Without a Trace of Shame: Looking Back at Trump’s Personality

IMG-5443

Donald Trump told another joke today. Problem is, his jokes frequently include death threats. I recall back in the day when he implied that his 2nd amendment supporters might want to stop Hillary from appointing Supreme Court justices. He played that off as a joke. Today the joke was about how America used to treat spies.

Like most things Donald Trump, what he says is usually half-impulse, half-informed, half-truths, half-ass, but wholly designed to trumpet his dominance.

The focus right now is on Trump’s Mafioso-like negotiation with Ukraine’s President. The press and politicians call it a “quid pro quo.” I think they’re using their fancy Latin to refer to a shake-down, which, if you read the transcript is obviously happening. To be more accurate, the Latin refers to “this for that.” But the Urban Dictionary might put it clearer with, “I want something, you want something. You give me what I want, I’ll give you what you want.” Even better, if you want to really know what’s going on, check out Urban Dictionary’s definition for “Quid pro quo-job” (which, because of my PG-13 rating, I’m unable to share here).

Some people act surprised that Donald Trump’s behaviors are so reminiscent of the Godfather. I’d say Mafioso, but Trump’s not Italian and consequently cannot qualify . . . which is probably at least partly why he’s acting so much like he’s trying to gain Mafioso status without having it. As Alfred Adler would say, that’s the way psychological compensation works.

If you’re a conscious and sentient being, there’s nothing particularly surprising here. Trump was being Trump. To review (which us academics do all the time, mostly because we’re forgetful), let’s look at the personality traits I wrote about in Slate Magazine last year around this time.

The following descriptions are summarized or paraphrased from the famous personality psychologist, Theodore Millon. Millon’s work was immense and immensely interesting. Read the following descriptions and contemplate two things:

  1. Do they fit Trump?
  2. What might the future of a Trump Presidency hold?

As I said last year, Trump has virtually all the qualities of someone with narcissistic personality disorder. But that’s not particularly interesting because most big-time politicians, media personalities, and rock stars have at least some narcissistic qualities. What’s unusual (and dangerous) is that Trump also has antisocial personality traits.

Generally, Millon summarized antisocial personalities as:

“Driven by a need to . . . achieve superiority.” They act “to counter expectation of derogation and disloyalty at the hands of others,” and do this by “actively engaging in clever, duplicitous, or illegal behaviors in which they seek to exploit others for self-gain.”

With that general description as backdrop, here are specifics.

Impulsive Imprudence. Antisocial personalities are “. . . shortsighted, incautious, and imprudent. There is minimal planning, limited consideration of alternative actions, and consequences are rarely examined.”

Blaming Others for Shirked Obligations. Antisocial personalities “frequently fail to meet or intentionally negate obligations of a marital, parental, employment, or financial nature.” This is the equivalent of a personal philosophy in direct opposition to President Harry Truman’s, “The buck stops here.”

Pathological Lying. Millon wrote, “Untroubled by guilt and loyalty, they develop a talent for pathological lying. Unconstrained by honesty and truth, they weave impressive talks of competency and reliability. Many . . . become skillful swindlers and imposters.”

Declarations of Innocence. During times of trouble, antisocial personality types employ an innocence strategy. “When . . . caught in obvious and repeated lies and dishonesties, many will affect an air of total innocence, claiming without a trace of shame that they have been unfairly accused.”

Empathy Deficits. Antisocial personalities are devoid of empathy and compassion. Millon called this “A wide-ranging deficit in social charitability, in human compassion, and in personal remorse and sensitivity.” He added that “many have a seeming disdain for human compassion.”

Counterattacks. Millon noted that antisocial personalities are hyper-alert to criticism. He “sees himself as the victim, an indignant bystander subjected to unjust persecution and hostility” feeling “free to counterattack and gain restitution and vindication.”

Moral Emptiness. Antisocial personalities have no ethical or moral compass. As Millon described, they “are contemptuous of conventional ethics and values” and “right and wrong are irrelevant abstractions.” Antisocials may feign religiosity—when it suits their purpose. But the moral litmus test will always involve whether they stand to gain from a particular behavior, policy, or government action.

