Counseling and Psychotherapy Theory and Practice

The Girl Code by Ashley Marallo

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In 1999, William Pollack published a book titled, Real Boys.This book, based on his interviews with adolescent boys, included a list of behaviors he referred to as the “Boy Code.” The Boy Code included boy-related norms like: (a) Stand on your own two feet, (b) never show emotion–except anger, and (c) separate from your mother and all things female ASAP.

When lecturing on feminist theory and therapy, I often include a short review of Pollack’s Boy Code and follow that with a discussion about what might be the American version of a Girl Code. Most years I offer students a few points if they’ll email me their personal rendition of a Girl Code.

The year, Ashley Marallo, M.S.W., who’s currently a doctoral student in our counselor education program sent me her amazing and poetic version of the Girl Code. With Ashley’s permission, here it is:

Be nurturing and passive and loyal. Above all else, sacrifice for others who need you to tend to them. Put your life on hold to be available at the moment they need you. Standby anxiously watching and waiting to be of use. It is why you are loved. Don’t forget you are nothing without me. But I will throw you a bone, the façade of real belonging, and you will be too scared to look for something better. Please me. Be desirable. Put on a show for me. Show me how much you care what I think. Don’t inhabit your body. Detach yourself so you see you through my eyes. Remove all your body hair. Look like a porn star. Be skinny, but still curvy. But eat! Take this and buy yourself something nice. By nice I mean Victoria’s Secret for you to parade around in later for me. Be sexual when I want you to be, anticipate my moods, take charge within the limits of the power I give you, make decisions. Make the right ones. You’re an idiot if you make the wrong one. Obviously you’re not paying attention. Be sorry. You’re so emotional. Crazy. Needy. Clingy. You need help. Need me. I’ll keep you safe. Then trust me and be vulnerable and I’ll make you feel weak and worthless. Be feminine but independent. Your ambition is so cute. So is your anger as long as it bends to mine. I’m not happy. Do something for me. Be responsible for my emotions. Feel bad about it. Come home. Read my mind. Control yourself. You’re like a child. Grow up. All you ever do is think about yourself. Prove yourself. Work harder than everyone else then I’ll approve. Be perfect. Look rested. Glow. Don’t wear too much makeup. You look like a slut. Why did you cut your hair that way? Be graceful. Be beautiful and make it look natural. Don’t cry. It makes your eyes puffy. No one wants to be around you when you are like this. Your job is to make men feel important and special. Your value depends on it. If they want you, go with them. That will give you power. You can make them lose control. Be mysterious and intriguing. Speak intellectually but not over their head. You don’t want them to feel inadequate. A specific level of smartness is sexy. Be fun. Be charming and alluring. Drink and show you can have a good time. But don’t get wasted or throw up. Maintain the precise amount of control over yourself at all times. Be sensitive. Absorb meanness. Forgive them. It’s nice of them to apologize. Don’t be too hard to handle, or too much work. They’ve had a hard day. Go be by yourself when you feel sad. Like the things I like. Look adorable in oversized football jerseys. Hang out with the guys. Let me show you off. Who’s that guy you were talking to at the bar? You probably want to fuck him. Take birth control pills so I don’t have to wear condoms. Get on top. Make out with girls. Watch the kids. If you make it to 17 without having your own, you are doing pretty good. Stay together for the kids. Let them be angry with you. It is your fault it didn’t work after all. If you had just tried harder. Everything’s fine. It’s all in your head. It’s always something. Make me a cup of tea. Avoid conflict. Smooth it over. Just say you’re sorry and it will be ok. Keep the family together. Use sexuality as a weapon. Just the right amount. Don’t talk about it. Lie about how many men you’ve slept with and the size of their penises. They don’t really want to know even when they ask. Make sure you lay down in just the right position that your belly looks flat and your hip bones protrude just enough to create a small shadow. Enjoy strip clubs. It makes you an edgy chic. Agonize over bathing suit season and buy something that costs twice as much as a shirt for a pile of strings half the size. And make sure it makes your boobs look perky. And by the way all women should be able to wear tube tops. Get a tan and pedicures. Our feet are supposed to be cute, small and smooth. Giggle at lewd comments. It’s a compliment. Be a doll. Orbit around your man. Create a nice home for him. Be his mother and his servant. The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Be chaste enough to make him wait but marry him if he knocks you up. Continuously ask yourself whether you are an imposter and when you will be found out. Offer to pay but be ready to and hope he picks up the tab. Say thank you for everything you are given even if you earn it. Apologize for everything that goes wrong even if it’s not your fault. Perpetually wonder if you are good enough, not knowing what you’re wondering you are good enough for.

