Tag Archives: parents

The Fantastic Road to MBI in Bozeman

The RoadHenry James once wrote that you should never begin a letter with an apology. Oh well. Rules are made to be broken.

That’s not really true. Rules aren’t made to be broken. Yes, they get broken. But rules are made to be followed. Whoever said they’re made to be broken was clearly wanting to break the rules and engaging in some clever rationalizing to justify breaking them.

Which leads me to my apology.

I want to express my sincere apologies to the 200+ participants in my “Strategies for Dealing with Challenging Parents and Students” day-long workshop at the Montana Behavioral Initiative (MBI) in Bozeman. After you all left, I was in the SUB Ballroom A at MSU, packing up my computer, when suddenly I was hit with the realization that I’d gone 15 minutes overtime. Very embarrassing.

Even though I knew (all day) that the workshop ended at 4:15pm, I just kept on talking until 4:30, when, in that particular moment, I thought I was ending right on time.

I’m still embarrassed. Mostly I’m embarrassed because I hate it when presenters go overtime and so I try very hard to end on time or a few minutes early.

My best explanation, which may be a convenient after-the-fact rationalization, is that I was having such a nice time with you all that my unconscious just decided (on its own and without consultation with my conscious brain), that we should spend a little more time together.

Or . . . maybe rules are just made to be broken.

At the bottom, I’ve inserted links to the ppt slides from the workshop and a link to the Practically Perfect Parenting Podcast.

As I said in closing yesterday. You are all fantastic and I am immensely grateful for the work you do with Montana students.

https://www.facebook.com/PracticallyPerfectParenting/ [Please like the podcast on Facebook]

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/practically-perfect-parenting-podcast/id1170841304?mt=2 [Please rate on iTunes]

http://practicallyperfectparenting.libsyn.com/

 

Challenging Parents and Students MBI Handout

Why Children Misbehave — The Adlerian Perspective

Mud

Alfred Adler believed that all human behavior is purposeful. People don’t act randomly, they engage in behaviors designed to help them accomplish specific goals. Adler believed that although individuals may not be perfectly aware of the link between their behaviors and their goals, the link is there nonetheless.

In this excerpt from our Counseling and Psychotherapy Theories text, we describe the four goals of children’s misbehavior. Rudolph Dreikurs, one of Adler’s protégés, developed this theory of children’s misbehavior. Over the years, Dreikurs’s ideas have been extremely useful to many parents and parenting educators. It’s also useful to consider these ideas when trying to understand adult behaviors.

Here’s the excerpt:

Why Children Misbehave

Adler’s followers applied his principles to everyday situations. Rudolph Dreikurs posited that children are motivated to grow and develop. They’re naturally oriented toward feeling useful and a sense of belonging. However, when children don’t feel useful and don’t feel they belong—less positive goals take over. In his book The Challenge of Parenthood, Dreikurs (1948) identified the four main psychological goals of children’s misbehavior:

  1. To get attention.
  2. To get power or control.
  3. To get revenge.
  4. To display inadequacy.

Children’s behavior isn’t random. Children want what they want. When we discuss this concept in parenting classes, parents respond with nods of insight. Suddenly they understand that their children have goals toward which they’re striving. When children misbehave in pursuit of psychological goals, parents and caregivers often have emotional reactions.

The boy who’s “bouncing off the walls” is truly experiencing, from his perspective, an attention deficit. Perhaps by running around the house at full speed he’ll get the attention he craves. At least, doing so has worked in the past. His caregiver feels annoyed and gives him attention for misbehavior.

The girl who refuses to get out of bed for school in the morning may be striving for power. She feels bossed around or like she doesn’t belong; her best alternative is to grab power whenever she can. In response, her parents might feel angry and activated—as if they’re in a power struggle with someone who’s not pulling punches.

The boy who slaps his little sister may be seeking revenge. Everybody talks about how cute his sister is, and he’s sick of being ignored, so he takes matters into his own hands. His parents feel scared and threatened; they don’t know if their baby girl is safe.

There’s also the child who has given up. Maybe she wanted attention before, or revenge, or power, but no longer. Now she’s displaying her inadequacy. This isn’t because she IS inadequate, but because she doesn’t feel able to face the Adlerian tasks of life (discussed later). This child is acting out learned helplessness (Seligman, 1975). Her parent or caregiver probably feels anxiety and despair as well. Or, as is often the case, they may pamper her, reinforcing her behavior patterns and self-image of inadequacy and dependence.

