pleading fact toward me. He was standing on the diving board. I was a few feet below. We had waited in line together. Turning back now meant social humiliation. Although I knew enough to know that the scene wasn’t about me, I still felt social pressure mounting. If he stepped down from the diving board, I’d feel the shame right along with him. My own potential embarrassment, along with the belief that he would be better served facing his fears, led me to encourage him to follow through and jump.

“You can do it,” I said.

He started to shake. “But I can’t.”

Parenting or grand-parenting or hanging out with nieces and nephews sometimes requires immense decision-making skill. I’d been through “I’m scared” situations before, with my own children, with grandchildren, with other nephews and nieces. When do you push through the fear? When do you backtrack and risk “other people” labeling you, your son, your daughter, or a child you love as “chicken?”

This particular decision wasn’t easy. I wanted my nephew to jump. I was sure he would be okay. But I also knew a little something about emotional invalidation. Sure, we want to encourage and sometimes push our children to get outside their comfort zones and take risks. On the other hand, we also want to respect their emotions. Invalidating children’s emotions tends to produce adults who don’t trust themselves. But making the decision of when to validate and when to push isn’t easy.

I reached out. My nephew took my hand. I said, “Hey. You made it up here this time. I’ll bet you’ll make the jump next time.” We turned to walk back. A kid standing in line said, “That’s okay. I was too scared to jump my first time.”

Later, when the line had shrunk, my nephew wanted to try again. “Sure,” I said. “I’ll walk over with you.”

He made the jump the second time. We celebrated his success with high-fives and an ice-cream sandwich.

Like all words, the words, “I’m scared” have meaning and provoke reactions.

Sometimes when parents hear the words, “I’m scared” they want to push back and say something like, “That’s silly” or “Too bad” or “Buck-up honeycup” or something else that’s reactive and emotionally invalidating.

The point of the story about my nephew isn’t to brag about a particular outcome. Instead, I want to recognize that most of us share in this dilemma: How can we best help children through their fears.

Just yesterday I knelt next to my tearful granddaughter. She was too scared to join into a group activity. She held onto my knee. We were in a public setting, so I instantly felt embarrassment creeping my way. I dealt with it by engaging in chit-chat about all the activity around us, including commentary about clothes, shoes, the color of the gym. Later, when she finally joined in on the activity, I felt relief and I felt proud. I also remembered the old lesson that I’d learned so many times before. In the moment of a child’s fear, my potential emotional pain, although present, pales in comparison to whatever the child is experiencing.

If you’d like to hear more about how to help children cope with their fears, you can listen to Dr. Sara Polanchek and me chatting about this topic on our latest Practically Perfect Parenting Podcast. Here are the links.

On iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/practically-perfect-parenting-podcast/id1170841304?mt=2

On Libsyn: http://practicallyperfectparenting.libsyn.com/

And follow us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PracticallyPerfectParenting/

 

 

Parenting

Sibling Rivalry: Episode 26 of the Practically Perfect Parenting Podcast

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This is Captain America, fighting with his younger sibling.

Sibling Rivalry II

Yesterday, morning my phone pinged me about a new episode of the Practically Perfect Parenting Podcast (PPPP). At first I ignored it, realizing of course, that this ping was about my very own podcast, so why pay attention. But then I thought, I should pretend I’m not the podcaster and just click into the podcast and start listening. So I did.

Much to my surprise, I didn’t hate it. Maybe that sounds weird. If you’ve ever listened to an audio recording of yourself, you probably know what I mean. Typically, I feel uncomfortable and dislike the way I sound (on audio) and look (on video). But I actually sort of liked the opening sounds of the PPPP. I thought both Sara and I sounded pretty darn good. Then I realized, of course, that all the credit goes to Mike Matthews, our sound guy and his fancy microphones. Thanks Mike, for making us sound far more sophisticated and smart than we actually are!

I should also say thanks to Joey Moore, because he reviews the audio recordings, deletes some of our “Ums” and other verbal problems, and then posts the podcasts on Libsyn and iTunes. Thanks Joey!

But now I’m worried. I wonder if Mike and Joey might feel competitive with one another. Maybe they feel like siblings (even though they’ve never met). Maybe I should have said thanks to Joey first? Could I be stoking a sibling rivalry?

Speaking of sibling rivalry, that’s the topic of this, the latest episode of the PPPP. And here’s the blurb Sara wrote about this episode (Episode #26, just in case you’re counting).

Two brothers, ages 7 and 9, were arguing over an imaginary cookie.  In a dramatic turn of events, the older brother brought the invisible cookie to his lips, and took an imaginary bite. Immediately, the younger brother fell to his knees, crying and wailing over the loss of this imagined—yet highly coveted and presumably scrumptious—cookie.  In this Practically Perfect Parenting Podcast episode, Dr. John and Dr. Sara attempt to unravel the mysteries of sibling rivalry and discuss how it can serve an important purpose.  They remind listeners that, although an understandable fantasy, eliminating conflict is not a reasonable goal.  Instead, by accepting a certain amount of sibling rivalry, parents can help children adopt life-long conflict management skills.

If you want to listen to the PPPP click on whatever link below that fits your needs.

The Practically Perfect Parenting Podcast is a bimonthly podcast by Department of Counselor Education Professor John Sommers-Flanagan and Clinical Director Sara Polanchek. The PPPP is sponsored by the Engelhard Foundation, the National Parenting Education Network, the Department of Counselor Education, and listeners like you. The 26th episode, titled, “Sibling Rivalry and Relationships” was released last Wednesday. Subscribe or listen on: iTunes, or Libsyn and follow on Facebook.

 

Multicultural, Parenting

Working with Parents Across Cultures

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This morning I have the honor and privilege to present an ACA Education session on working with culturally diverse parents. Part of the presentation is business as usual. Sara Polanchek and I will take turns talking about some of the ways in which we work with parents. This content is mostly linked to the “How to Listen so Parents will Talk and Talk so Parents will Listen” book.

But what’s exciting this morning is that two of our U of Montana doc students will intermittently offer cultural commentary on how to work with parents who are culturally diverse. Maegan Rides At The Door and Salena Beaumont Hill are the doc student co-presenters. I have already learned much from them . . . and will be learning more this morning. To share the learning, the powerpoints are here: ACA Parenting 2018 REV #274