I’m virtually in Vermont tomorrow doing an all-day-long workshop on working with so-called challenging youth in counseling and psychotherapy. We start at 8am Mountain Time . . . and 10am on the East coast. Here’s the link to register for the workshop for anyone who suddenly has found themselves with a wide open day. The cost is: $195.
Tomorrow, December 4, I’m doing a quick one-hour version of my “Integration” workshop. Obviously, my leaning is toward the strengths-based, constructive approach to suicide assessment and treatment, but sometimes we need to integrate strengths-based approaches with the traditional medical model. That’s what this workshop is all about.
The workshop is presented on behalf of the Professional Counseling Association of Montana — the brainchild of Cynthia Boyle, a Ph.D. student in the University of Montana’s counseling and supervision program. Here’s a link to their website: https://pcamontana.org/
In case you’re attending . . . or interested . . . here are the slides:
Tomorrow is a celebrated holiday involving gratitude. Given the American history of mistreatment, oppression, and abuse of indigenous peoples, I have trouble saying the holiday name. You may think I’m being over-sensitive or politically correct, or you may find yourself seeking some other label to describe me. No worries, I’m here to help. My current labels (which switch with considerable frequency) are grumpy and discouraged.
I know better than to dwell too long on my grumpy and discouraged thoughts, feelings, and somatic complaints. Those of you who know me well know that it makes me grumpy to even use the word somatic, and so the discouragement is deep. While I’m drilling down into my negativity, I’ll add that it also makes me grumpy to hear the words “fight-or-flight” and “brain shut-down” and “amygdala hijack” and “PHQ-9 or GAD-7” and “mental illness” and the mispronunciation of “Likert” and everything else our culture is using to push us into negative mental and emotional states—and keep us there.
I also know that some of the preceding linguistic pet peeves may seem cryptic. That’s okay. I like being mysterious. I’ll just say that I would prefer “amygdala hijinks” over “hijack,” and leave the mystery unsolved.
Not surprisingly, the bigger laments are what give the smaller laments most of their negative power. My bigger laments are probably obvious, but here are a few: How did we develop into a culture where the voices and opinions of people like Andrew Tate and Joe Rogan shape the psychology, emotions, and behavior of so many young men? How did we become a nation that could elect a convicted felon, rapist, racist, sexist, reality television star as the next president? When did Christianity take a turn and become a narcissistic, nationalist, anti-immigrant movement? How did our mainstream media become an entity that gives voice to social media posts from the president elect? And, because the president elect is a well-known serial and pathological liar, how did the media decide they should center their reporting around his likely dissembling bloviations as potentially truthful statements?
I do have to admit that it makes me a little bit happy to use the word bloviations. That was fun.
Now that I have you (my six faithful readers) grumpy and discouraged along with me, maybe I should pause to take stock of the many things and people toward whom I feel gratitude. If, by chance, you’ve also been feeling your share of doom and gloom, I hope you’ll consider joining me in a gratitude activity.
First in line is Rita. Only minutes ago, while planning a few Turkey Day dishes, I offered up one simple suggestion that may have required only one or two brain cells and could easily have been brought forth during a so-called fight-or-flight brain shut-down. Her response of, “That’s a REALLY good idea!” made me laugh out loud (even amidst my gloomy mood). This small interaction reminded me of the many ways that I am lucky to be supported and inspired by Rita every day.
Our children (and son-in-law) are basically overachieving geniuses who work every day to make the world a better place. I won’t go into details here, but this is more good fortune on a rather magnificent scale.
This past weekend I hung out with my sisters, attending a Bat Mitzvah with my Jewish cousins who welcomed us into their celebration with open arms and hearts. We mercilessly teased each other, laughed together, played games, and did what family does. My sisters and I often marvel at our mutual family experiences . . . as given to us by our amazing parents. More big gratitude.
First thing this morning, I got to lightly supervise a few interns who are facilitating a group for dads, prepping to present to classrooms of 8th graders, and being coached by Dylan Wright, who just might be the most dynamic presentation coach of all time. These young people are smart, capable, and committed to being therapeutic forces in the world. . . and I get to work with them.
