A Guide to Limit-Setting with Your Kids: Montana Parenting Homework Part 3:

A Practical Guide to Setting Limits

This guide is adapted from: How to Listen so Parents will Talk and Talk so Parents will Listen (Wiley, 2011)

Unfortunately, children are not born knowing how to deal with frustration, anger, and disappointment. This means it’s our job to teach them how to deal with these difficult and sometimes unpleasant emotions.

One way to teach your child about how to handle frustration and other difficult emotions is through limit-setting. If you let your child do whatever she wants anytime she wants to, she’ll have trouble learning how to cope with frustration. This can happen if you always give your children whatever they want.

Many parents mistakenly think that when they set limits, they need to be mean or especially tough. Don’t make that mistake. Good limit-setters are firm, but kind and compassionate. Try to be the kind of boss you’d like to have yourself.

An effective limit-setting strategy includes the following:

1. Set a clear limit or clear expectation.

2. If your child appears upset or resistant, show empathy for your child’s frustration, disappointment, or anger.

3. Repeat the limit in clear language (you could also have your child repeat the limit or plan back to you).

4. Give your child a reasonable choice or timeline (this is especially important with strong-willed children; see the following for examples).

5. Show more empathy by joining in with your child’s unhappiness (this might include telling a story, if there’s time).

6. Enforce the limit on time and with a logical consequence.

7. Stay positive and encouraging.

A Limit-Setting Example

1. Set a clear limit: “Dinner will be ready in five minutes, so it’s time to turn off your computer game.”

2. Show empathy by using feeling words: “I know it’s hard to stop doing something fun and you’re feeling very upset.”

3. Repeat the limit: “But you know it’s time to stop playing computer games.”

4. Give a choice and a timeline: “Either you can stop playing in the next two minutes, or I’ll unplug the computer.”

5. Show more empathy by joining in with your child’s unhappiness: “I hate it when I have to stop doing something I love.”

6. Enforce the limit on time and with a logical consequence. (Say what you’ll do and then do what you said: If you said it will be two minutes, wait two minutes and enforce the limit; don’t wait three minutes or one minute).

7. Stay positive and encouraging: “Even though I had to turn off your computer in the middle of your game tonight, I’m sure you’ll be able to plan for this and turn it off yourself tomorrow.”

Remember, although it’s your job to teach your child how to become more responsible and how to cope with the frustrations of life, you won’t be able to do this perfectly; no one does this perfectly. Just keep the principles in this homework assignment in mind and practice them when you can.

[The book can be found at: http://www.amazon.com/How-Listen-Parents-Will-Talk/dp/1118012968/ref=sr_1_9?ie=UTF8&qid=1341756323&sr=8-9&keywords=How+to+Listen+so+parents+will%5DImage

 

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Montana Parenting Homework, Part II: Backward Behavior Modification

Parent Homework Assignment 9-1

Backward Behavior Modification

One amazing thing about parenting is how easy and natural it is to do things backward. For example, imagine your 7th-grader comes home with a report card that has five A’s, one B, and one C. If you’re like most parents, you’ll take a quick look and say something like, “Why’d you get that C?” or, “How can you raise that B to an A?”

Even though these questions make excellent sense, they’re in direct violation of a very basic principle of human behavior. That principle is: Whatever you pay the most attention to will tend to grow and whatever you ignore will tend to shrink. Despite this powerful principle, our human and parental tendency is almost always to pay close attention to the F’s and C’s in life, while only offering a passing glance at the A’s.

Another version of the same problem happens with parents who have two or more children. Your children may coexist very nicely together 60 percent of the day and fight like cats and dogs for the other 40 percent. Unfortunately, in that situation the natural tendency is to give almost all your attention to your children when they fight and very little attention to them when they’re playing nicely.

The consequence of violating this basic principle is:

  • Your 7th-grader feels his efforts are underappreciated and becomes less motivated.
  • Your children, sensing that they can get more of your attention by fighting than from playing together nicely, may begin fighting even more.

Our first point with this homework assignment is to reassure you that it’s perfectly natural to pay more attention to “bad” behavior than “good” behavior. But, it’s equally true that even though paying too much attention to bad behavior is natural—it’s not helpful because it can become a reward for bad behavior.

Our second point is that you should work very hard to:

Pay more attention to your children when you like what they’re doing than you do when you don’t like what they’re doing.

Or, better yet, try this:

When giving out consequences, be boring, but when giving out rewards, be passionate.

I had this lesson driven home to me many years ago. While doing therapy with teenagers who were in trouble for delinquent behavior, they started telling me how much satisfaction they got from making their parents angry. When I asked about this, they said things like, “I love it when my dad’s veins start sticking out of his neck” or “It’s cool when I can get my mom so mad that she spits when she talks.”