Whether you think Donald Trump’s personality is captured in this short list of descriptions probably depends on your politics. I should also add that it’s perfectly possible for someone to have all these qualities and still have positive qualities as well. We’ve known—probably since the beginning of time—that people with antisocial personalities can be quite charming and charismatic. What’s crucial, and also intuitive, is that we the people recognize that despite his intermittent charm and charisma, Donald Trump is not to be trusted . . . which is likely why one of his favorite lines is “Trust me.”

My perspective is precisely the opposite. Please don’t trust me. Do the work, think about Trump’s pattern of behavior. It’s about far more than this latest incident regarding Ukraine. Take a look at the long list of behaviors that are consistent with Millon’s criteria. And then decide where you stand on a future with Donald Trump.

*********

The views expressed here are my own. They’re not representative of anyone else. They’re also not part of a quid pro quo.

For the whole long version of the Millon and Trump’s personality article, go here: https://johnsommersflanagan.com/2018/09/03/the-long-version-of-the-trump-personality-slate-magazine-article/

When Happiness Ran Away: Thoughts on Suicide and the Pursuit of Happiness

Elephant

Several days prior to driving across the state to a party with her family, a friend met up with Rita and me. We talked about happiness. She said she liked the word contentment, along with the image of hanging out in a recliner after a day of meaningful work.

Following the party, she wrote me an email, sharing, rather cryptically, that her party planning turned out just okay, because,

“Sigh. Some days happiness runs so fast!”

I loved her image of chasing happiness even more than the image of her reclining in contentment.

As it turns out, being naturally fleet, happiness prefers not being caught. Because happiness is in amazing shape, if you chase it, it will outrun you. Happiness never gets tired, but usually, before too long, it gets tired of you.

In the U.S., we’ve got an unhealthy preoccupation with happiness, as if it were an end-state we can eventually catch and convince to live with us. But happiness doesn’t believe in marriage—or even in shacking up. Happiness has commitment issues. Just as soon as you start thinking happiness might be around to stay, happiness suddenly disappears in the night.

Maybe our preoccupation with happiness is related to that revered line in the U.S. Declaration of Independence about the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Grandiose words indeed, because, at this point in the history of time, I’m not so sure any of us have an inalienable right to any of those three wondrous ideals.

But don’t let my pessimism get you down. Even though I’m not all that keen on pursuing happiness, I believe (a) once we’ve defined happiness appropriately, and (b) once we realize that instead of happiness, we should be pursuing meaningfulness, then, (c) ironically or paradoxically or dialectically, happiness will sneak back into our lives, sometimes landing on our shoulders like a delicate butterfly and other times trumpeting like a magnificent elephant.

Another reason not to feel down is because next Tuesday, October 1, I’ll be in Red Lodge, Montana as the speaker of the month for the Red Lodge Forum for Provocative Issues.

How cool is that?

My Red Lodge Forum presentation is: Suicide, Suicide Prevention, and the Pursuit of Happiness.

Just in case you’re passing through Red Lodge or happen to know someone in the general vicinity, below I’ve pasted the promotional email for the event. Please come if you can. There will be a fancy dinner, which inevitably involves a full stomach, which, even though I’m talking about suicide, might provide you with a twitch or two of happiness.

Here’s the promo:

From: Red Lodge Forum <redlodgemtforum@gmail.com>
Sent: Sunday, September 22, 2019 2:13 PM
To: ‘Red Lodge Forum’ <redlodgemtforum@gmail.com>
Subject: Tuesday October 1st Forum for Provocative Issues. Dinner reservations open

Forum for Provocative Issues

Suicide, Suicide Prevention, and the Pursuit of Happiness

Tuesday, October 1

PROGRAM

Beginning in 2005, death by suicide in the U.S. began rising, and despite vigorous national and local suicide prevention efforts, suicide rates have continued rising for 13 consecutive years. Depending on which metrics you prefer, suicide rates are up from somewhere between 33% and 61% from their levels at the turn of the century.

In Montana, we have the dubious distinction of the highest per-capita suicide rates in the U.S., at about 29.0 per 100,000 Montanans. Why? What is so peculiar about Montana?

But suicide is about much more than numbers. Join us on Tuesday, October 1 when Distinguished Professor at the University of Montana, John Sommers-Flanagan talks about what contributes to suicide, why Montana’s rate is so high, what’s wrong with suicide prevention efforts, and how we should talk with friends about suicide. Although suicide is a difficult, emotionally charged, subject, John will explore emotions that can create and sustain happiness.