Tomorrow Rita and I will have dinner with a long-time friend who, having already made substantial contributions to the mental health of a multitude of Montanans, invited us over to help her eat up a frozen turkey that she surprisingly found in her freezer. We have gratitude to her for the past, present, and future.
Just in case you’re wondering, the empirical research on gratitude is pretty fantastic. Focused and intentional gratitude will not immediately transform your life, but in general, gratitude practice is linked to improved mood, increased positive communications with others, hope, and improvements in physical exercise. That last one is as cryptic as my linguistic pet peeves. How could gratitude make you exercise more? Nobody knows. All I can say is this: How about you practice gratitude tonight, tomorrow, and into the future and then see if it helps you exercise more? As B.F. Skinner might say, we should all experiment with our experiences.
Given all the world-wide and local reasons to be grumpy and discouraged, my plan is to counter those feelings by spending more time being grateful. I know it won’t fix the world . . . but I know it will create nicer feelings . . . and that, I suppose, is plenty good for now.
My wife (Rita) and I used to argue over who came up with the catchy “Tough Kids, Cool Counseling” title for our 1997/2007 book with the American Counseling Association. I would swear it was MY grand idea; she would swear back that it was HER idea. If any of you are in–or have been in–romantic partnerships, perhaps you can relate to disagreements over who has all the best ideas. I doubt that this dynamic is unique to Rita and me.
Years passed . . . and now I’ve come to very much dislike the title. . . leading me to give Rita ALL THE CREDIT! You’ve got it Rita! It was all you!
Despite my dislike for the title, I still sometimes use it for workshops. Why might that be, you may be wondering? Good question. I use it so I can make the point, early in the workshop, that we should NEVER use language that blames young people for their problems or their problem behaviors. In fact, we should never even “think” thoughts that assign blame to them for being “tough.”
My reasoning for this is informed by constructive theory and narrative therapy. When we assign blame and responsibility to young people for being “tough” or “difficult” or “challenging,” we risk contributing to them holding a tough, difficult, or challenging identity–which is exactly the opposite of what we want to be doing. Instead, I tell my workshop participants that we should recognize, there are no “tough kids” . . . there are only kids in tough situations . . . and being in counseling or psychotherapy is just another tough situation that young people have to face. Consequently, it’s NOT their fault if they engage in so-called tough or challenging behaviors.
All this leads me to share that I’ll be online all day on December 6, 2024, doing a workshop for mental health professionals. The workshop, anachronistically titled, “Tough Kids, Cool Counseling” is sponsored by the Vermont Psychological Association. You can register for the workshop here: https://twinstates.ce21.com/item/tough-kids-cool-counseling-131540
Even if I do say so myself, I’m proclaiming here and now that this will be a very engaging online workshop. If you work with youth (ages 10-18) in counseling or psychotherapy, and you need/want some year-ending CEUs, we’ll be having some virtual fun on December 6, and I hope you can join in.
Earlier this week I was asked to write a very brief stump speech for positive education. I’ve never written a stump speech. . . and mostly feel good about that. For this stump speech, I decided to stick with very basic facts or tendencies associated with positive psychology and positive education.
Here’s a hastily written first draft. Feel free to comment and make recommendations as you like.
*********
Positive education, as we define it at the University of Montana, is based on three essential psychological truths (or tendencies).
Most people are naturally compelled to focus on the negative, as captured by the question: “What’s wrong with you?”
The things and experiences that we pay attention to, will grow.
We are better at growing strengths than we are at getting rid of problems or symptoms.
These truths explain why current approaches to education unintentionally grow negative emotions and symptoms like anxiety, depression, and trauma. These truths also explain why we need to train all educators, counselors, and students to overcome their tendency to over-focus on the negative, and instead systematically focus on growing student, teacher, and administrator strengths, skills, resources, and virtues.