 

Parenting

Backward Behavior Modification

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Understanding backward behavior modification is very important for parents and for professionals who work with parents. In the following short excerpt from our book, “How to Listen So Parents will Talk and Talk so Parents will Listen” we introduce the concept. If you have an opinion about this concept, be sure to comment and share your perspective.

Backward Behavior Modification: Using Boring, Natural, and Logical Consequences and Passionate and Surprise Rewards

As we alluded to in Chapter 4, backward behavior modification is endemic. Not only do parents tend to pay more attention to negative and undesirable behaviors than they do to positive and desirable behaviors, they also tend to do so with greater force or affect—which further complicates the situation. As noted previously, we learned about this complicated problem directly from teenagers who were in trouble for delinquent behaviors (see Chapter 4).

If parents engage in too much anger, yelling, or passion when their children misbehave, several problems can emerge: (1) The child will experience her parent’s passion as reinforcement for misbehavior; (2) the child will feel powerful and in-control of her parent (which is quite strong positive reinforcement); or (3) the parent will feel controlled by the child, or out-of-control, both of which further escalate the parent’s emotional behavior.

To address backward behavior modification problems, we teach parents how to use “Boring Consequences and Passionate Rewards.” The opening case in Chapter 1 is an example of the power of boring consequences. If you recall, the parents of Emma, a very oppositional nine-year-old, reported their “family was about to disintegrate” because of continuous power struggles. However, when they returned for their second consultation session, their family situation had transformed largely as a function of boring consequences. In Chapter 1, we quoted the father’s report on how he found boring consequences to be tremendously helpful. Emma’s mother was similarly positive:

Thinking about and then giving boring consequences helped us see that it was about us and not about our daughter. Before, she would misbehave and we would know she was going to misbehave and so we would go ballistic. Giving boring consequences suddenly gave us back our control over how we reacted to her. Instead of planning to go ballistic, it helped us see that going ballistic wasn’t helping her and wasn’t helping us. It felt good to plan to be boring instead. And the best thing about it was how it made the whole process of giving out consequences much shorter.

The inverse alternative to boring consequences is the practice of passionate rewards. Parents can be encouraged to intentionally pay positive and enthusiastic attention to their children’s positive, desirable, and prosocial behaviors. Passionate rewards include parental responses such as:

  • Applause or positive hoots and hollers
  • Verbal praise (“I am so impressed with your dedication to learning Spanish”)
  • Pats on the back, shoulder massages, and hugs
  • Family gatherings where everyone dishes out compliments

Passionate rewards are especially important for preadolescent children. As you may suspect, because of increased self-consciousness accompanying adolescence, passionate hugs and excessive compliments for a 14-year-old may function as a punishment rather than a reinforcement—especially if the hugging and hooting occurs in front of the 14-year-old’s peers.

Surprise rewards, presuming they’re provided in a socially tactful manner, are extremely powerful reinforcers for children of all ages. For example, with teenagers it can be very rewarding if parents suddenly and without advance notice say something like, “You know, you’ve been working hard and you’ve been so darn helpful that this weekend we’d like to give you a complete vacation from all your household chores or this $20 bill to go out to the movie of your choice with your buddies; which would you prefer?”

Surprise rewards are, in technical behavioral lingo, variable-ratio reinforcements. Across species, this reinforcement schedule has been shown to be the most powerful reinforcement schedule of all. Everyday examples of variable-ratio reinforcement schedules include gambling, golf, fishing, and other highly addictive behaviors where individuals can never be certain when their next response might result in the “jackpot.”

When coaching parents to use surprise rewards (variable-ratio reinforcement schedules), we emphasize that the surprise reward should be viewed as a spontaneous celebration of desirable behavior. Overall, we prefer this informal reinforcement plan over more mechanized sticker charts and reward systems (although we don’t mean to say that these more mechanized systems should never be used; in fact, when children are put in charge of their own reinforcement systems, these systems can be especially effective).

