Tag Archives: Self-care

Happiness, Love, Writing

Toasting the End of Gratitude (Weekend)

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On this weekend, when there is so much wrong in the world, it may be more important than ever for us to gather in small groups, pause, focus on what’s right and good, and express gratitude. 

How’s that going? Are you feeling the gratitude?

Often, focusing on what’s right, on good things, and on strengths and solutions, takes effort. It’s not easy to orient our brains to what’s right, even in the best of times.

As negativity rains down on and around us through news and social media, it’s easy to get judgy. And when I say “judgy” I don’t mean judgy in a nice, positive, “I love your shoes” or “You have such creative views on immigrants” sort of way. Shifting our brains from their natural focus on angst and anger to gratitude feels difficult and sometimes impossible.

First Toast: Let’s hear it for the forces outside and inside ourselves that make it REALLY DIFFICULT to FEEL gratitude, hope, and positivity.

[Editor’s note: When I’m suggesting we push ourselves to experience gratitude and focus on strengths, I’m not endorsing toxic positivity. Sometimes we all need to rant, rave, complain, and roll around in the shit. If that’s what you need, you should find the time, place, and space to do just that. What I’m suggesting here is that opening yourself up to experiencing gratitude and focusing on strengths and solutions is like a muscle. If we intentionally give it a workout, it can get stronger. But, if you’re not ready for or interested in a positivity workout, don’t do it!]

Second Toast: How about some cheer for the EFFORT it takes to push ourselves to focus on gratitude, hope, strengths, and solutions—because that’s how we grow them. Woohoo!

Earlier this year, I attended a medical conference where the presenter did an exquisite job describing the “problem-solving model.” Having taught about problem-solving for three decades, my mind wandered, until the presenter—who was excellent by the way—passionately stated, “Before moving forward, before doing anything, we need to define the problem!”

Maybe it was just me being oppositional, but my wandering mind suddenly became woke and whispered something sweet in my inner ear, like, “This might be bullshit.”

I found myself face-to-face with the BIG problem with problem-solving.

You may be wondering, “What is the BIG problem with problem-solving?” Thanks for wondering. The problem includes:

  • As my colleague Tammy says, maybe we don’t need to gather round and worship the problem.
  • When we drill deeper and more meticulously into what’s wrong, we can grow the problem.
  • As social constructivist theorists would say, “When we center the problem in our collective psyches,” we give it mass, and make it more difficult to change.

What if, instead of relentlessly focusing on the problem, we decided to only discuss what’s going well and possible solutions? What if we decided to grow and celebrate good things?

Adopting a mental set to persistently focus on strengths and solutions is not a new idea. Back in the 1980s, Insoo Kim Berg and Stephen de Shazer pushed as, “Solution-focused brief therapy” (SFBT).

At the time, I found their ideas interesting, but not captivating. One of my friends and a champion for all things strengths-focused (you know who you are Jana), knew the famous Insoo Kim Berg. Once, as Jana and I brainstormed, the possibility of consulting with Insoo came up. Jana said something like, “I could reach out to her, but if we frame this as a problem, Insoo might not even understand what we’re talking about. Insoo only speaks the language of solutions.”

Third Toast: Let’s toast Jana and Insoo Kim Berg for inspiring me to suddenly remember a conversation from 25 years ago. 

The language of problems has deep roots in our psyche. Of course it does. Evolutionary psychology people would say we had to notice and orient toward problems to survive, and so we passed problem-focused genes onto offspring. As our brains evolved, they became excellent at identifying problems, because if we didn’t quickly identify problems, threats, or danger, we would be dead.

[Editor’s note: In contrast to biological evolution theory, evolutionary psychology is incredibly fun, but not very scientific. I know I’m supposed to be orienting myself to the positive right now, but evolutionary psychology mostly involves creating contemporary explanations for observed patterns from the past. As you can imagine, it’s quite entertaining and easy to make up fascinating explanations for human behavior, especially if you don’t need to reconcile your creative ideas with anything resembling fossilized evidence.]

Fourth Toast: Hat’s off and glasses up to evolutionary psychology for aptly demonstrating the power of social constructionism. Boom!

Most of us are naturally well-versed in the language of problems. We see them. We expect them. Even when no problems are present, we worry they’re coming. And they are. Problems and catastrophes are always on their way.