Positive education is the best path forward for education in Montana and beyond.
[I love the preceding photo because I’m doing a workshop on suicide in Billings, Montana, and despite the content, the participants are clearly having a good time]
Sometimes people ask me if I have presentations coming up. Other times they ask me about recent presentations. For reasons related to my own inability to be more organized and behave responsibly, I haven’t been very good at inserting “upcoming events” into my schedule, or at sharing links with readers about recent content that’s available online. Today’s post is my effort to address my irresponsibility.
September 11, 2024 – JSF presented a day-long ONLINE workshop, Conducting Parenting Consultations on behalf of Families First. Missoula, MT. Here are the ppts for the Parenting Consultation workshop:
September 26, 2024 – JSF presented a day-long IN-PERSON workshop, Tough Kids, Cool Counseling on behalf of Families First. Missoula, MT.
October 10, 2024 – JSF presented a day-long IN-PERSON workshop, Strengths-Based Suicide Assessment and Treatment on behalf of Tribal Health, Ronan, MT.
October 24, 2024 – JSF did an on-air guest interview on Evidence-Based Happiness for Teachers on a South Korean radio station. https://youtu.be/xYdJOInpAkE
November 6, 2024 – JSF presented on Let’s Pursue Happiness . . . Together (with our children) to the Washington Middle School Parent Teacher Association (PTA)
November 7, 2024 – JSF presented IN-PERSON on Why We Should Be in Pursuit of Eudaimonia (Not “Happiness”) for the University of Montana Alumni Association. Missoula, MT.
UPCOMING ACTIVITIES AND EVENTS
November 13 – JSF is presenting Let’s Pursue Happiness Together [In our schools . . . with our teachers . . . and for our children]ONLINE to the Montana Office of Public Instruction Montana Student Wellness Advisory Committee.
November 14 – JSF is presenting Happiness and You: Methods for Managing Your MoodsIN PERSON at the annual statewide Future Farmers of America (FFA) conference at MSU in Bozeman, MT.
December 4 – JSF is presenting a one-hour workshop on Strengths-Based Integrating Strengths-Based and Traditional (Medical Model) Approaches to Suicide AssessmentONLINE to the Professional Counseling Association of Montana. Link unavailable for now.
December 6 John Sommers-Flanagan is presenting an all-day ONLINE workshop for mental health professionals titled, Tough Kids, Cool Counseling, on behalf of the Vermont Psychological Association. Info is here: https://twinstates.ce21.com/speaker/john-sommersflanagan-2295709
January 10 – JSF is doing a 2-hour ONLINE workshop titled, Strategies for Integrating Traditional and Strengths-Based Approaches to Suicide, through the Cognitive Behavior Institute. You can register here for $25.00: https://www.pathlms.com/cbi/courses/77936#
Someone in one of my classes recently mentioned Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease. This reminded me of my blog post on the topic, which made me realize that I’ve blogged about nearly everything!
Earlier this week, I had an amazing Montana educator tell me, among other things, about how the election results ignited fears for the future of public education. In response, I wrote the following piece. I know it’s a little intellectual, but that’s what you get from a college professor. I’m sharing this with you mostly because I think you’re all amazing Montana educators and want to support you in whatever way I can.
********************
In this moment, I’m aware that while some are celebrating this morning’s election outcome, others are experiencing despair, sadness, anger, betrayal, and fear. After an election like this one, it’s easy to have our thoughts and emotions race toward various crisis scenarios. If that’s what’s happening to you, no doubt, you are not alone.
We all have unique responses to emotional distress. If you feel threatened by the election outcome, you may have impulses toward action that come with your emotions. In stress situations, we often hear about the fight or flight (or freeze) response, but because we’re all complex human beings, fight or flight or freeze is an oversimplification. Although feeling like running, hiding, freezing, or feeling surges of anger are natural and normal, most of the fight or flight research was conducted on rats—male rats in particular. For better and worse, our emotional and behavioral responses to the election outcomes are so much more complex than fight or flight.