Dreikurs’s goals of misbehavior are psychological. Children who misbehave may also be acting on biological needs. Therefore, the first thing for parents to check is whether their child is hungry, tired, sick, or in physical discomfort. After checking these essentials, parents should move on to evaluating the psychological purpose of their child’s behavior.

For more information on this, see Tip Sheet #4 on johnsommersflanagan.com: https://johnsommersflanagan.com/tip-sheets/

 

The PPPP Season 1 Finale: Why Youth Sports Can Make Parents Feel Crazy

This is it! Season 1 of the Practically Perfect Parenting Podcast is in the books (or in the cloud or wherever you put those things). This last episode (Number 16) ends with a cliffhanger. Happy Memorial Day to everyone, but especially to the memories of the many known and unknown fantastic heroes to whom we are in perpetual debt.

You can listen to ALL of the podcasts on iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/practically-perfect-parenting-podcast/id1170841304?mt=2

Here’s the description of Episode 16

In this—the final episode of Season One—Dr. Sara and Dr. John talk about how youth sports can be the royal road to emotional problems for parents. Highlights include: (a) a discussion of how easy and natural it is for parents to get overemotional about their child’s athletic performance; (b) ideas for emotional preparation; (c) the sorts of bad advice parents can yell from the sideline (but shouldn’t!); and (d) insights from Coach Collin Fehr, who, with his newly minted doctorate, shares the “best thing” for parents to remember. Other highlights (in this episode the highlights just keep on coming): Dr. Sara asks: “Are we a couple of liberal pansies?” and John shares his all-time favorite sports dream. Being the good sport that she is, the show ends with Dr. Sara claiming victory and referring to herself as the “winner” and to John as “the loser.” To learn more about John’s response to this trash talk, you’ll have to tune back in for Season Two, which starts in September, 2017.

Aggressive Golfer

Why You Should Listen to the Practically Perfect Parenting Podcasts

The Practically Perfect Parenting Podcast is live at:  http://tinyurl.com/ppppod

That’s the good news.

The bad news is that even though the PPPP has been live since October 31, John and Sara still haven’t become famous podcasters.

Apparently, these things take time.

Even so, we’ve gotten a couple fabulous reviews. Here’s one from Brittany Moreland: “For whatever reason, I have avoided “parenting manuals” of any type BUT folks this is awesome. Not only can I attest that one of the hosts (John Sommers-Flanagan) is a great person and parent, but objectively this is worth any parent’s time.”

Don’t delay. Right now you can access three PPPP episodes on our podcasting website: http://tinyurl.com/ppppod

You can also listen to all of the live episodes on iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/practically-perfect-parenting/id1170841304?mt=2#episodeGuid=2d80f23353e2c7f9d21af865f190d2c4

If you listen on iTunes, be sure to give it a rating. If you’re uncertain about what rating to give, we generally recommend 5 STARSJ.

On Monday, a new episode goes live. It’s titled: Get Curious, Not Furious: Discipline Again and Again and Some More.

Just so you’re up-to-date, here’s a list and description of the line-up through January:

Podcast Schedule

New podcasts will become live on a twice-monthly schedule.

October 31 – Episode 1: Dear Mom and Dad, Please be my Parent and Not my Bestie

Modern parents want high-quality relationships with their children. In this podcast Dr. Sara and Dr. John discuss the downside of forgoing parental responsibilities in favor of parent-child friendships. A balanced relationship where parents have strong emotional connections combined with parental decision-making authority is recommended.

November 14 – Episode 2: Practically Perfect Positive Discipline

Discipline can be a dirty (and misunderstood) word. In this episode, Dr. Sara and Dr. John knock-out old negative notions about discipline and replace them with new and research-based methods for using positive approaches to discipline.

November 28 – Episode 3: Discipline, Part 2

Dr. John and Dr. Sara continue their discussion of how parents can maintain structure and discipline in the family. In this episode they focus like a laser on specific techniques parents can use to set limits and teach their children positive family values and helpful lessons about about life.

December 12 – Episode 4: Get Curious, Not Furious: Discipline Again and Again and Some More.