FORUM CATERER CHANGE

In the next section, you will notice our caterer has changed. Martha Young, who has faithfully served our delicious meals for eight years, first at Café Regis, and more recently at the Senior Center, is unable to caterer our October meal. Prerogative Kitchen, an outstanding local restaurant,  has agreed to stand in.

DINNER RESERVATIONS NOW OPEN

Dinner at the Red Lodge Senior Center (13th St and Word Ave) will start at 5:30 pm and our program shortly after 6. If you plan to have dinner, email RedlodgeMtForum@gmail.com (no text or calls) with:

  • your reservation request,
  • your general meal choice (meat/fish, veggie, non-gluten), and
  • your cell number

If you don’t receive an email confirmation of your request promptly, please resubmit it. When I know specific dinner choices later this week, I will ask you to confirm your choice.

If you plan to attend the forum but not eat, come around six but donate $5 to help defray room rental and other expenses.

The price for this  dinner is $18. Please bring a check written prior to your arrival to Prerogative Kitchen for $18 per person. It will reduce traffic at the door, seat everyone faster, and make our cashier’s job easier.  If you want to leave an additional gratuity, simply leave cash on the table. Do not include gratuities in your check.

If you have friends who are interested in attending the forum, feel free to forward this message.

HAS YOUR EMAIL CHANGED?

If you change your email address and want to continue receiving forum notices, remember to send the change to RedlodgeMtForum@gmail.com.

INFORMATION ABOUT UPCOMING AND PAST FORUMS

For quick access to all news about upcoming and past programs, become a member of our Facebook group page, which supports FPI programs.  To access the page, simply search “Forum for Provocative Issues.”  This is an open group, but we carefully screen applicants to avoid potential problems by asking three simple questions.

USE OF FORUM EMAILS

I never share the emails of forum members. However, I have on occasion sent information about community issues and events that I think members will find valuable.

FORUM SUGGESTIONS

If you have an idea for a forum, email it to RedlodgeMtForum@gmail.com.

FUTURE FORUMS

The dates for our 2019/2020 season follow. Mark them on your calendar now to avoid conflicts.

  • November 5, The Future of Nuclear Energy, Redfoot
  • December 10, Japanese American Internment Camp Conditions in WWII, Russell
  • January 14, Fighting Fires, Saving Homes, Trapp
  • February 4, Apollo 8 and the Race for Space, Dragon
  • March 3, Subject TBD, Darby
  • April 7, Dark Money in Politics, Adams
  • May 5, Genetics and the Future of the Human Race, Gunn

 

 

Trauma, Suicide, and Motivational Interviewing: A Handout for BYEP Mentors

Sunset

Trauma may be the most common underlying factor contributing to mental disorders. Unfortunately, trauma is often overlooked, partly because it can manifest itself in so many different ways. That said, here are some common definitions. Trauma always involves a stressful trigger that activates a trauma response. Because, like everything, trauma responses are brain-based and involve the body, symptoms affect the whole person.

Old, informal, and useful definitions include:

  • A stressor outside the realm of normal human experience (but sadly, trauma is all-too-common)
  • A betrayal . . . (e.g., something that should not happen)
  • Occurrence of an event that’s emotionally overwhelming

Below I’ve listed the essence of the DSM-5 definition for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (note that the whole idea of PTSD centers on the chronic or long-lasting effects of trauma).

Exposure to a traumatic stressor that involves direct personal experience, witnessing, or learning about events involving threatened death, serious injury, or a threat to your physical integrity. The trauma response includes:

  • Intrusion symptoms (recurring unwanted memories, nightmares, flashbacks, and triggered distress)
  • Avoidance of trauma-related thoughts or external cues
  • Negative cognitive alternations (e.g., memory gaps, no joy, etc.)
  • Arousal and reactivity (e.g., irritability, risky behaviors, hypervigilance, insomnia, startle response)

Trauma and trauma responses can be big, medium, and small. Big traumas meet the DSM-5 diagnostic criteria for PTSD or acute stress disorder. Small traumas are usually disturbing and disruptive, but the body and brain adjust to them within 2-3 days. Medium size traumas have lasting effects, but don’t meet formal diagnostic criterial, and are usually referred to as subclinical.

