Category Archives: Happiness

Group counseling, Group therapy, Happiness

Co-Leader Conflict . . . Vulnerability . . . and Giving Each Other (and Ourselves) Grace

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Group this week was chaotic, great, and disconcerting. As the leader-instructor, I felt perhaps I didn’t get the students prepared enough to run their in-class discussion and color groups. I worried that now we’ve got too much experiencing and not enough educational content.

These feelings and thoughts are familiar; maybe they’re familiar to other educators. To learn, students need experiences, but they also need knowledge, information, and educational content to put experiences in context. They also need external feedback, to go along with the internal feedback process in which they naturally engage. How hard is it to hit the sweet spot? Very hard!

While observing one group, I noticed conflict emerging between co-leaders. I didn’t intervene. During their self-evaluation process, the leaders acknowledged their tension. My response? I normalized their experience of co-leader conflict and the challenges of co-leader conflict management.

Later, while debriefing the various group experiences with the whole class, I spontaneously began speaking about group leader conflict. Words came out of my mouth in advance of a clear mental formulation of what I wanted to say.

“Group co-leader conflict will occur. Sometimes your co-leader will go a different direction. You’ll be watching and wondering, ‘What’s going on here?’ You may have a negative reaction. You may feel critical and annoyed. When this happens, we need to give each other grace.”

Another theme bubbling up this week involved vulnerability. The group leaders feel vulnerable and on-the-spot for obvious reasons; I expected that. What I’ve been less prepared for is the vulnerability students felt as group members who were prompted to share “happy” and “meaningful” songs. Here’s their group leadership assignment:

color-group-prep-for-positive-psychology-iDownload

Some students seemed sensitive to perceived coercion, and the related expectation that they were obligated to be vulnerable. I got enough takeaway emails about vulnerability that I’m sharing a few of my responses (I’m not sharing the emails from the students; I’m sharing my email responses)  

Emails on Vulnerability

I’m glad to hear the music activity felt connecting for you with your group. It’s interesting how music might seem like a “light” topic, but it certainly can get emotional and vulnerable, sometimes very quickly.

Thanks for sharing your reactions from your color group experience. I’ve heard similar reactions from others. I too, found myself surprised that some members felt the activity involved vulnerability . . . but then I remembered several things, not the least of which is the emotional power of music and the fact that talking about happiness nearly always, at some point, elicits sadness and vulnerability.

Your comments about the diverse reactions to the music assignment reminds me of a point I want to make in class tomorrow. The point being: When we talk about happiness, the emotional reaction is often the opposite! Initially, I felt surprised that some groups felt the assignment was pretty vulnerable, but then I thought, of course! Sharing anything feels vulnerable. . . and music is a powerful emotional activator.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts/reactions from your Color Group. Noticing and appreciating others’ discomfort is so important, partly because it involves empathy, but also because what causes some people discomfort may not even be a blip for others, including you. It IS a great thing to be mindful about.

Reading and responding to student emails is helping me be more thoughtful and accepting of their experiences. Although their experiences naturally activate my memories about my grad school group experiences, more importantly, reading about their experiences helps me move past my own memories and my own narrow lived experiences. My students are giving me a chance to have greater appreciation for the wide range of simple and complex factors that activate their vulnerabilities. For me, that’s one (of many) lessons from this week: My surprise regarding students’ feeling vulnerable is countertransference. As countertransference, it’s a good thing to notice. But the point is to give myself grace around my countertransference, while nurturing and growing my ability to move around my surprise and seek deeper understanding of my students’ experiences . . . just as I hope they will do with their clients.  

Happiness

Check Out This Happiness Class (and Experiential Small Group) for ALL Adults

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molli-happiness-group-flyer-2024-1Download

Spring is coming: it’s a good time to try something new.