But most of us are not especially well-versed in Insoo Kim Berg’s language of strengths and solutions. Becoming linguistically fluent in strengths and solutions requires effort, discipline, and practice. How could it be any other way? If we WANT to speak the language of the positive, we need to learn and practice it; immersion experiences can be especially helpful.

As our collective gratitude weekend ends, we might benefit from committing ourselves to practicing the language of the positive. We could strive to become so linguistically positive that, at night, we begin dreaming in solution-focused, strengths-based language.

Fifth Toast: Let’s raise our glasses to dreaming in bright, colorful strengths.

We shouldn’t forget our old, natural, first language of problems. Problem-focused language is essential to survival and progress. We just need to stretch ourselves and become bilingual. Imagine the benefits for individuals, families, communities, and nations when we become intentionally bilingual, moving beyond the problem saturated language of our times, and into a solution-saturated future.

Last Toast: Three cheers to you, for making it to the end of this blog. May you have a glorious gratitude-filled holiday weekend. 

John SF

Happiness, Love, Personal Reflections, Writing

On This Gratitude Eve

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Tomorrow is a celebrated holiday involving gratitude. Given the American history of mistreatment, oppression, and abuse of indigenous peoples, I have trouble saying the holiday name. You may think I’m being over-sensitive or politically correct, or you may find yourself seeking some other label to describe me. No worries, I’m here to help. My current labels (which switch with considerable frequency) are grumpy and discouraged.

I know better than to dwell too long on my grumpy and discouraged thoughts, feelings, and somatic complaints. Those of you who know me well know that it makes me grumpy to even use the word somatic, and so the discouragement is deep. While I’m drilling down into my negativity, I’ll add that it also makes me grumpy to hear the words “fight-or-flight” and “brain shut-down” and “amygdala hijack” and “PHQ-9 or GAD-7” and “mental illness” and the mispronunciation of “Likert” and everything else our culture is using to push us into negative mental and emotional states—and keep us there.

I also know that some of the preceding linguistic pet peeves may seem cryptic. That’s okay. I like being mysterious. I’ll just say that I would prefer “amygdala hijinks” over “hijack,” and leave the mystery unsolved.

Not surprisingly, the bigger laments are what give the smaller laments most of their negative power. My bigger laments are probably obvious, but here are a few: How did we develop into a culture where the voices and opinions of people like Andrew Tate and Joe Rogan shape the psychology, emotions, and behavior of so many young men? How did we become a nation that could elect a convicted felon, rapist, racist, sexist, reality television star as the next president? When did Christianity take a turn and become a narcissistic, nationalist, anti-immigrant movement? How did our mainstream media become an entity that gives voice to social media posts from the president elect? And, because the president elect is a well-known serial and pathological liar, how did the media decide they should center their reporting around his likely dissembling bloviations as potentially truthful statements?

I do have to admit that it makes me a little bit happy to use the word bloviations. That was fun.

Now that I have you (my six faithful readers) grumpy and discouraged along with me, maybe I should pause to take stock of the many things and people toward whom I feel gratitude. If, by chance, you’ve also been feeling your share of doom and gloom, I hope you’ll consider joining me in a gratitude activity.

First in line is Rita. Only minutes ago, while planning a few Turkey Day dishes, I offered up one simple suggestion that may have required only one or two brain cells and could easily have been brought forth during a so-called fight-or-flight brain shut-down. Her response of, “That’s a REALLY good idea!” made me laugh out loud (even amidst my gloomy mood). This small interaction reminded me of the many ways that I am lucky to be supported and inspired by Rita every day.

Our children (and son-in-law) are basically overachieving geniuses who work every day to make the world a better place. I won’t go into details here, but this is more good fortune on a rather magnificent scale.

This past weekend I hung out with my sisters, attending a Bat Mitzvah with my Jewish cousins who welcomed us into their celebration with open arms and hearts. We mercilessly teased each other, laughed together, played games, and did what family does. My sisters and I often marvel at our mutual family experiences . . . as given to us by our amazing parents. More big gratitude.

First thing this morning, I got to lightly supervise a few interns who are facilitating a group for dads, prepping to present to classrooms of 8th graders, and being coached by Dylan Wright, who just might be the most dynamic presentation coach of all time. These young people are smart, capable, and committed to being therapeutic forces in the world. . . and I get to work with them.