I like to think of Trauma with an uppercase T (like in the DSM) and all other traumas that are difficult, challenging, and require adjustment as traumas with a lowercase t.

What to Say

Sometimes trauma responses or symptoms are visible and obvious. If so, it’s good to say and do some of the following:

  • Listen and show compassion
  • Reassure participants that physical/psychological responses are normal, take up energy & need soothing
  • Note that very effective treatments are available (e.g., This American Life)
  • Brainstorm on what helps
  • Remember: A pill is not a skill
  • Link and universalize (“It’s normal to have pleasant and unpleasant reactions to things we talk about”)
  • Brainstorm on more and less healthy reactions (Using substances is a quick distraction, but not a fix)
  • Share hopeful stories (what skills can be developed?)
  • Self-disclosure can help. But be careful with self-disclosure and remember that it’s not about you

Trauma is a normal and natural human response. You may experience trauma just by listening to people talk about trauma, or you may have your own direct experiences. When in the business of helping others, be sure to take good care of yourself.

Three Suicide Myths

Myth #1: Suicidal thoughts are about death and dying.

Most people assume that suicidal thoughts are about death and dying. On the surface, it seems like a no-brainer: Someone has thoughts about death, therefore, the thoughts must be about death. But the truth isn’t always how it appears from the surface. The human brain is complex. Thoughts about death may not be about death itself.

Myth #2: Suicide and suicidal thinking are signs of mental illness.

Not true. Philosophers and research scientists agree: nearly everyone on the planet thinks about suicide at one time or another—even if briefly. The philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche referred to suicidal thoughts as a coping strategy, writing, “The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night.”

Myth #3: Scientific knowledge about suicide risk factors and warning signs allows for the prediction and prevention of suicide.

Believing in this myth can make surviving family members, friends, and helping professionals experience too much guilt and responsibility. In fact, even the most famous suicidologists say that it’s impossible to consistently and accurately predict suicide.

Tips for Talking about Suicide

We need to be able to talk directly about suicide with courage and calmness. But first, we should listen. Here’s what you should listen for in general

  • Emotional pain
  • A sense of feeling trapped or ashamed
  • Not believing that anything can possibly help to reduce the pain and misery

While listening, show acceptance, empathy, and compassion. Remember: suicidal thoughts are not signs of illness or moral failing; if you judge the person, it will make it harder for the person to be open. Also remember: when people talk with you about their suicidal thoughts, that’s a good thing, because you can’t help unless they’re comfortable enough with you to speak openly about their suicidal thoughts and feelings.

Traditional warning signs in particular

Although it’s good to know these warning signs, there’s not much research supporting the idea that anything predicts suicide.

  • Active suicidal thinking that includes planning and talk about wanting to die
  • Preparation and rehearsal behaviors (stockpiling pills, giving away belongings, etc.)
  • Hopelessness related to feeling that the excruciating distress will never end
  • Recklessness, impulsivity, dramatic mood changes
  • Anger, anxiety, and agitation
  • Feeling trapped
  • No reasons for living, no purpose in life, broken relationships
  • Increased alcohol or substance abuse
  • Immense shame or self-hatred

How should I ask about suicide?

The answer to this is always, “Ask directly.” But we can do even better than that. We need to de-shame suicidal thoughts and talk. Before asking, communicate that you know suicidal thoughts are a normal and natural response to emotional pain and disturbing situations. For example, you could ask it this way, “I know that it’s not unusual for people to think about suicide. Have you had any thoughts about suicide?”

What should I say if someone admits to thinking about suicide? You can say things like,

  • Thanks for telling me.
  • It sounds like things have been terribly hard.
  • Thanks for being so honest, that takes courage.
  • I know I can’t instantly make everything better, but I want you to live and I want to help.
  • How can I best support you right now?
  • What can we do together that would help?
  • When you want to give up, tell yourself to hold off for one more day, hour, minute—whatever you can.
  • Or . . . use your good listening skills and reflect back the feelings and thoughts that the person shared.

Resources for Help

  • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255)
  • Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
  • Bozeman Help Center – 24-Hour Crisis Line: (406) 586-3333

What is Motivational Interviewing?