Keep these images in mind the next time your child does something that gets under your skin. Then, instead of a long lecture complete with bulging veins and spitting, be short and boring. Use a monotone to say something like: “I don’t like it when you do that.”

Then, when your child comes home on time, or gets an A, or plays nice with her brother, or makes an intelligent comment about virtually anything—that’s when you should launch into a passionate and positive lecture—complete with bulging veins and spittle.*

*These rules may not hold perfectly for your unique child. For example, some teens may not like much positive attention. That’s why you’re the best judge of whether a particular parenting strategy will work with your child. We’re also kidding about the spittle; that’s hardly ever a good thing to see.

To look at the book this blog is based on, go to: http://www.amazon.com/How-Listen-Parents-Will-Talk/dp/1118012968/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1341534736&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+listen+so+parents+will+talk

 

American Parenting—In Honor of Independence Day

It’s too dry this year to set off fireworks in Montana and so instead I’ll be blogging about parenting in honor of Independence Day.

The surge in interest and media coverage of Tiger parenting and French parenting this past year has been a great thing. It’s not that I think American parents should go out and adopt either of these styles (although I like Asia and France), but the more we talk and learn about parenting, the better. To keep parenting in the focus for both my blog readers (Hi Rylee:), every day this week I’ll be posting a blog on American parenting. Actually, this is more about Montana parenting.

 Montanans embrace values of independence, generosity, honesty, and hard work. In the spirit of these values—especially the hard work value—every day this week I’m featuring a different “Homework Assignment for Parents.” These assignments are adapted from the book How to Listen so Parents will Talk and Talk so Parents will Listen.

If you like these homework assignments, feel free to use them. If you like them a lot, go to the Amazon page and “Like” the book (thanks for doing that). And, of course, if you love what you’re reading you can buy the book at Amazon too. http://www.amazon.com/How-Listen-Parents-Will-Talk/dp/1118012968/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1341322827&sr=1-6&keywords=how+to+listen+so+parents+will+talk+and+talk+so+parents+will+listen

Here’s Parent Homework Assignment installment #1.

Creating Special Family Times

Special time for families can be formal (as described in the Special Time Tip Sheet) or less formal.

This homework assignment is for parents who want to work on creating spontaneous special time for family connection.

Idea 1: Be a keen observer of what your child loves. This can be as simple as noticing when and why your child smiles. If you watch for these happy or joyful moments, you’ll undoubtedly be able to generate ideas for how to help create more happiness and joy.

Idea 2: Ask yourself a few questions to get in touch with how you might create more special times. These questions might include:

1. ‘‘What do you and your child naturally do for fun together?’’

2. ‘‘When do you and your child find yourselves enjoying each other?’’

3. ‘‘What would be a fun or interesting activity that you and your child could do together?’’

4. ‘‘What does your child like to do on his or her own or with his or her friends?’’ ‘‘Is it possible for you to be involved in any of these . . . even as a supportive person to create the situation?’’

5. ‘‘Do you play any family games together with your child?’’

6. ‘‘What did you do for fun when you were younger?’’ ‘‘Is there any way to smoothly (without big expectations) introduce your child to something you love to do? (for example, playing cards, fly-fishing, second-hand shopping, arts and crafts, etc.)

Idea 3: Every once in a while drop everything and focus on your child. Although it’s not healthy for you to ‘‘be there’’ for your child and cater to his or her every desire, it is important to occasionally stop whatever you’re doing to give your child your undivided attention. This might involve turning off the television, closing your laptop, putting down the newspaper, or powering down your telephone. The point is that you want to give your child the clear message that she or he is your number one priority. This message will help you put a deposit in your child’s emotional bank account.

Idea 4: Speak up about your positive feelings. In the harried pace of American life, it’s easy to forget to add in the little positive expressions to the people you love. To counter this forgetful tendency, you should make a commitment to say ‘‘I love you’’ to your child every day. Perhaps even more important are spontaneous statements about how you ‘‘like’’ your child. Try that out. When you see something you like about your child’s personality or behavior, just say, ‘‘I like who you are’’ or ‘‘I like it when you do that.’’ Saying you like your child can convey even more important meaning to them than saying ‘‘I love you.’’ In addition, be clear about wanting to spend time with your child by saying things like, ‘‘I want to spend some time with you,’’ and then schedule it if you need to.

These are four simple ideas for creating special time in your family. Take a minute to think about these ideas and then improve on them by creating new and better ideas that fit your family and help you intentionally have more fun and more special times together.

http://www.amazon.com/How-Listen-Parents-Will-Talk/dp/1118012968/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1341322827&sr=1-6&keywords=how+to+listen+so+parents+will+talk+and+talk+so+parents+will+listen

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Is Solution-Focused Therapy as Powerfully Effective as Solution-Focused Therapists Would Have Us Believe?