Clinical Interviewing

Another Sample Mental Status Examination Report

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Mental Status Examination (MSE) reports can be more or less detailed. More detailed reports are necessary when patients or clients exhibit a complex array of psychiatric symptoms, affect, and behavior. Less detailed reports are more common when the situation is less complex and the patient or client displays affect and behaviors that are generally within what might be considered a broad range of normal.

In most cases MSEs are imbedded within a clinical or psychiatric interview. As a consequence, as an evaluator, sometimes you may obtain more information about certain areas of functioning than others. This may or may not be intentional and it may or may not be reflected in your report. For example, in the example below, the purpose of the interview was to screen an individual for advanced placement in a Job Corps setting. Because Job Corps is a social and vocational setting, you may notice the MSE report writer emphasizes social functioning. You may also notice that the writer is EXPLICITLY clearly giving the client a “clean” mental status.

Keep in mind that like all MSE reports, this report is designed as a relatively objective appraisal of mental functioning. Nevertheless, subjective judgment and inference is always a part of MSEs and MSE reports.

MSE Sample Report: Example of Positive Functioning

Lucia Rodriguez, a 24-year-old Latino female, was open, pleasant, and cooperative during our meeting. She was well-groomed and looked somewhat younger than her stated age. She was fully oriented and alert. Her speech was clear, coherent, and of normal rate and volume. Her affect was euthymic and stable. She rated her mood as an “8” on a 0-10 scale, with 0 being completely down and depressed and 10 being as happy as possible. She further indicated that she is typically in a “positive mood.” Lucia has no current obsessional thoughts or psychotic symptoms. She has no significant mental health history. Her intellectual ability is probably at least in the above average range. She completed serial sevens and other concentration tasks without difficulty. Her cognitive skills, including memory and abstract thinking were intact. Her responses to questions pertaining to social judgment were positive and well-developed. Overall she appeared forthright and reliable. Her insight and judgment were good.

Uncategorized

Want to Help with Professional Referencing?

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Hi All.

I’ve got a writing project going and could use some help with specific tasks and so I’m posting this “job description” and instructions for applying.

Job Description

• Working from a PC platform (sorry, Macs haven’t worked well for this) and using PsycInfo, identify citations/references (books and articles) to use in the 2013 revision of Clinical Interviewing
• Compile these references in an organized electronic chapter-by-chapter library using RefWorks
• Meet with me in person or over the phone to discuss the references as needed
• Insert the references into the chapters using RefWorks
• Edit the reference lists to be perfectly compliant with APA format
• Available to work up to 5 hours a week from now until Feb 1 (this will likely be quite variable with zero hours some weeks and more other weeks)
• Interest in making $15/hour for this work
• If you don’t have direct experience in this area but you’re capable and motivated, depending on other factors, I may be happy to pay you for the first few hours as you learn how to do this

Application Instructions

Email me at john.sf@mso.umt.edu a short letter/note expressing your interest and any experience you have with the items on the preceding job description list.

John

Counseling and Psychotherapy Theory and Practice

From Boring Theory to Exciting Practice: WACES PowerPoints II

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Mondays are my theories evening this semester. Last night was feminist theory and therapy. We rocked our way through Women & Madness; Kinder, Kuche, and Kurche; and the Broverman et al. study to provide us with a foundation of justified anger which helped raise our collective consciousness and stimulate our instinct to tend and befriend and eventually develop an ethic of caring.

Below is the link to powerpoints from my second presentation at the WACES conference in Portland.