As humans we respond to threat in more sophisticated ways. One pattern (derived from studies with female rats) is called tend and befriend. Although these are also simplistic rhyming words, I translate them to mean that if you’re feeling stressed, threatened and fearful, it’s generally good to reach out to others for support and commiseration, to support others, and to gather with safe people in pairs or families or groups.
If you work in a school, I encourage you to be there for each other, regardless of your political views. For now, it will probably feel best to stay close to those with whom you have common beliefs. Eventually, I hope that even those of you with different beliefs can recognize and respect the humanity within each other. The most destructive responses to stress and threat are usually characterized by hate and division. The more we can connect with others who feel safe, the better we can deal with our own rising feelings—feelings that may be destructive or hateful.
Another complex thing about humans is that we can have a therapeutic response to focusing on our pain, grief, anger, and other disturbing emotions. There’s clear evidence that letting ourselves feel those feelings, and talking and writing about them, is important and therapeutic. But, in an odd juxtaposition, it’s also therapeutic to intentionally focus on the positive, to imagine and write about the best possible outcomes in whatever situations we face, and in looking—every day—for that which is inspiring (rather than over-focusing on that which is depressing or annoying). To the extent that you’re feeling distressed, I encourage you, when you can, to take time going down both those roads. That means taking time to experience your difficult and painful feelings, as well as taking time to focus on what you’re doing that’s meaningful in the moment, and whatever positive parts of life you can weave into your life today, tomorrow, and in the future.
My main point is that you are not alone. Many people, right alongside you, are in deep emotional pain over the outcome of the election. As you go through these bumpy times, times that include fears for the future of children, families, education, and communities I hope we can do this together. Because in these moments of despair and pain, we are better together.
Or, as Christopher Peterson said, “Other people matter. And, we are all other people to everyone else.”
You matter and your reactions to this immense life event matters. Please take good care of yourself and your colleagues, friends, and family.
Like it was for many, last night and this morning were rough. Although some people may be celebrating, many are suffering.
One of my default responses to what I view as bad things in the world (including the election of a man who is sexist, racist, a convicted rapist, a multiple felon who recently publicly pantomimed an act of oral sex with a microphone, and who promised revenge to many people as an authoritarian president) is anger. Last night I was pissed and felt hateful . . . all night. Sleep didn’t happen much.
When growing up, my mother had a rule in our house. We could not use the word hate. She insisted. If we felt strongly, we could say, “I dislike that very intensely,” but “hate” was forbidden.
Because I had two smart, kind, and wonderful sisters and two loving parents, I don’t think I really understood that message until the middle of last night. Amongst my many awakenings and rushes of violent thoughts, I felt the hate . . . and then recognized that hate is exactly what the destructive and divisive forces in the world want us to feel.
We have many historical and current names for the great divider. Lucifer and Satan come to mind. I’m not much into traditional religion, but as my hate rose along with the awareness that I am, in part, a victim of someone who is gifted in stoking hate, I couldn’t help but wonder if perhaps this is the demonic. After all, what is the demonic, if not the stoking and spread of hateful thoughts and actions?
Those thoughts gave me pause. Being naturally oppositional, I don’t want to give the divider what he wants. Alternative ideas came into my brain, the main one being, “Love one another.”
Again, I’m not traditionally religious; I’m also not especially naïve. My interpretation of what may have been a “Love one another” spiritual message, is to do the loving with my eyes wide open and an excellent memory.
We all need to be wary, and protect ourselves, our friends, our colleagues, our families Although the labor activist Joe Hill said, “Don’t mourn. Organize,” I think we do need to mourn, grieve, commiserate, AND organize. At the same time, we need to find the right times and places and spaces for love. After all, what is the spiritual, if not the stoking and spread of loving thoughts and actions?
I wish for you, the time and space you need for dealing with your painful emotions as well as the opportunity to build a more positive future, together.
The place to click if you want to learn about psychotherapy, counseling, or whatever John SF is thinking about.
John Sommers-Flanagan 