[This Blog is adapted from a previous blog posted on psychotherapy.net]

Solution-focused therapy is very popular. But is it effective?

Beginning in the 1980s, solution-focused therapy hit the mainstream and many mental health providers (and third-party payers) continue to sing the praises of its brevity and effectiveness. For example, in a 2009 book chapter Sara Smock claimed, “. . . there are numerous studies, several reviews of the research, and a few meta-analyses completed that showcase [solution-focused therapy’s] effectiveness.”

Really?

Solution-focused counseling and psychotherapy has deep roots in post-modern constructive theory. As Michael Hoyt once famously articulated, this perspective is based on “the construction that we are constructive.” In other words, solution-focused therapists believe clients and therapists build their own realities.

Ever since 2003, my personal construction of reality has been laced with skepticism. That was the year President George W. Bush included 63 references to “weapons of mass destruction” in his State of the Union address (I’m estimating here, using my own particular spin, but that’s the nature of a constructive perspective). As it turned out, there were no weapons of mass destruction, but President Bush’s “If I say it enough, it will become reality” message had a powerful effect on public perception.

From the constructive or solution-focused perspective, perception IS reality. Remember that. It applies to the solution-focused therapist’s view of solution-focused therapy effectiveness.

I recall hearing many presenters tell me that solution-focused therapy is powerful and effective. Or maybe it was powerfully effective. And I recall reading books and articles that similarly referred to the power and effectiveness of solution-focused therapy. Now we could just take their word for it, but I still can’t help but wonder: “What does the scientific research say about the efficacy of solution-focused therapy anyway?”

Here’s a quick historical tour of scientific reality.

  • In 1996, Scott Miller and colleagues noted: “In spite of having been around for ten years, no well-controlled, scientifically sound outcome studies on solution-focused therapy have ever been conducted or published in any peer-reviewed professional journal.”
  • In 2000, Gingerich & Eisengart identified 15 studies and after analyzing the research, they stated: “. . . we cannot conclude that [solution-focused brief therapy] has been shown to be efficacious.”
  • In 2008, Johnny Kim reported on 22 solution-focused outcomes studies. He noted that the only studies to show statistical significance were 12 studies focusing on internalizing disorders. Kim reported an effect size of d = .26 for these 12 studies [this is a rather small effect size].
  • In 2009, Jacqueline Corcoran and Vijayan Pillai concluded: “. . . practitioners should understand there is not a strong evidence basis for solution-focused therapy at this point in time.”

Now don’t get me wrong. As a mental health professional and professor, I believe solution-focused techniques and approaches can be very helpful . . . sometimes. However, my scientific training stops me from claiming that solution-focused approaches are highly effective. Although solution-focused techniques can be useful, psychotherapy often requires long term work that focuses not only on strengths, but problems as well.

So what’s the bottom line?

While in a heated argument with an umpire, Yogi Berra once said: “I wouldn’t have seen it if I hadn’t believed it!” This is, of course, an apt description of the powerful confirmation bias that affects everyone. We can’t help but look for evidence to support our pre-existing beliefs . . . which is one of the reasons why even modernist scientific research can’t always be trusted.  But this is why we bother doing the research. We need to step back from our constructed and enthusiastic realities and try to see things as objectively as possible, recognizing that absolute objectivity is impossible.

Despite strong beliefs to the contrary, there were no weapons of mass destruction. And currently, the evidence indicates that solution-focused therapy is NOT powerfully effective.

 

The Classroom Swat (or Why I Don’t Believe in Spanking)

Mr. Carter was 6’2” and so I had to look up 14 inches to make glancing eye contact one last time before he said, “Grab your ankles.” Then I bent over. Then there was a loud pop. And then . . . the searing burn. 

It was my first and last classroom swat. I stood up quickly. I stuck out my chest and held my head high. I knew from watching the swat routine previously that it was all about the walk back to your seat. Don’t strut too much.  Don’t smile or Mr. Carter might call you back for an encore.  But keep your poise, don’t look defeated, and never, ever cry. 

My best friend Mark was next. When Mr. Carter told him to grab his ankles, Mark’s hands kept reflexively swinging back up to protect his backside.  And when it was over, he cried.  The whole class saw the tears rolling down his cheeks.  Mark flunked the humiliation test. His chin drooped as he walked back to his seat.