WACES Theories

Clinical Interviewing

The WACES Conference in Portland — Presentation I — The Mental Status Exam and Suicide Assessment

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This post includes the powerpoint slides from my presentation on Teaching the Mental Status Examination and Suicide Assessment at the Western Association of Counselor Educators and Supervisors. It was a very nice conference organized and attended by some awesome Counselor Educators. WACES MSE

Clinical Interviewing

Practicing Humility When Conducting Mental Status Examinations

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Perhaps more than any other assessment task, conducting a balanced mental status examination requires that professionals resist the natural temptation to make sweeping judgments about clients on the basis of appearance, specific behaviors, or single symptoms. For example, in a recently published book titled The mental status examination and brief social history in clinical psychology, Smith {{5681 III 2011;}} stated:

A Fu-Manchu mustache suggests the wearer doesn’t mind being thought of as “bad,” whereas a handlebar mustache tells you the person may be somewhat of a dandy or narcissist. (p. 4)

After reading the preceding excerpt, I decided to conduct a small research study by surveying men in Montana with Fu-Manchu mustaches. Whenever I saw men sporting a Fu-Manchu, I asked them to rate (on a seven-point Likert scale) whether they minded being thought of as “bad.” In contrast to Smith’s (2011) observations, I found that most men with Fu-Manchu’s actually thought they looked good and reported wearing the mustache in an effort to look attractive. Of course I didn’t really conduct this survey, but the fact that I thought about doing it and imagined the results carries approximately the same validity as the wild assumption that a mental status examiner can quickly “get into the head of” all clients with Fu-Manchu (or handlebar) mustaches and interpret their underlying personal beliefs or intentions, or even worse, extrapolate from a physical feature to a personality disorder diagnosis.

Although I’m poking fun at the sweeping generalizations that Smith (2011) made in his text, my intent is to point out how easy it is to grow overconfident when conducting MSEs. Like Smith, I’ve sometimes found myself making wild and highly personalized assumptions about the psychopathological meaning of very specific behaviors (some years ago I had my own personal theory about “tanning” behaviors being linked to narcissism).

The key to dealing with this natural tendency towards overconfidence is to use Stanley Sue’s (2006) concept of scientific mindedness. A single symptom should be viewed as a sign that the sensitive and ethical mental status examiner considers a hypothesis to explore. Another example from Smith (2011) may be helpful as another caution of the dangers of over-interpreting single symptoms. He stated: “If the person is unshaven, this may be a sign of depression, alcoholism, or other poor ability at social adaptation” (p. 4).

Smith may be correct in his hypotheses about unshaven clients. In fact, if a research study were conducted on diagnoses or symptoms commonly associated with unshaven-ness, it might show a small correlation with depressive symptoms, partly because poor hygiene can be a feature of some depressive disorders. However, in the absence of additional confirming evidence, an unshaven client is just an unshaven client. And when it comes to social adaptation, I should note that I know many young men (as well as a variety of movie stars) who consider the unshaven look as either desirable, sexy, or both. This could lead to an equally likely hypothesis that an unshaven client is particularly cool or has an especially high level of social adaptation.

In your own MSE work I encourage you to adopt the following three guidelines to help you avoid what might be called the overconfident clinician syndrome:

  1. When you spot a single symptom or client feature of particular interest, you should begin the scientific mindedness process.
  2. Remember that hypotheses are hypotheses and not conclusions; this is why hypotheses require additional supporting evidence.
  3. Don’t make wild inferential leaps without first consulting with colleagues and/or supervisors; it’s often easier to become overconfident and subsequently make inappropriate judgments when working in isolation.

Keep these preceding guidelines in minds as you conduct mental status examinations. You can find my DVD with a clip of a mental status exam at: http://www.amazon.com/Clinical-Interviewing-Skills-John-Sommers-Flanagan/dp/1118390121

Personal Reflections

Song Lyrics for the Election

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In my own wacky mind I’m thinking it might be a good idea to listen to some social justice lyrics on election day. Here are a few that came to me. Feel free to offer your own.

Ten Top Song Lyrics for Election Day . . .

  1. It’s a beautiful day; don’t let it get away . . . without voting (Bono)
  2. What kind of father would take his own daughter’s rights away? And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay? (Pink)
  3. Why am I soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard? (Paul Simon)
  4. So often have I wondered where these homeless brothers go, down in some hidden valley where their sorrows cannot show. (Don McLean)
  5. . . . our children are watching us, they put their trust in us, they’re gonna be like us; so let’s learn from our history, and do it differently (Dixie Chicks)
  6. Cause I’m bluffin’ with my muffin; I’m not lying; I’m just stunnin’ with my love-glue-gunning (Lady Gaga)
  7. I’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter. But I think it’s about forgiveness. (Don Henley)
  8. It’s just a theory. A particular set of assumptions. It’s just a theory; an educated guess, a conclusion not forgone (Tracy Chapman)
  9. After changes upon changes we are more or less the same. After changes we are more or less the same (Paul Simon)
  10. In times like these and in times like those, what will be will be and so it goes . . . and it always goes on and on and on and on and on. On and on and on and on and on it goes, hmm (Jack Johnson)
Personal Reflections, Politics, Writing

