Recently, I had the honor of presenting to Camp Mak-A-Dream residents (13-20 year-olds) on “Happiness and You.” To empower the residents—all of whom have experienced brain tumors—and resonate with the challenges of being human and having emotions, I shared the Three Step Emotional Change Technique. Then, I invited a volunteer to help me demonstrate how sometimes our brains can trick us by immediately providing the wrong answer to a question. A marvelous young man named Brandon stepped up and volunteered.

Here’s the video link, as recorded by Alli Bristow, last year’s Montana School Counselor of the Year (you can hear her reactions, which are pretty fun too):

You can watch the video, but I’m also sharing a description and rationale for the activities below.

The Riddle Activity

You’ll see me asking Brandon to respond to three riddles. I manage to trick him with the first one. For the second one, he’s briefly fooled, and then catches himself and gives the right answer. On the third, he pauses and gets the right answer the first time.

Why This Activity

I’ve used riddles like these in individual counseling with youth and in group presentations (as illustrated in the video). The riddle activity is all about a basic cognitive therapy message: If we go with our automatic thoughts, without pausing and evaluating them, we can be wrong. However, if we pause to evaluate the situational context and our reactive thoughts, sometimes we can override our automatic and possibly maladaptive impulses (Aaron and Judy Beck would be proud).

The Next Lesson

In the video, you only see Brandon and me doing the riddles. He’s great. When I’m doing this presentation (or using it in counseling) after the riddles, I immediately give the youth a situational example. I say something like, “Okay. Now let’s say I go to the same high school as Brandon, and I know him, and I’m walking by him in the hall at school. When I see him, I say ‘Hi Brandon!” But he just keeps on walking. What are my first thoughts?”

Whether I’m working with a group or with individuals, the young people are usually very good at suggesting possible immediate thoughts. They say things like: “You’re probably thinking he doesn’t like you.” Or, “Maybe you think he’s mad at you.”

At some point, I ask, “Have you ever said hello to someone and have them say nothing back?” There are always head nods and affirming responses.

Way back in our “Tough Kids, Cool Counseling” book, Rita and I wrote about the typical internalizing and externalizing responses that people tend to have in reaction to a possible social rejection. The internalizing response is depressed, anxious, and self-blaming. Internalizing thoughts usually take people down the track of “What did I do wrong” or “What’s wrong with me?” Alternatively, some youth have externalizing thoughts. Externalizing thoughts push the explanation outward, onto the other person. If you’re thinking externalizing thoughts, you’re thinking, “What’s wrong with him?” or “That jerk!” or “Next time, I’m not saying hi to him.” Back in the day, Kenneth Dodge wrote about externalizing thoughts in adolescents as contributing to aggression; he labeled this cognitive error “the misattribution of hostility.”

In counseling and in group presentations, the next step is to ask for neutral and non-blaming explanations for why Brandon didn’t say hello. The youth at Camp Mak-A-Dream were quick and efficient: “He probably didn’t hear you.” “Maybe he was having a bad day.” “He could have had his earbuds in.” “Maybe he was feeling shy?”  

What’s the Point?

One goal of these activities is to help young people become more reflective and thoughtful. My neuroscience enthralled friends might say I’m working their frontal lobe muscles. I basically agree that whenever we can engage teens with thoughtful and reflective processes, they may benefit.  

But the other goal may be even more important. Although I want to teach young people to be thoughtful, I also want to do that in the context of an engaging, sometimes fun, and interesting relationship. For me. . . it’s not just teaching and it’s not just learning. It’s teaching and learning in the crucible of a therapeutic relationship. As one of my former teen clients once said, “That’s golden.”