In collaboration with the MOLLI program on campus at the University of Montana, I’m offering a unique “Happiness” class that combines an initial lecture with 5 small group experiential discussions. The course begins in about 1 month (April 2, 2024). Here’s the course description:

Evidence-Based Happiness: An Experiential Approach

In this course, participants will learn about and experience seven different research-based approaches to achieving greater happiness. Using a unique format, participants will have one week of traditional lecture, followed by five weeks of small-group experiential learning sessions. Each small group (aka happiness lab) will meet to practice, experience, and discuss specific happiness interventions. Before each lab group, participants will be provided with a short reading and a short video to guide their weekly happiness practice. Specific positive psychology interventions to be covered include (a) three good things, (b) savoring, (c) gratitude, (d) cognitive behavior therapy, (e) forgiveness, (f) acts of kindness, (g) and the best possible self. Labs will be facilitated by graduate students in counseling and supervised by John Sommers-Flanagan.

Here’s a link to me talking about the course in a 2-minute video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3gAimLZPvU

And here’s a link to a cool promo flyer made by one of our M.A. students in Counseling:

molli-happiness-group-flyer-2024Download

The course is live and offered simultaneously in virtual and in-person formats. To enroll, you need to become a MOLLI member, which costs $0. The cost of the course is $70. If you do the math, you’ll see that’s about $12 per educational hour . . . which is a fantastic deal. The other fantastic part is that research indicates your participation may contribute to you feeling greater meaning and happiness.

For remote users, there are no borders. You can take it from anywhere: To enroll in the VIRTUAL (remote) course, click here, and if you’re not a MOLLI member, start by clicking on sign-in to become a member and then register: https://www.campusce.net/umtmolli/course/course.aspx?C=844&pc=38&mc=42&sc=0

To enroll in the IN-PERSON course, click here, and if you’re not a MOLLI member, start by clicking on sign-in to become a member and then register: https://www.campusce.net/umtmolli/course/course.aspx?C=844&pc=38&mc=45&sc=0

I hope to see you on April 2.

John SF

Happiness, Personal Reflections, Writing

Practicing Forgiveness – In Theory

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Last summer, when I taught our Happiness for Teachers course along with Lillian Martz, one of the most powerful assignments involved forgiveness. Even though we emphasized that the teachers taking our class didn’t need to actually engage in a forgiveness process, they shared incredibly deep and profound stories of betrayal, forgiveness, and the struggles in between. Here’s the assignment. Again, we’re not saying you need to engage in a forgiveness process. All we’re suggesting is for you to read this and think about forgiveness. Here’s the assignment:

Whether we’re talking self-forgiveness, forgiving others, or spiritual forgiveness, forgiveness is a big deal and a big ask.

For this learning activity, we don’t expect you to purge yourself of all personal guilt or become free from all resentments. Nevertheless, for this assignment, your job is to explore what forgiving yourself, forgiving others, and being forgiven might look like AND how forgiving yourself, forgiving others, and being forgiven might feel to you.

To do this activity, you’re not expected to actually do the forgiveness work; instead, you get to think about doing the forgiveness work and speculate on its effects. . . FOR YOU. Although forgiveness is probably the biggest issue we’ve tackled in this Happiness Challenge, the plan is for you to just take a small sip from the very large cup of potential forgiveness issues that we all have. If you want to go deeper and take a bigger drink, that’s perfectly fine, but that’s all up to you.

To get yourself oriented toward forgiveness you could (if you want) consider and access some of the following ideas and online resources:

Consider that forgiving others can improve your physical health. As Anne Lamott wrote in Traveling Mercies: “Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.” Is there anyone other there toward whom you might offer forgiveness? You don’t even have to talk with them (although you can, if that works for you). You can just bring yourself to a place where you’ve let go of any lingering anger or resentment that you’re holding.

Listen to the Hidden Brain episode: The Power of Mercy. https://hiddenbrain.org/podcast/the-power-of-mercy/

Listen to or read a short NPR piece on forgiveness: https://www.wvtf.org/2014-12-03/reach-forgiveness#stream/0  

Listen to Greater Good magazine’s podcast Episode 124: Nine Steps to Forgiveness https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/podcasts/item/anoosha_syed_forgiveness_self-compassion_virtues  

Watch Oprah’s “Aha” moment on forgiveness. https://www.findcenter.com/video/24318/oprahs-forgiveness-aha-moment/everything-else

Forgiveness is a multidimensional and dynamic process. It’s also very hard. We wish you well as you consider this big issue.

