Tag Archives: spanking

Boys and Men, Parenting, Personal Reflections, Writing

Eight Secrets About How to Talk with Parents Who Spank Their Children

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IMHO, usually parents spank their children for one (or more) of several reasons.

  • They have come to believe that spanking “works.”
  • They have been told or educated about reasons for spanking, such as the old “spare the rod, spoil the child” message.
  • They experienced spanking themselves and have concluded, “I got spanked and I turned out okay.”
  • They are unaware of other discipline strategies they can use to get positive results, without hitting their children.

Each of these reasons are myths or the results of misinformation. If I wanted to get into a debate with parents who spank their children, I could easily win the argument based on logical and scientific reasoning. But, ironically, in winning the argument, I would lose the debate . . . principally because most parents who spank aren’t open to logical argument about whether or not spanking is a good thing. Instead of winning the debate, I’d be rupturing my relationship with the parents.

Over the years, I’ve learned to avoid rational argument and scientific evidence, and tell parents about these 7 “secrets” instead:

  1. Acknowledge that parents and child development researchers agree on one point: Spanking is usually effective at stopping or suppressing misbehavior in the moment.
  2. If you have spanked your child in the past, you are not a bad person; you’re just a parent who’s trying to make a positive difference.
  3. Most parents who spank their children have mixed feelings about hitting their child before, during, and after the spanking.
  4. I’ve never met a parent who wants to spank their children more; nearly all parents are looking for ways to spank their children less
  5. Even though it’s hard for some parents to believe, from the scientific perspective, spanking is linked to far too many negative outcomes to justify its use. In particular, spanking has adverse effects on mental health, emotional well-being, and child, adolescent and adult behaviors. The science on this is very one-sided in that there’s lots of science indicating spanking has negative long-term effects and very little evidence linking spanking to anything positive in the long run.
  6. If you want to spank less, you’ll need to identify, practice, and implement alternative discipline strategies. . . and that will be hard; it will take time, energy, and patience.
  7. It might help to think about learning to spank less as a sacrifice you make because you love your children. No doubt, learning and practicing alternatives to spanking won’t be the first or last sacrifice you make to be a parent. But, using alternatives to spanking might be the most long-lasting contribution you can make to your child’s future well-being and success.
  8. Medical and scientific organizations, including the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Psychological Association, and nearly every professional group on the planet, advise against using corporal punishment (including no spanking). However—and this is incredibly important—the recommendations are NOT anti-discipline. In fact, mainstream scientific views are consistent with parents as leaders, authority figures who set limits and deliver natural and logical consequences to help children learn what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable. Children need their parents to set limits, because children (including teenagers) are not very good at setting healthy limits for themselves.

As my former doctoral students would attest, I’m passionate about teaching parents not to spank their children. I’m also passionate about teaching parents how to use constructive and educational approaches to discipline.

For more on this topic, check out my recent article for The Good Men Project: https://goodmenproject.com/families/how-to-discipline-children-better-without-spanking-kpkn/

Boys and Men, Parenting, Writing

Spanking and Mental Health

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Visual from the Good Men Project. . .

Several years ago, doc students in our Counseling and Supervision program started teasing me for being preoccupied with corporal punishment in general and spanking in particular. Somehow they found my concerns about adverse mental health outcomes linked to spanking as entertaining. They were very funny about it, and so although I was somewhat puzzled, mostly I was entertained by their response, and so it was, as they say . . . all good.

Despite their occasional heckling about spanking and despite my BIG concerns about the adverse outcomes of corporal punishment, I haven’t really done any direct research on the effects of spanking. Maybe one reason I haven’t done any spanking research is because Elizabeth Gershoff of UT-Austin has already done so much amazing work. In an effort to help make her work more mainstream, today I published an article with the Good Men Project titled, “How to Discipline Children Better Without Spanking.” The article begins . . .

“As children across the country headed back to school, some students in Missouri returned to find corporal punishment, with parental approval, reinstated in their district. They joined students in 19 other states where corporal punishment is still legal in schools. At home, most American parents—an estimated 52%—agree or strongly agree that “it is sometimes necessary to discipline a child with a good, hard spanking” Parents hold this opinion despite overwhelming scientific evidence that spanking is linked to mental, emotional, and behavioral problems. In a well-known and highly regarded study of over 1,000 twins, Elizabeth Gershoff of the University of Texas at Austin found that spanking was linked to lying, stealing, fighting, vandalism, and other delinquent behaviors. Gershoff’s findings are not new.”

You can check out the full article here: https://goodmenproject.com/families/how-to-discipline-children-better-without-spanking-kpkn/

Also, a big thanks to Kristine Maloney of TVP Communications for her edits and for helping get this piece published.

Happy Tuesday!

John SF

Parenting

The Montana Parenting Podcast Needs You!

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In about 10 days Dr. Sara Polanchek and I will produce our first parenting podcast. This is a project supported by grants from the Engelhard Foundation and the Morris and Helen Silver Foundation. We are very grateful for this support.

If you’re reading this, consider offering us some assistance. Nope, I’m not asking for cash (not yet anyway). What we need is a little of your fabulous creative input. In particular, please email Sara or me or post on this blog your answer to the following question:

WHAT COOL, CATCHY, AND PROFOUND TITLE SHOULD WE GIVE TO OUR PODCAST?

Okay, maybe you need more information.