Mr. Carter was the biggest and coolest 6th grade teacher in my school.  My older sister thought he was the coolest dude on the planet; nearly everyone loved him.  He was the only African-American teacher in our school and one of the few men.  I remember him dropping an egg into a jar of coke in class; it was a quick science experiment.  And I remember his big smile.  

Part of me understands why Mr. Carter gave us all ‘the paddle’ that day. Eight of us boys were late coming in from recess.  We were in a big snowball fight and didn’t hear the bell.  We didn’t know recess was over until the playground was empty.  We sprinted to class while imagining our fate.

Mr. Carter’s swat made an impression on me. I’d never been late from recess before and I never was again.  I learned that the consequences for lateness were painful.  But I also learned that physical pain damages trust and that punishment can’t eliminate defiance.  I learned I could tolerate pain and feel scorn for the person causing me the pain.  I learned about the urge for revenge.  And I lost a little respect for Mr. Carter.

In my 25 years counseling adults and children, I’ve heard many reasons why parents hit their kids.  Some parents say: “It gets their attention” or “I only spank when I have to.”  Others tell me, “I believe in discipline” or they say “I spank because it works.”  And there’s my favorite of all: “I got spanked when I was a kid and I turned out just fine.”  It’s tempting, but I make a point of never arguing with adults when they tell me they turned out just fine.

The advantages of spanking or inflicting pain to control behavior are clear.  It’s quick.  Whether it’s Tabasco sauce on the tongue or an electric shock, pain captures your attention.  And most of the time, it suppresses the behavior it’s intended to suppress.  But research has repeatedly shown that corporal punishment is neither an effective or efficient behavior modifier. Maybe that’s why the famous psychologist B. F. Skinner was adamantly against punishment. Punishment, pain, or spanking is linked to more problems than solutions.

Estimates vary, but about 50% or more of parents still regularly use spanking as discipline.  Spanking is an American child-rearing tradition.  It’s quick and simple.  But the consequences are complex and longstanding.  Most of us recall when we were hit by our parents.  It’s hard to forget when you get hit by somebody way bigger than you are. Hitting kids almost always makes an impression.  Unfortunately, it’s an impression that’s neither healthy nor positive.  Parents can do better than to spank their kids. 

Years ago, Mr. Carter died.  I mourned his death.  Despite his paddle, he was a good man.  He taught me and others many important lessons about life.  But I still remember that swat and it spoils some of my memory of him.  I know it wasn’t necessary.  Mr. Carter could have sat down with the eight of us.  He could have looked us each in the eye.  He could have tried to understand our situation.  He could have let my friend Mark avoid humiliation.  He could have expressed his disappointment in us.  He could have had us stay in during the next recess.  He could have used many options that wouldn’t have increased my defiance and decreased my respect for him.  But he went for the quick solution. 

Discipline is about teaching and learning.  It requires patience and creativity.  Using pain as a discipline method was below Mr. Carter’s standards.  He was a creative and enthusiastic teacher; in the long run, he could have had an even more positive influence without hitting kids. And if he were alive to read this, I’m sure he’d never swat again.

 

Favorite Quotations: Clinical Interviewing – Chapter One

These are my favorite quotations from Chapter One. Unfortunately, I didn’t find one of my own:)

It is good to have an end to journey toward;

but it is the journey that matters, in the end.

—Ursula K. Le Guin, The Left Hand of Darkness

 

In his 1939 book The Wisdom of the Body, Walter Cannon {{3281 Cannon 1939;}} wrote:

When we consider the extreme instability of our bodily structure, its readiness for disturbance by the slightest application of external forces . . . its persistence through so many decades seems almost miraculous. The wonder increases when we realize that the system is open, engaging in free exchange with the outer world, and that the structure itself is not permanent, but is being continuously broken down by the wear and tear of action, and as continuously built up again by processes of repair. (p. 20)

 

Strupp and Binder {{324 Strupp 1984;}} gave to mental health professionals three decades ago: “ . . . the therapist should resist the compulsion to do something, especially at those times when he or she feels under pressure from the patient (and himself or herself) to intervene, perform, reassure, and so on” (p. 41).

 

About two decades ago, Phares (1988) concluded that the need for diagnosis before intervention is standard practice in psychology:

Intuitively, we all understand the purpose of diagnosis or assessment. Before physicians can prescribe, they must first understand the nature of the illness. Before plumbers begin banging on pipes, they must first determine the character and location of the difficulty. What is true in medicine and plumbing is equally true in clinical psychology. Aside from a few cases involving blind luck, our capacity to solve clinical problems is directly related to our skill in defining them. (p. 142)

 

As Strupp and Binder (1984) noted, “Recall an old Maine proverb: ‘One can seldom listen his [or her] way into trouble’ ” (p. 44).

Author, Speaker, University of Montana Professor