Cool Counseling, Happiness, Writing

More Therapeutic Writing: The Best Possible Self

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Last week was about emotional journaling. This week, we stick with the power of words and writing and take a dive into an evidence-based therapeutic writing activity called the Best Possible Self.

You all already know about optimism and pessimism.

Some people see the glass half full. Others see the glass half empty. Still others, just drink and savor the water, without getting hung up on how much is in the glass. Obviously, there are many other responses, because some people spill the water, others find a permanent water source, and others skip the water and drink the wine or pop open a beer.

Reducing people to two personality types never works, but that doesn’t stop people from labeling themselves or others as optimists or pessimists. This week’s activity—The Best Possible Self—is an optimism activity. You don’t have to be a so-called optimist to use it. And the good news is, regardless of your labels, the Best Possible Self writing activity is supposed to crank up your sense of optimism. That’s cool, because generally speaking, optimism is a good thing. Here’s what the researchers say about the Best Possible Self (BPS) activity.

[The following is summarized from Layous, Nelson, and Lyubomirsky, 2012]. Writing about your Best Possible Self (also seen as a representation of your goals) shows long-term health benefits, increases life satisfaction, increases positive affect, increases optimism, and improves overall sense of well-being. Laura King, a professor at U of Missouri-Columbia developed the BPS activity.

King’s original BPS study involved college students writing about their Best Possible Selves for 15 minutes a day for two weeks. The process has been validated with populations other than college students. If you want to jump in that deep, go for it. On the other hand, if you want a lighter version, here’s a less committed alternative:

  • Spend 10 minutes a day for four consecutive days writing a narrative description of your “best possible future self.”
  • Pick a point in the future – write about what you’ll be doing/thinking then – and these things need to capture a vision of you being “your best” successful self or of having accomplished your life goals.
  • As with all these activities, monitor your reactions. Maybe you’ll love it and want to keep doing it. Maybe you won’t.
  • If you feel like it, you can share some of your #writing on social media.

Berkeley’s Greater Good website includes a nice summary of the BPS activity. Here’s a pdf from their website: 

best_possible_self-from-berkeleys-greater-goodDownload

Being a counseling and psychotherapy theories buff, I should mention that this fantastic assignment is very similar to the Adlerian “Future Autobiography.” Adler was way ahead of everyone on everything, so I’m not surprised that he was thinking of this first. Undoubtedly, Adler saw the glass half full, sipped and savored his share, and then shared it with his community. We should all be more like Adler.

Cool Counseling, Happiness, Personal Reflections

Writing Your Way to Better Health

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Nothing works for everyone. Not everyone is comfortable writing about their experiences and not everyone can benefit from therapeutic writing. But, for those keen on the expressive writing modality, you can get out your pen or laptop and make a little therapeutic magic.

For this week’s Montana Happiness Challenge, I phrased it this way: What if, by engaging in a simple procedure for three consecutive days, you could obtain the following benefits?

  • A reduced need to go see a physician
  • Improved immune functioning
  • Fewer physical ailments or symptoms
  • Less distress
  • Less negative affect
  • Less depression
  • Improved GPA
  • Less absenteeism from work

As it turns out, according to social psychologist and prominent researcher, James Pennebaker, there is a simple procedure for accomplishing all of the above, right at your fingertips. Literally. At. Your. Fingertips. All you have to do is write about hard, difficult, or traumatic experiences. Here’s an example (summarized) of his instructions:

For the next three days write about your very deepest thoughts and feelings about an extremely important emotional issue that has affected you and your life. When writing, really let go and explore your deepest emotions and thoughts. You might want to tie your writing into your relationships with others or to your past/present/future, or to who you’ve been, who you are, and who you’d like to be in the future. You can write about the same topic every day or a new one every day. Keep your writing confidential. Don’t worry about spelling, grammar, etc., just write for 15-30 minutes straight. (adapted from Pennebaker, 1997) 