Motivational interviewing (MI) is an evidence-based approach to treating substance problems, health concerns, and other mental health issues. MI is “person-centered” and based on the foundational principle that clients should be the ones who make the case for change in their lives. MI:

  • Focuses on the common problem of ambivalence about change.
  • Relies on four central listening skills (OARS): open questions, affirming, reflecting, and summarizing.
  • Helps clients transition from less healthy to more healthy behaviors

Four overlapping components combine to create the spirit of MI:

  • Collaboration (partnership; dancing, not wrestling)
  • Acceptance (UPR, accurate empathy, autonomy, affirmation)
  • Compassion (honoring the client’s best interest)
  • Evocation (tapping the client’s well of wisdom)

MI is a specific treatment approach that requires professional training. However, operating on a few basic MI principles can improve nearly anyone’s approach to helping others. For more information, see the book: Miller, W. R., & Rollnick, S. (2013). Motivational interviewing: Helping people change. New York, NY: Guilford Press.

This handout is from a mentor workshop for the Big Sky Youth Empowerment Program. These ideas are based on research and collected from professionals who have experience working with people who are feeling suicidal. These guidelines should not be considered medical advice and are no substitute for getting an appointment with a licensed health or mental health professional. See: johnsommersflanagan.com for more information.

The End of Suicide Prevention Week

Chair

The September 12 edition of the New York Times included an opinion piece titled “What Lies in Suicide’s Wake” by Peggy Wehmeyer. Ms. Wehmeyer previously worked as a correspondent on ABC’s “World News Tonight.” In the opinion piece, Ms. Wehmeyer shared experiences following her husband’s death by suicide in 2008.

Wehmeyer’s account of widowhood by suicide grabs you by the throat and brings you to your knees. If you’re a suicide survivor, read it with caution, because it will bring you anger, sadness, pain, and guilt.

Wehmeyer’s story also made me want to take action. I wanted to do to her what Robin Williams did to Matt Damon in his role of the therapist in Good Will Hunting. Williams looked at a file on Damon’s history of abuse, and then stood in front of him, saying,

“All this shit. This is not your fault. Look at me son. It’s not your fault.” Then Williams repeated “It’s not your fault” until Damon collapsed crying in his arms.

Some burdens are too big. I want to take Ms. Wehmeyer in my arms and tell her she’s taking on too much. Her former husband chose suicide. That’s a tragedy. But it’s not her fault.

After a suicide, shame and guilt spread like warm butter on hot toast, seeping into crevices, muscles, joints, and neurons. Guilt stabs you in the heart and then pummels your brain with the most obvious, most painful, most important, and most impossible question, “Why?”

Why . . . is a stupid, impenetrable, devious, and unhelpful question. But suicide survivors can’t stop themselves from painfully ruminating on, Why did this happen? If I were the god of suicide recovery, I’d cancel that question from the genetic blueprint. After a suicide, the question Why is pointless and unanswerable.

I’m a psychologist and a counselor. I’ve got plenty of friends in the mental health professions. Many of my friends, being of the post-modern or existential ilk, like to exclaim, usually with intellectual delight and breathless discovery, that “Humans are meaning makers!!” Well, duh.

Of course humans are meaning makers. Basically, that’s all we do. We make up shit all the time in an effort to explain our existence and our experiences. Let’s say your romantic partner breaks up with you, if you’re like most humans, you’ll wonder “Why?” And then you’ll painfully exfoliate your soul until you corner yourself with some irrational bullshit like, “I must be unlovable” or “I’m defective” or “I’m undesirable.” Or, if you’re inclined the other direction, you’ll quickly conclude, “He was an asshole” or “She’s defective” or “I hope my ex gets hit by a train.” And there are the new-age explainers who repeatedly wax philosophical, saying, “It wasn’t meant to be” or “The universe is telling me that it’s not my time for a romantic relationship.”

Asking why shit happens (and then answering yourself) is simply not helpful; it’s not helpful because you will, being human, come up with dozens of stupid, irrational, and unhelpful explanations for terrible things that happen. In the aftermath of suicide, if you’re like Ms. Wehmeyer, and many of us are, most of your stupid, irrational, and unhelpful explanations will involve blaming yourself. You’ll think things like, “I should have loved him better” or, you’ll embrace the ultimate piece of bullshit, that, somehow, as Ms. Wehmeyer wrote, “I missed those [suicide] signs until it was too late.”