You can’t get too much information about positive approaches to discipline. Seriously. That’s why Dr. Sara and Dr. John can’t stop talking about it. This episode will help parents step back and get curious about what causes misbehavior. John and Sara will review the four psychological reasons why children misbehave and focus on how to break through the obstacles that get in the way of using positive discipline strategies. This episode’s special guest: Meg Akabas, author of “52 Weeks of Parenting Wisdom: Effective Strategies for Raising Happy, Responsible Kids.”

December 26 – Episode 5: Sleep Well in 2017 and Beyond

As a locally renowned expert on helping children sleep, Dr. Sara shares her story of being an exhausted parent and offers her tips for parents who want to embrace the value of healthy sleep in their families. Special Guest: Chelsea Bodnar, M.D., a Chicago-based pediatrician and co-author of “Don’t Divorce Us: Kids’ Advice to Divorcing Parents.”

January 9, 2017 – Episode 6: Sleeping like a Baby (Should)

In this episode Dr. Sara continues providing tips on healthy sleep habits, this time focusing on babies. Medical and developmental guidance is included. Special Guest: Chelsea Bodnar, M.D., a Chicago-based pediatrician and co-author of “Don’t Divorce Us: Kids’ Advice to Divorcing Parents.”

January 23 – Episode 7: Post-Partum Depression

In this post-Thanksgiving special, Dr. Sara and Dr. John discuss the natural challenges of pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting. The signs and symptoms of postpartum or peri-natal depression are described and specific recommendations for coping with PPD are offered.  Special Guest: Jane Honikman, M.S., author of “I’m Listening: A Guide to Supporting Postpartum Families.”

General Program Description and Co-Host Bios

The Practically Perfect Parenting Podcast features Dr. Sara Polanchek and Dr. John Sommers-Flanagan discussing cutting-edge parenting issues, offering specific guidance, and sharing parenting resources. This podcast is a valuable resource for all parents interested in the art of parenting well. It’s also recommended listening for parenting educators, counselors, psychologists, social workers, teachers, and other school personnel who want more information on basic and contemporary parenting issues.

Sara Polanchek, EdD, (aka the Sleep Guru) is a licensed clinical social worker and Clinical Director in the University of Montana’s Counselor Education department.  Previously she was the Parenting Director at Families First in Missoula and continues to present at workshops and write articles on many issues pertaining to parenting and intimate relationships.

John Sommers-Flanagan, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and Professor of Counselor Education at the University of Montana. He is the former cohost of “What is it with Men?” on Montana Public Radio and former executive director of Families First Missoula. He is author or co-author of nine books (including, “How to Listen so Parents will Talk” published by John Wiley and Sons) and many professional articles, blogs, and rants.

*All podcasts are sponsored in part by a grant from the Engelhard Foundation and support from the National Parenting Education Network.

ry-and-twins

 

The Practically Perfect Parenting Podcast — Episode 2

Hello Parents, Fans of Parents, and Fans of Healthy Child Development:

I need a tiny bit of your time and help.

As you know, the Practically Perfect Parenting Podcast was launched on October 31. Yesterday, Episode 2 became live. The title: Practically Perfect Positive Discipline. Today, I’m flexing my marketing muscles (which, as it turns out, are disappointingly more like Gilligan’s than the Incredible Hulk)

Podcasts are a competitive media genre. One way we can try to improve our status from way out here in little Missoula, Montana is for people to listen, like, and rate.

Here’s how you can help:

If you use iTunes, here’s the link. https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/practically-perfect-parenting/id1170841304?mt=2#episodeGuid=2d80f23353e2c7f9d21af865f190d2c4

Please check it out and if you like it, like it, and then give it the rating you think it deserves. We’re trying to get enough ratings to climb up the iTunes rating list.

If you don’t use iTunes, you can get to our podcasts via this link: http://practicallyperfectparenting.libsyn.com/2016

And, either way, we’d love it if you’d like our Facebook page. To do that, go here: https://www.facebook.com/Practically-Perfect-Parenting-Podcast-210732536013377/?notif_t=page_fan&notif_id=1479160427608384

In addition to your social media ratings, we’re ALWAYS interested in your supportive or constructive feedback. We also take questions and suggestions for new show topics. You can provide any or all of that here on my blog or directly to me via email at john.sf@mso.umt.edu

Thanks!