I’ve been gobsmacked (aka astounded) by Pennebaker’s research for three decades. So much so that I remember where I was when I first read his 1986 article. Despite my gob-smacked-ness, I think it’s important to remember that Pennebaker is a social psychologist; he isn’t a clinical or counseling psychologist, a clinical mental health counselor, or a clinical social worker. As a consequence, I’m not asking you to leap right into his assignment without support. In fact, most researchers, including Pennebaker, believe you can gain the same benefits by talking about painful emotional experiences with a counselor or psychotherapist. One additional caveat: Pennebaker has also found that when writing or talking about traumatic experiences, often people feel distressed or emotionally worse to start, but over time they begin feeling better than they did in the beginning.

To do this activity, just think about Pennebaker’s method and his claims, and notice: (a) what you think of his idea, (b) whether you would ever like to try his technique, and (c) if you chose to try to process some deeper emotional issues, whether you would prefer writing or talking about them.

If you decide to really try Pennebaker’s method (that’s up to you), remember that your first reaction might be to feel worse. Therefore, having someone you trust to confide in about how you’re feeling through the process might be a good idea.

For me–and I know I’m weird–I like to go back and read some of the early research on these “therapeutic techniques.” Sometimes there’s no research to be found (think: somatic approaches or polyvagal theory); other times, the gaps between what was studied and what the media and popular psychology reports is huge (think: adverse childhood experiences and the research on predicting divorce); but on occasion, the original research is stunningly good. Here’s one of Pennebaker’s early studies. It’s really worth a read:

pennebaker-1988Download

If you want to dive into Pennebaker’s method, you could use one of his books as a guide. Here’s one example: https://www.abebooks.com/Opening-Writing-Down-Expressive-Improves-Health/22531442075/bd?cm_mmc=ggl-_-US_Shopp_Trade-_-new-_-naa&gclid=CjwKCAjw4pT1BRBUEiwAm5QuR4ZmBWoiw2FhWHexwZiPtAnyDc9frTptZr9dimZhEWcsE4HUl70gzxoCd60QAvD_BwE

John S-F

Happiness

Low Cost Courses for Montana Educators — Beginning January 18

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Hello Everyone,

This post is for Montana Educators. Please forward this message to any Montana Educators you know. Due to support from the Arthur M. Blank Family Foundation, we have an opportunity to support Montana Educators with VERY LOW COST graduate credit courses on “Evidence-Based Happiness” through the University of Montana. We’re doing this because we deeply appreciate the work of Montana teachers and we believe this course and the added credits to their payscale is one way for us to support them.

Thanks for your help. Please share. Montana Educators are awesome.

Dear Montana Educators,

In collaboration with the Arthur M. Blank Family Foundation, the Montana Safe Schools Center, UMOnline, and the Montana Happiness Project, the Phyllis J. Washington College of Education at the University of Montana is pleased to offer very low-cost Graduate Credit courses on “Evidence-Based Happiness” exclusively designed for Montana Educators.

We have 3-credit ($195) and 1-credit ($70) options available, beginning January 18.

You can register at this link: https://www.campusce.net/umextended/course/course.aspx?C=712&pc=13&mc=&sc=

If you have questions, contact UMOnline via the preceding link, or John Sommers-Flanagan at john.sf@mso.umt.edu 

I’ve also attached a flyer describing the project and courses here:

happiness-for-educators-flyerDownload

Although seats are limited, please forward this information to other potentially interested Montana teachers. We will open as many sections as we can handle.

Thanks for all you do for Montana youth!

Sincerely,

John S-F

Happiness, Love, Parenting, Personal Reflections, Writing

What Do You Think of Me?

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When I was teaching social skills to elementary school-aged youth, one boy couldn’t stop talking about himself. Because I wanted the students to be interactive with and interested in each other, I intervened.

“Ask a question about her.”

He nodded, in apparent understanding. Returning to the activity, he followed my instructions (sort of), immediately asking,

“What do you think of me?”