No she didn’t. Wehmeyer didn’t miss the signs. And neither did you. Predicting suicide is impossible for even the best suicide researchers on the planet. Like Robin Williams said: It’s not your fault. You’re not the god of suicide prevention. Things happen. Shit happens. People kill themselves. Suicide started eons before you were born and it will continue for eons after.

Accepting tragedy sucks. It sucks more than nearly anything else we can think of. But tragedy strikes. And most of the time, tragedies are outside our control. Does that mean you should stop trying to prevent suicide and save lives? Of course not. Do what you can when you can. Does it mean you should stop blaming yourself for actions and choices that other people make and that are beyond your control? Hell yes!

In case you missed it, National Suicide Prevention Week is just ending. All week we’ve been encouraged to watch for warning signs, to follow up on our concerns by directly asking friends, family, and colleagues how they’re doing, and if they’ve been thinking about suicide. All this is great stuff. But, along with the many educational messages we’ve heard, somebody has to point out the cold, hard truth.

Sometimes you track the warning signs, you ask all the right questions, and you love people with all your heart, and they’ll still die by suicide. If that happens, it doesn’t mean you missed the signs or that you weren’t lovable enough. If suicide happens, you need to take care of yourself; you need to talk about your sadness, pain, and regrets. But you need to add one more thing. You need to listen to Robin Williams (who also died by suicide) and forgive yourself, because . . . All this shit. This is not your fault. . . . It’s not your fault.

****************************

Resources for help

  • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255)
  • Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
  • Bozeman Help Center – 24-Hour Crisis Line: (406) 586-3333

 

Eight Tips for Coping with Writing Rejections

SheepWriting is hard. I know you already know that.

Reading is hard too, especially if you have to read bad writers, which is why I hope you haven’t already started thinking, “Reading this blog is hard. . .”

My point is that putting words on a page and hoping they pile up and turn into clear, coherent, and meaningful prose (or poetry) is so difficult that it creates self-consciousness and worry and other neurotic thoughts and emotions linked to being judged and rejected. And just in case you feel tempted, you don’t have to tell me that good writers never write, “My point is. . .” because my other point is that I’ve been getting lots of rejections lately.

I’d rather not admit anything about my writing rejection rate; I’d rather have you think that everything I write gets published. There have been thousands of pages, eight books, and 100+ professional articles—all published, but that’s NOT the point (I also know that using ALL CAPS is bad form, like shouting while writing, and that no one but Dave Barry, former humor columnist, GETS AWAY WITH ALL CAPS).

This summer, not unlike last summer and the summer before that, and other ad nauseam summers of my life, was a summer of writing rejections. I like to say, “There were a plethora of rejections” because I like the word plethora. But let’s not go into the details because one year I tried to count up all my rejections and it was like counting cloudy days and I got depressed and I vowed to never count rejections and instead to only count acceptances and publications and successes and smiles and sunshine, and I also vowed to write long sentences if I feel like writing long sentences, because as far as I can tell, that’s what Sigmund Freud did, and he got a couple things published.

Instead of numbering the rejections, let me share just one.

This summer I wrote a proposal for a trade book on Suicide in American. It was supposed to be a proposal for a trade book on Suicide in America. But the first version of the proposal managed to include an extra “n.” How that typo slipped in there after 43 readings, including my traditional oral reading before submitting—I cannot say.

Anyway, just remember this, Suicide in America is not the most fun topic, but it’s even a worse topic when you make a typo in the first line. After experiencing the horror of seeing the typo and correcting it, I sent the proposal out to a dozen or so agents and got a dozen or so rejections. Not the most fun outcome. However, not to be deterred, I stole some of my sample chapter material and used it in a continuing education course that I DID GET PUBLISHED (notice the ALL CAPS, BECAUSE, YES, I AM YELLING).

I thought about sending all the agents who rejected my book proposal a copy of my first check from the CE company, along with a photo of my finger, but that belongs on this list of tips and sage advice for all you writers who will inevitably need to cope with rejection.