Dr. John and Dr. Sara, The Practically Perfect Podcasters

pppp2

Shame, Humility, and a New Parenting Podcast

Life is humbling.

Today we launched our first episode of the Practically Perfect Parenting Podcast. http://practicallyperfectparenting.libsyn.com/

Leading up to the launch I was more excited than I thought possible. But today, mostly my feelings are swirling around like toilet water into a sewer of embarrassment and shame. I’m worried everyone will hate it.

But don’t worry. It’s not all bad. Humility is a good thing. I should remember that. The podcast won’t be perfect and neither will I. Duh. That’s even IN THE TITLE.

It’s funny—in the non-giggly sort of funny—how insidious feelings of inadequacy can be. Yep. They pop up like popcorn. Once they start, it’s hard to turn down the heat.

The good news is today I’ve dressed as Albert Ellis for Halloween.

albert-ellis-john

In case you don’t recall, Dr. Ellis invented “shame attacking” exercises. These involve exposing yourself directly to situations (activating events) that might trigger embarrassment or shame. His position was that if you do this, you’ll survive, and in the process prove to yourself that it’s okay to let go of the real triggers for shame: Your underlying irrational beliefs and thoughts.

So today I’m facing my Theories class, dressed in Christmas shorts, and will lead them in singing a couple of Albert Ellis Holiday Carols. At the same time, I’ll be embracing all reactions to the Practically Perfect Parenting Podcast, recognizing that some listeners will love the podcast, while others will hate it and possibly share their negative feelings with me. And, like Ellis said, I will survive.

Fortunately, my friend, colleague, and cohost, Dr. Sara Polanchek sometimes disagrees with me right in the middle of the podcasts. That’s a good shame-attacking thing that happens on a regular basis. It has already been proven that I can experience disagreement and live on.

In the end, the point of these Practically Perfect Parenting Podcasts isn’t for Sara and I to be wise and right all the time anyway. Parenting well is immensely challenging. No one is perfect. The point is to engage parents and parenting educators in ways that inspire reflection and intentionality.

We believe there’s no such thing as a perfect parent. Instead, we believe in practically perfect parents. Our definition: parents who humbly accept their imperfections, develop self-awareness, love their children, and who are open to learning how to be and become a better parent every day, over and over.

That’s nothing to be ashamed about.

Listen to the Practically Perfect Parenting Podcast here: http://practicallyperfectparenting.libsyn.com/

 

Announcing the WORLD PREMIERE of the Practically Perfect Parenting Podcast

Way back in 1996, I had the honor and privilege of becoming the executive director of Families First in Missoula, MT. Mostly I just empowered parents and stayed out of the way of our awesome staff. By 2003, when I left, the seeds for our Divorce and Shared Parenting programs, the Children’s Museum, and Tamarack Grief Resource Center had been planted and were beginning to thrive.

Then I moved on to the University of Montana.

But while at Families First I learned a ton from parents. I was supposed to be “educating” them, but they were equally effective in educating me. And this education has continued to percolate in me and to look for a way to be expressed.

This brings me to a big announcement.

On Monday, October 31, there will be a WORLD PREMIERE of THE PRACTICALLY PERFECT PARENTING PODCAST.

I invite you to check it out. http://practicallyperfectparenting.libsyn.com/

I also invite you to share it with family, friends, and on social media.

The Practically Perfect Parenting Podcast is about 25 minutes of Dr. Sara Polanchek and me talking about a variety of parenting issues. It will be posted online and new episodes will be available twice monthly. I met Sara back in 1998 when I hired her as a parenting educator at Families First. She’s also known as the Missoula sleep guru because of her keen skills at helping parents help their children sleep better.

The Practically Perfect Parenting Podcast is part fun and part education. Dr. Sara and I hope you’ll like it. We also hope parents benefit from listening to it. Even if you don’t agree with what we say, it doesn’t hurt to listen about parenting options and to think more intentionally about what sort of parent you’d like to be.

Back in our Families First days, the philosophy was to support parents in their efforts to parent just a little bit better every day . . . until eventually they all became perfect parents who were levitated into a special Parenting Hall of Fame. Of course, that’s a ridiculous goal, because there’s no such thing as a perfect parent.

Then again, maybe you can become practically perfect. Give it a listen and see what you think. http://practicallyperfectparenting.libsyn.com/

John and Nora