The question, “What do you think of me?” is powerful. We all wonder this, at least occasionally, and perhaps constantly. As I just wrote in a previous blog post, being seen and known by others is a profound experience. Having your strengths and positive qualities reflected back to you by others is a gift: https://johnsommersflanagan.com/2023/12/25/the-gift-of-being-seen/

This week, the Montana Happiness Project happiness challenge activity is called the Natural Talent Interview. You can read the details here: https://montanahappinessproject.com/natural-talent-interviews

The Natural Talent Interview requires vulnerability; it’s a challenging and potentially awkward assignment. I recommend it anyway. 😲

Here’s a link to the version of the Natural Talent Interview that we assign in the Happiness Course. Note: It includes a nice description of self-awareness and the Johari Window.

natural-talent-interviewsDownload

#MHPHappinessChallenge

Happiness, Writing

The Gift of Being Seen

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Rylee said there was an internet thing going around about how men should be more like women and start complimenting each other. Then we watched “Rye Lane” (two thumbs up). In the movie, the protagonist male tried out that compliment-another-guy thing; the guy he complimented told him to “Fuck off” and a few other things I won’t repeat.

Maybe compliments don’t translate all that well across genders. But maybe they do.

Years ago, I was doing psychotherapy with a Native American father and his teenage son. To try to help with their strained relationship, I coached the dad on being more authentically positive with his son. During the next session, I had them do a version of the “What’s good about you?” therapy activity.

I asked the son to sit across from his dad and ask, “What’s good about me?” ten times in a row. The only rules were that dad was supposed to give 10 different answers and respond honestly. The boy muttered along with an eye-roll. I felt nervous.

He looked at his dad and asked, “What’s good about me?”

The dad said, “You have a big heart.”

What’s good about me?

“You treat your mom with respect.”

What’s good about me?

“You love your sister.”

What’s good about me?

“You’re my son and I’m proud of you.”

The tears came slowly at first.

What’s good about me?

“You are intelligent”

It was over. They embraced, with the boy sobbing in his father’s arms.

The points: Parents can get so overfocused on providing constructive criticism to their children that their children don’t KNOW the inner strengths their parents see within them. In the preceding example, the teen boy was shocked—in a very positive way—to hear the strengths, skills, and talents that his father saw in him.

This can happen in all relationships. Nearly everyone wants to be seen and known. It’s probably easier to imagine—especially without clear and reassuring evidence—that others see our negative qualities. Our strengths can feel invisible, even to ourselves. It’s often hard to imagine that others notice anything good about us.

Some say that true self-esteem is all about self-evaluation, and not reliant on what others think of us. That’s partly true. But, it’s ridiculous to think that any of us can feel good about ourselves without at least getting occasional feedback about our strengths and positive qualities.

One new thing you can try this holiday season is to give the people you love the gift of seeing their strengths. It can be as simple as noticing and saying something that you think your friend or family member does well, like, “You’re really good at picking out just the right gifts.” Or, “You’re always so much fun to have around.” Or, “You make the best pumpkin pie.”

You can take this deeper if you want by noticing character traits and patterns. “You’re the most honest person I know, and I really value that.” “I love how you pay attention to your grandma. You are such a good person.”

Recognizing and naming the strengths and positive qualities of others is an amazing gift. You’re not just “seeing” people, you’re seeing, acknowledging, and articulating their best qualities. And by naming their best qualities, you’re not just giving them a compliment; you’re nurturing those qualities, and helping them grow.

I’ve taught a different version of this activity for years, and called it the “Natural Talent Interview.” For more on the Natural Talent Interview, which is this week’s Montana Happiness Challenge activity, go to the Montana Happiness Project’s webpage: https://montanahappinessproject.com/natural-talent-interviews

Happiness, Writing

Griz Win! Time to Relax

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Thanks to BEN ALLAN SMITH of the Missoulian for this fantastic photo!