  1. Even though you want to, don’t write a snarky email or letter back to the person who rejected your wonderful work. No doubt, the snarky email will feel good in the moment, but you could regret it later. I speak from experience. Being at conferences with people who have received photos of my finger is awkward. Instead, vent to your friends and colleagues, and thank the person who rejected you for considering your work.
  2. Listen—sometimes. Lots of trade book agents and publishers tell you in advance that they plan to ghost you, so sometimes there’s nothing to hear. But on occasion, there’s this thing that happens called feedback. You can take it or leave it, but if you want to develop your writing skills, take it—or at least take some of it sometimes. The corollary to this is that reviewers can be nasty. This is especially true of academic reviewers, many of whom have come to believe that it’s their responsibility to shame fledgling writers. My advice on that is simple: Ignore the reviewer’s tone because he/she/they likely have poor social skills and are compensating for their loneliness by trying to make you feel bad, or something like that. Ignore the tone, but listen to the content.
  3. Go Big or Go Home. Being that you’re an amazing person with fantastic ideas, don’t, as former President George W. Bush might say, misunderestimate yourself. Feel free to submit pieces to the New Yorker or the New England Journal of Medicine or other fancy publications that begin with the word New. Then, get ready to be ghosted, rejected, and humiliated. If—odds are low here—you get something accepted, you’ll be like Rocket Man.
  4. Find a Small Pond. Going big or going home is a broken philosophy, unless you finish the guidance with go home and find a small pond where you can submit your work, become a big fish, and find the positive reinforcement you crave. Publishing a short comment in your neighborhood newsletter is better than having nothing published. Look at me. I’ve got a blog. I publish here all the time. The best part of the deal is my publisher loves my work.
  5. Turn it Around. Rita and I have an academic friend who says we academics should live by the turn it around in 24 hours rule. He says that as soon as he receives a rejection letter/email from a professional journal, he starts his timer and submits the manuscript to a different journal in 24 hours or less. Never having achieved that, Rita and I try to live by something more like a 24 day rule. Either way, push yourself to revise and resubmit to someone, like my blog publisher, who’s likely to love your work and publish you yesterday.
  6. Mingle. If you’re sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, you need to get out more because, duh, you’re not alone. If you find them, you’ll discover that most writers are mostly sitting around feeling sorry for themselves most of the time. So mingle. Share your sorrows. Maybe form a writing group or a book club or a knitting clutch. Embrace the Hegelian dialectic that, although you’re plenty special, you’re also simultaneously not really all that special.
  7. Write More. There comes a time when you need to get right back on that bus that bucked you off. Nobody becomes a better writer without writing. Visualization is good for golf and relaxation, but not so much for writing. Reading is good for writing, but only if you’re also putting fingers to keyboards and digits on screens. Somebody said this already: Read, write, repeat.
  8. Practice CBT on Your Neurotic Writer-Self. Albert Ellis liked to say, “Don’t be a love slob.” What he meant was to not be too needy. He would ask his clients things like, “What the holy Hell are you thinking?” He drove home the idea that you can perform badly at lots of things, get rejected, fail, and still have, what he called, “Unconditional Self-Acceptance.” In other words (which is another phrase my editor hates), Ellis is saying you shouldn’t confuse your performance with your SELF. Let’s say you get rejected. You’ll likely feel sad and disappointed. That’s normal and healthy. But don’t use your Vita to measure your SELF.

I’m hoping you find this list of tips for handling rejection helpful. If it’s not, feel free to let me know. I’ll be sad and disappointed But I’ll get over it. I plan to keep writing anyway. I hope you do too.

Want to Learn More about Suicide Interventions and Treatment Planning? Here’s a link to a brand new CE course

John and Max SeattleOver the past several months I’ve been busy writing a 2-part continuing education course on a strength-based approach to suicide assessment, interventions, and treatment planning. As you may recall, Part One of this course was published last May (see: http://www.continuingedcourses.net/active/courses/course114.php ).

Today, I’m announcing that Part Two, titled, Suicide Interventions and Treatment Planning for Clinicians: A Strength-Based Model, is now available. To check it out, go to: http://www.continuingedcourses.net/active/courses/course115.php

Just in case you’d rather watch a CE video on this topic, last year I also did a cool three-part (7.5 hours total) continuing education video on suicide assessment and treatment.with Victor Yalom and Psychotherapy.net. Here’s a link to that resource: Psychotherapy.net: https://www.psychotherapy.net/video/suicidal-clients-series

Happy Labor Day!

John SF

 

The place to click if you want to learn about psychotherapy, counseling, or whatever John SF is thinking about.