Tomorrow’s Election and Confirmation Bias

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Confirmation bias is one of the most ubiquitous psychological phenomena on planet Earth. If you don’t know what it is, you should learn. And if you do know what it is, you should start paying even more attention to it. It’s everywhere and it affects everyone.

I think the all-time best description of confirmation bias is captured by an old Yogi Berra story. One day, when a player on Yogi’s team was called out on a close play at second base in a crucial game, Yogi went charging onto the field to protest the call. The umpire explained that he, unlike Yogi, was an objective observer and that he, unlike Yogi, had been only about 5 feet from the play, while Yogi had been over 100 feet away, seated in the dugout. When Yogi heard the umpire’s logic, he became EVEN MORE ANGRY than before and snapped back, “Listen ump, I wouldn’t have seen it, if I hadn’t believed it” (adapted from Leber, 1991).

There’s little doubt about the relevance of confirmation bias for tomorrow’s election. Liberal bloggers and pollsters see data suggesting an Obama victory while conservative media personalities counter-predict a Romney landslide.

As in the Yogi Berra example, confirmation bias explains why two presumably objective individuals can observe the same incident and draw starkly differing conclusions. After all, it’s impossible to suspend our personal beliefs and rely exclusively on logical data. We all naturally interpret and spin the data. Republicans look at recent economic figures and claim they’re caused by failed economic policies. Democrats look at the same data and note that Obama inherited a dismal economic situation and that we’d be far worse off if he hadn’t provided a stimulus and increased government spending.

The confirmation bias is everywhere all at once. If I were to wake up one morning believing abortion is murder, immigrants are illegals, and gays are sinful—my perceptions and behaviors would follow . . . and I’ll be more inclined to view individuals with darker skin as intruders who threaten my lifestyle, I’ll reject the mainstream media as having a liberal bias, and believe deeply that Fox News offers fair and balanced reporting.

But if somehow a miracle occurs and I wake up the next day believing women have the right to make their own medical choices, that many immigrants are just seeking a better life like my Italian forebears, and that gay-ness is a natural biological disposition—you can imagine how I might feel when I turn on my radio and accidentally listen to the Glen Beck show. It’s likely that I’ll pick a art his statements and question the source and validity of his facts.

My point is not to claim that one side has all the correct answers and if you think that, you’ve been drinking far too much Kool-Aid. Instead, my point is that we should all look at ourselves and question our biases. In fact, as you read this blog your response to the words on the screen will be affected by confirmation bias . . . and to the extent that you find yourself agreeing with or debating my position will likely have more to do with you and your beliefs and personal history than the accuracy or truthfulness of this blog.

As a final example, let’s look at the potential Presidential election outcome tomorrow. If you’re a liberal and Romney is elected you’ll be more likely to wonder if Tagg’s ownership of Ohio voting machines and voter suppression had more to do with the outcome than Romney’s desirability or credibility. On the other hand, if you’re a conservative and Obama wins, you may be inclined to blame it on voter fraud or an ignorant electorate. And if I’m correct and confirmation bias is ubiquitous, you may already be preparing your explanation for tomorrow’s election outcome.

Remember these words: “I wouldn’t have seen it, if I hadn’t believed it” and try your best to cope with tomorrow’s results—either way.

Parenting

Why Dear Abby’s Parenting Advice is so Limited

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In the preceding weeks I’ve been posting about the 4 primary ways parents can influence their children. Today, we look at the application of what we refer to as the “Parent Influence Model.” More information on this model and how to use it to improve parenting strategies is in the book, “How to Listen so Parents will Talk. . .” by two of my favorite authors. The following is an adapted excerpt.