Now that the University of Montana Grizzly football team won today, and will be going to the FCS Championship game, we can all relax. Of course, I’m joking, but I know some fans (not necessarily me) have lots of trouble relaxing while their favorite team is playing, and many of them (not necessarily me) will be out celebrating, and not at home relaxing. Of course, all that cheering and jeering and beering may not be optimal for our health, but I want to emphasize that just because this week’s happiness challenge activity is “Your favorite relaxation method,” I’m not suggesting that anyone should relax (other than the kickers) when you’re in (or cheering) a double overtime semi-final game.

That said, I hope, at some point during this weekend, everyone takes time to explore and experiment with their favorite relaxation method. As I’ve already noted on social media, relaxation is a viable and evidence-based intervention for several different problems and mental disorders. Indeed, learning relaxation skills—so you can use them when you want to use them—is a very good deal.

In 1975, Herbert Benson of Harvard University published a book titled, The Relaxation Response. Benson wrote that for humans to achieve the relaxation response, they need four components:

  1. A quiet place.
  2. A comfortable position.
  3. A mental device.
  4. A passive attitude.

Benson’s research was pretty phenomenal. When people were able to create a state of relaxation within themselves, they experienced physiological and psychological benefits similar to (but not quite as good as) the benefits of sleep. For this reason, I sometimes refer to the relaxation response as “almost sleep” and recommend it as an in-bed goal for those of us who suffer from insomnia.

The relaxation response involves slowing your respiration and heart rate, with a concomitant reduction of blood pressure. People can achieve the relaxation response via different pathways. . .  including, but not limited to methods like deep breathing, visualization, meditation, and self-hypnosis.

For this assignment, your job is to identify and practice your favorite pathway for reducing your heart rated and breathing (aka your relaxation method). The good news is that you don’t really need a quiet place and a comfortable position (although they help, they’re not essential). But you do need a mental device and a passive attitude.

Unfortunately, as it turns out, for some people, the act of trying to relax creates anxiety. This is a puzzling paradox. Why would trying to relax trigger anxiety?

The intent to relax can trigger anxiety in several different ways. For some, if you try to relax, you can also trigger worries about not being able to relax. This is a relatively natural byproduct of self-consciousness. If this is the case for you, take it slowly. Self-awareness can trigger self-consciousness and self-consciousness can trigger anxiety . . . but time and practice can overcome these obstacles.

For others, a history of trauma or physical discomfort can be activated. This is similar to self-consciousness because the turning of your attention to your body inevitably makes you more aware of your body and this awareness can draw you into old, emotionally or physically painful memories. If this is the case for you, again, take it slowly. Also, manage your expectations, and get support as needed. Support could come in the form of specific comforting and soothing cues (even physical cues), an outside support person, or a professional counselor or psychotherapist.

Trauma and anxiety are common human challenges. Although trauma and anxiety can be terribly emotionally disturbing and disruptive, the core treatment for these problems usually involves one or more forms of exposure and can be traced back to Mary Cover Jones. You can read more about Mary Cover Jones and her amazing work on my blog: https://johnsommersflanagan.com/2018/06/04/the-secret-self-regulation-cure-seriously-this-time/

Okay, that’s enough of my jibber-jabbering. Here’s the activity:

  1. Try integrating your favorite relaxation method (no drugs please) into your daily life. You can do it for a minute here and there, or 20 minutes all at once.
  2. Experiment! Try different methods for helping your body achieve a relaxed state.
  3. If you feel inspired, share about your relaxation experiences here, or on social media, or with your friends and family,

I hope you all become fantastic at relaxing . . . at least until the Grizzlies face South Dakota State for the national championship on January 7.

Happiness, Suicide Assessment and Intervention

Traditional and Strengths-Based Suicide Assessment: The Workshop Handout

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Tomorrow evening I’ll be doing an online, 3-hour workshop titled, “Blending Traditional and Strengths-Based Approaches to Suicide Assessment.”

You can still sign up (until noon Mountain time tomorrow) here: https://secure.qgiv.com/for/socialworktrainingseries/event/suicideassesment/

And, if you’re taking the workshop, or you’re just curious and want to see the ppts, click here:

traditional-and-sb-assessment-for-um-2023Download