The plan is for Sara and I to produce about 50 parenting podcasts. Each one will be about 15-20 minutes long. We’re trying to be interesting, sometimes provocative, and cutting edge. For example, our first podcast will be on spanking or corporal punishment and, among other things (like our pithy and educational anecdotes),  we’ll be weaving science and Adrian Peterson and Chris Carter’s commentary on corporal punishment into the show. In fact, we have so much to say on this that it may end up being a two-parter.

We have many planned topics, but since our goal is 50 “episodes” you’re also welcome to provide us with your thoughts on topics YOU think we should cover.

We also have lots of expertise (IMHO), but if you happen to be an expert or know an expert whom you think we should have as a guest on our program, feel free to offer that too.

The goal of the podcast is to provide interesting and helpful information for parents and parenting educators. The podcast will be posted on the National Parenting Education Network (NPEN) website, as well as other websites interested in promoting positive, research-based, developmentally sensitive parenting for the 21st century. You can check out NPEN at npen.org. We advocate FIRM, but NONVIOLENT parenting.

In summary, please share any or all of the following:

YOUR IDEAS FOR A SMASHING PODCAST TITLE

YOUR IDEAS FOR FUN AND INTERESTING TOPICS

and (here’s the money thing)

YOUR IDEAS FOR COMPANIES OR INDIVIDUALS WHOM YOU THINK WOULD LIKE TO SPONSOR INDIVIDUAL SHOWS FOR THE BARGAIN PRICE OF $200 (OR MORE).

Thanks for reading and have a fabulous weekend!

John SF

 

 

Parenting

The Classroom Swat (or Why I Don’t Believe in Spanking)

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Mr. Carter was 6’2” and so I had to look up 14 inches to make glancing eye contact one last time before he said, “Grab your ankles.” Then I bent over. Then there was a loud pop. And then . . . the searing burn. 

It was my first and last classroom swat. I stood up quickly. I stuck out my chest and held my head high. I knew from watching the swat routine previously that it was all about the walk back to your seat. Don’t strut too much.  Don’t smile or Mr. Carter might call you back for an encore.  But keep your poise, don’t look defeated, and never, ever cry. 

My best friend Mark was next. When Mr. Carter told him to grab his ankles, Mark’s hands kept reflexively swinging back up to protect his backside.  And when it was over, he cried.  The whole class saw the tears rolling down his cheeks.  Mark flunked the humiliation test. His chin drooped as he walked back to his seat.

Mr. Carter was the biggest and coolest 6th grade teacher in my school.  My older sister thought he was the coolest dude on the planet; nearly everyone loved him.  He was the only African-American teacher in our school and one of the few men.  I remember him dropping an egg into a jar of coke in class; it was a quick science experiment.  And I remember his big smile.  

Part of me understands why Mr. Carter gave us all ‘the paddle’ that day. Eight of us boys were late coming in from recess.  We were in a big snowball fight and didn’t hear the bell.  We didn’t know recess was over until the playground was empty.  We sprinted to class while imagining our fate.

Mr. Carter’s swat made an impression on me. I’d never been late from recess before and I never was again.  I learned that the consequences for lateness were painful.  But I also learned that physical pain damages trust and that punishment can’t eliminate defiance.  I learned I could tolerate pain and feel scorn for the person causing me the pain.  I learned about the urge for revenge.  And I lost a little respect for Mr. Carter.

In my 25 years counseling adults and children, I’ve heard many reasons why parents hit their kids.  Some parents say: “It gets their attention” or “I only spank when I have to.”  Others tell me, “I believe in discipline” or they say “I spank because it works.”  And there’s my favorite of all: “I got spanked when I was a kid and I turned out just fine.”  It’s tempting, but I make a point of never arguing with adults when they tell me they turned out just fine.

The advantages of spanking or inflicting pain to control behavior are clear.  It’s quick.  Whether it’s Tabasco sauce on the tongue or an electric shock, pain captures your attention.  And most of the time, it suppresses the behavior it’s intended to suppress.  But research has repeatedly shown that corporal punishment is neither an effective or efficient behavior modifier. Maybe that’s why the famous psychologist B. F. Skinner was adamantly against punishment. Punishment, pain, or spanking is linked to more problems than solutions.

Estimates vary, but about 50% or more of parents still regularly use spanking as discipline.  Spanking is an American child-rearing tradition.  It’s quick and simple.  But the consequences are complex and longstanding.  Most of us recall when we were hit by our parents.  It’s hard to forget when you get hit by somebody way bigger than you are. Hitting kids almost always makes an impression.  Unfortunately, it’s an impression that’s neither healthy nor positive.  Parents can do better than to spank their kids. 

Years ago, Mr. Carter died.  I mourned his death.  Despite his paddle, he was a good man.  He taught me and others many important lessons about life.  But I still remember that swat and it spoils some of my memory of him.  I know it wasn’t necessary.  Mr. Carter could have sat down with the eight of us.  He could have looked us each in the eye.  He could have tried to understand our situation.  He could have let my friend Mark avoid humiliation.  He could have expressed his disappointment in us.  He could have had us stay in during the next recess.  He could have used many options that wouldn’t have increased my defiance and decreased my respect for him.  But he went for the quick solution. 

Discipline is about teaching and learning.  It requires patience and creativity.  Using pain as a discipline method was below Mr. Carter’s standards.  He was a creative and enthusiastic teacher; in the long run, he could have had an even more positive influence without hitting kids. And if he were alive to read this, I’m sure he’d never swat again.