Tomorrow Rita and I will have dinner with a long-time friend who, having already made substantial contributions to the mental health of a multitude of Montanans, invited us over to help her eat up a frozen turkey that she surprisingly found in her freezer. We have gratitude to her for the past, present, and future.

Just in case you’re wondering, the empirical research on gratitude is pretty fantastic. Focused and intentional gratitude will not immediately transform your life, but in general, gratitude practice is linked to improved mood, increased positive communications with others, hope, and improvements in physical exercise. That last one is as cryptic as my linguistic pet peeves. How could gratitude make you exercise more? Nobody knows. All I can say is this: How about you practice gratitude tonight, tomorrow, and into the future and then see if it helps you exercise more? As B.F. Skinner might say, we should all experiment with our experiences.

Given all the world-wide and local reasons to be grumpy and discouraged, my plan is to counter those feelings by spending more time being grateful. I know it won’t fix the world . . . but I know it will create nicer feelings . . . and that, I suppose, is plenty good for now.

Happiness, Personal Reflections, Writing

Exploring Your Eudaimonic Belongingness Sweet-Spot at West Creek Ranch

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[Moon Rise at West Creek Ranch]

This past week I spent four days at West Creek Ranch, where I was forced to eat gourmet food, do sunrise yoga, experience a ropes course (briefly becoming a “flying squirrel”), watch a reflective horse session, dance away one night, hike in the beautiful Paradise Valley, and hang out, converse, and learn from about 25 very smart/cool/fancy people. Yes, it was a painful and grueling experience—which I did not deserve—but of which I happily partook.

On the first morning, I provided a brief presentation to the group on the concept of belonging, from the perspective of the Montana Happiness Project. Despite having shamefully forgotten to take off my socks during the sunrise morning yoga session, and having anxiety about whether or not I belonged with this incredible group of people, they let me belong. They also laughed at all the right moments during my initial mini-comedy routine, and then engaged completely in a serious reflective activity involving them sharing their eudaimonic belongingness sweet-spots with each other.

If you don’t know what YOUR eudaimonic belongingness sweet-spot is, you’re not alone (because hardly anyone knows what I mean by that particular jumble of words). That’s because, as a university professor, I took the liberty of making that phrase up, while at the same time, noting that it’s derived from some old Aristotelean writings. Yes, that’s what university professors do. Here’s the definition that I half stole and half made up.

That place where the flowering of your greatest (and unique) virtues, gifts, skills, talents, and resources intersect (over time) with the needs of the world [or your community or family].

I hope you take a moment to reflect on that definition and how it is manifest in who you are, and how you are in your relationships with others. If you’re reading this blog post, I suspect that you’re a conscious and sentient entity who makes a positive difference in the lives of others in ways that are uniquely you. Because we can’t and don’t always see ourselves as others see us, in our University of Montana Happiness course, we have an assignment called the Natural Talent Interview designed to help you gain perspective on your own distinct and distinctive positive qualities. You can find info on the Natural Talent Interview here: https://johnsommersflanagan.com/2023/12/26/what-do-you-think-of-me/

And my West Creek presentation powerpoint slides (all nine of them) are here:  

AMBFF West Creek John SFDownload

You may have missed the main point of this blog post—which would be easy because I’m writing like a semi-sarcastic and erudite runaway loose association train that’s so busy whistling that it can’t make a point. My main point is GRATITUDE. Big, vast, and immense gratitude. Gratitude for the Arthur M. Blank Family Foundation (AMBFF) and our massively helpful program officers. Gratitude for our retreat facilitators. Gratitude for the staff at West Creek Ranch. Gratitude for the presence of everyone at the gathering. And gratitude for the therapeutic feelings of belonging I had the luxury of ruminating on all week. My experience was so good that I’m still savoring it like whatever you think might be worth savoring and then end up savoring even more than you expected.

Thank you AMBFF and Arthur Blank for your unrelenting generosity and laser-focus on how we can come together as community and make the world a better place.