Many cultures focus excessively on using direct power to get children to comply with parental authority, and our dominant American culture is certainly among them.  This may be in part because of the powerful influence of behavioral psychology and partly due to a historical white-European devaluing of children identified by some authors.  Fortunately, the Parenting Influence Model (PIM) provides parents with effective alternatives to simply using direct power over and over again.

As an American icon, “Dear Abby” regularly provides guidance for parents who face specific parenting challenges. However, for better or worse, Abby usually offers advice based almost exclusively on direct power. While you read through the following summary of a Dear Abby column, consider the PIM. In particular, think about which indirect, problem-solving, and relationship power strategies you might suggest for the parenting dilemma described in this column:

In her February 17, 2009 column, Abby responded to a letter written by a mother described as Tanya of North Lima, Ohio. Tanya described a challenging situation with her nine-year-old son. She reported that he refused or made excuses when asked to take a shower after his wrestling practice and that she was at her “wits’ end.” She noted other personal hygiene problems, including difficulty getting him to brush his teeth and change his underwear. She ended her letter with a plea: “Please give me some advice.”

Abby responded with clear and direct guidance. She instructed Tanya to:

  1. Establish rules and enforce them.
  2. Consider asking the wrestling coach to “impress upon him the importance of personal hygiene.”
  3. Refuse to serve the son dinner until he has showered.
  4. Require him to “brush his teeth before coming to the breakfast table.”
  5. If the problem continues for over six months, consider a consultation with a “child psychologist.”

The problem that Tanya of Ohio presented to Abby was typical. Tanya has an agenda and she wants her child to comply with her agenda. She has tried direct power strategies, failed miserably, but is still unable to think outside the direct-power paradigm. For example, she states: “I tell him to take a shower,” “I have had to personally bathe him,” and “I don’t know what to do to get him . . . .” Each of these phrases articulates at least two things: (1) she has taken on the primary responsibility for her son’s hygiene (and so he is free to not care much at all about hygiene; we refer to this as problem polarization and discuss it at length later); and (2) she is focused, as far as we can tell, exclusively on direct power strategies.

Using the PIM as a guide, in an educational or therapeutic setting, the first step would be for the parenting professional to model an attitude reflected in the short phrase, developed by Linda Braun of Families First Boston: “Get curious, not furious.” The professional would empathize with the parent’s frustration (“It is hard when your nine-year-old smells bad!”) while gently exploring the roots of the problem (“What do you suppose is going on that makes it so your son really doesn’t seem to care about showering and brushing his teeth?”), and gathering concrete information about exactly what the parent has tried and how it has worked. In the end, the professional might provide the parent with a collaboratively generated list of parenting strategies. For Tanya and her son, the list would likely, but not inevitably, include an individualized combination of the following:

  • Mutual problem-solving
  • Solution questions
  • Character feedback
  • Giving choices
  • Asset flooding
  • Expressing anger and disappointment

In contrast, as Abby articulated so well, our popular cultural advice for parents who face problem child behavior is something like:

You need to force that boy to comply with your parental authority.

Abby’s solution advocates parental over-control: She recommended withholding food. She recommended usurping the boy’s privacy by consulting with his wrestling coach (apparently behind the boy’s back). She didn’t seem to understand the powerful force of encouragement—or even positive reinforcement. Although the mom may win this battle using direct power, her withdrawals from her joint emotional bank account with her son may be immense. Their relationship will suffer and their conflicts may continue to grow.  Eventually, the mom’s power-plays may become significantly less effective as he heads into his teenage years.

In contrast to Abby’s approach, many parenting book authors acknowledge the need for parents to have a wide range of skills and strategies for parenting well. As an example, Fields and Brown (2010) described this need for multiple strategies for parents of toddlers:

You can’t make a kid eat, sleep, or poop on the potty. Yes, toddlers have a will all of their own—and if they don’t want to do any of the above, darn it, that’s the way it is. Nope, you have to come well-armed with a series of clever strategies and tricks to work some magic. (p. 6)

Overall, the PIM can help you become more aware of specific influence strategies parents are using in their daily lives. You can then use this awareness to help parents expand their influence repertoire, and hopefully help parents become more successful in really getting what they want: being and becoming a positive and guiding influence in their children’s lives.

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