************

*Note: At the Montana Happiness Project, we do not support toxic positivity. What I mean by that is: (a) no one should ever tell anyone else to cheer up (that’s just offensive and emotionally dismissive), and (b) although we reap benefits from shifting our thinking and emotions in positive directions, we also reap similar benefits from writing and talking about trauma, life challenges, and social injustice. As humans, we are walking dialectics, meaning we grow from exploring the negative as well as the positive in life. We are multitudes, simultaneously learning and growing in many directions.

Clinical Interviewing, Happiness, Personal Reflections, Suicide Assessment and Intervention

Eye Contact, Influencers, and Self-Care CBT

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While searching for updated guidance on cross-cultural eye contact in counseling and psychotherapy (for the 7th edition revision of Clinical Interviewing), I came across a young therapist with over 1 million YouTube subscribers. She was perky, articulate, and very impressive in her delivery of almost-true information about the meaning of eye contact in counseling (from about 5 years ago). There were so many public comments on her video . . . I couldn’t possibly read or track them all. Sadly, although she waxed eloquent about trauma and eye contact, she never once mentioned culture, or how the meaning of eye contact varies based on cultural, familial, and individual factors. Part of my takeaway was her retelling a version of a John Wayne-esq sort of message wherein we should all strive to look the other person in the eye. Ugh. I’m sad we have so many perky, articulate influencers who share information that’s NOT inclusive or deep or particularly accurate. Oh well.

Curious, and TBH, perhaps a bit jealous of this therapist’s YouTube fame, I clicked on her most recent video. I discovered her in tears, describing how she needs a break, and detailing a range of symptoms that fit pretty well with major depressive disorder. Oh my. This time I felt sad for her and her life because it must have turned into a runaway train of influencer-related opportunities and demands. My jealousy of her particular type of fame evaporated.

Many therapists—including me—aren’t as good at practicing as we are preaching. Every day I try to get better and fail a little and succeed a little. Life is a marathon. Small changes can make their way into our lives and become bigger changes.

Because of our Clinical Interviewing revision, I’m saying “No” to presentation opportunities more often than usual. That’s a good thing. Setting limits and taking care of business at home is essential. However, in about one month, I’ve set aside a week for a gamut of presentations and appearances. These presentations and appearances all include some content related to positive psychology, positive coping, and how we can all live better lives in the face of challenging work. Here they are:

  1. On Friday, November 4 at 8:30am, I’ll be doing an opening keynote address for the Montana CBT conference. The keynote is titled, “Exploring the Potential of Evidence-Based Happiness.” The whole conference looks great (12.75 CEs available). I’ve also got a break-out session from 1:15pm to 3:15pm, titled, “Using a Strengths-Based Approach to Suicide Assessment and Treatment in Your Counseling Practice.” You can register for the two-day Montana CBT conference here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/montana-cbt-conference-registration-367811452957Helena
  2. On Monday, November 7 at 11am in Missoula I’ll be presenting for the University of Montana Molli Program. Although in-person seats are sold-out, people can still register to attend online. https://www.missoulaevents.net/11/07/2022/the-art-science-and-practice-of-meaningful-happiness/ The presentation title is: The Art, Science, and Practice of Meaningful Happiness. Molli is the Osher Lifelong Learning Institute at UM – which focuses on educational offerings for folks 50+ years-old.
  3. On Wednesday, November 9 from 12:30-4:30pm I’ll be doing a Strengths-Based suicide assessment and treatment workshop for Bitterroot Connect in Hamilton, MT. https://sites.google.com/starckcounseling.com/adrianna-starck-counseling/bitterroot-valley-connect

In closing, I’m posting something everyone needs, an 11-second video featuring one of our new piglets, Alfalfa, doing her “lay down” trick.

Be well . . .

John S-F

Cool Counseling, Ethics

MSCA 2018 — Keynote Powerpoints

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Hey all.

I’m in Helena in anticipation of a great morning tomorrow with the Montana School Counseling Association. Thanks Renee’ Schoening for the invite. The bad news is that my talk is on stress management and because everyone at the conference has probably already heard my “30 minutes of profanity” story, I’m feeling stressed. Funny how that works.

The good news is that the amazing Salena Beaumont Hill will be my co-presenter. I’m hoping she’ll have a story with the F-word to replace mine. Haha. Kidding Salena.

Here are the ppts. Let’s have some fun tomorrow! MSCA Keynote 2018