Not long ago, on This American Life, Bill Kristol, conservative journalist and #NeverTrumper (not to be confused with the comedian Billy Crystal), touted the benefits of having a legitimate contender in the republican primaries. He acknowledged former Massachusetts Governor Bill Weld’s candidacy, but I’m guessing Mr. Kristol was hoping for someone with more firepower, and maybe someone not named Bill. Naturally, after engaging in self-reflection, I immediately concluded that Bill Kristol must be thinking of me.
But why me?
Because watching me dance around Donald “Old Man” Trump in a debate, would be a #NeverTrumper’s fantasy. I’d be floating like helium and stinging like a scorpion. Because I’m a shrink, it would take me an estimated microsecond to get under Trump’s microscopically thin orange skin to reveal his huge—never seen bigger—INSECURITIES.
I’m already practicing a coughing routine; at this point, I automatically cough whenever I hear his voice. Just ask Mick Mulvaney how much Trump likes people coughing while he’s talking. I can see Trump responding to my coughing fit like an old man with uncontrollable tremors.
Speaking of Trump being an old man, I’d casually and repeatedly make note of the fact that I’m younger, stronger, fitter, and a better golfer than he is. Me being a better golfer than Trump might be a lie, but I’d still challenge him to a televised round of golf (if only to have America watch him cheat). I’d also challenge him and his sagging body to be video recorded as we meet with his physician to undergo simultaneous physical exams.
Although it’s probably unnecessary, I’d show off how much BIGGER my IQ score is, first by pointing out that anybody who knows anything about IQs, never says IQ, they always say “IQ score.” Duh, Donald! Then I’d challenge him to a spelling bee, wherein the first word would be “conservative” and the dunce that is the Donald won’t even be able to spell it, let alone act like one. Just in case he’s lucky and gets it right, the second word would be “unprecedented.”
My conservative street cred dwarfs Donald’s. He’s a weak old man who knows more about bankruptcy than he does about balancing budgets. That’s not conservative. During the debate, just before dropping the mic, I’d drop the fact that I’ve never declared bankruptcy, that I don’t live on debt, and that I’ve proportionately made way more money than he has (and I’m way younger than he is and so I’ll just keep on making money and paying taxes for far longer than he’ll be making money and not paying taxes).
Sadly, Trump puts his mental weakness on display daily. That’s not a conservative quality. He can’t resist lashing out at anyone who doesn’t worship his beautiful bleach-blonde hair. Trump insults everyone from Gold Star families to porn stars to people who suffer from mental disabilities. Strong people don’t do that. Real conservatives don’t do that. He’s. Not. Even. Close. To. Conservative.
Growing up I learned of conservative principles of integrity and self-discipline. Conservative people have excellent self-control, and lead by example.
Lead by example? Trump is every parents’ nightmare role model. Can you imagine having an Uncle Donald Trump? You’d be hiding the kids when he came to visit. Who wants to raise a weak-minded bully who cheats on his wife and whose buddies are mostly criminals? Trump’s whole behavioral palette is the antithesis of traditional conservative values. Anybody want to argue that one? Anybody? Kristol?
How about me?
I’m an old-fashioned conservative. I believe in practical solutions to personal, national, and world problems.
I live by conservative values, including honesty, respect for others’ freedoms, and a commitment to fairness and the rule of law. I want a level playing field for everyone, recognizing that for too long the field has been tilted in favor of white, wealthy, and the politically connected. Speaking of playing fields BTW, I played college football, the sport of conservatives. What sport has Trump ever played, besides golf on the taxpayer’s dime?
I’m all about Christian, Jewish, and Eastern religious values. I attend church more often than Donald. My favorite Christian value is “Love thy neighbor as thyself” . . . which is clearly NOT Trump’s favorite Christian value; he doesn’t believe in loving thy neighbor, unless the neighbor happens to be a playboy bunny or porn star.
To the best of my knowledge, which, during our debate, I would quickly point out is better than the best of Donald’s knowledge, Jesus said something about treating children with great care and compassion. Maybe Trump didn’t get the memo about Jesus loving the poor or the story about the Good Samaritan? Maybe he never listened to the voice mail Jesus left for him about not separating children from their parents and putting them in cages. In case the debate audience didn’t get the point, I’d make it clear: cages aren’t Christian, and cages aren’t conservative.
Unlike Trump, I’ve got a plan to reduce abortion rates (hint: it involves education, career opportunities, and libertarian values, not degradation of women and their personal freedoms).
Unlike Trump, I’ve got an environmental plan for an economic stimulus. Even Ronald Reagan knew you couldn’t tax cut the country to prosperity. Believe me, my economic policies would be more sophisticated than giving tax breaks to the wealthy, slapping on tariffs to raise prices for Americans, and pissing off our allies.
Unlike Trump, I’m pro-education. I wouldn’t appoint a wealthy, dull donor who hates education and has never stepped into a public school as my Secretary of Education. I’d follow the guidance of John Adams, a white, Christian, who also happened to be the second U.S. President. President Adams said that when it comes to the education of low income youth, “no expense for this purpose would be thought extravagant.”
Unlike Trump, I’m not racist, I don’t call countries “shitholes” or Tweet weird statements about “pig’s blood” or pitch my tent in white supremacist territory. I think most Americans and conservatives would appreciate a straight-up conversation about racism. We’re not a racist nation, and I’d make that point, and then make it again, and then I’d make it again.
Unlike Trump, I’ve got a foreign policy that involves something other than slumming with dictators. That alone should be a relief to bona fide conservatives. Because I’ll be taking a conservative approach, photo ops in North Korea and off-the-books meetings with Putin will not be part of my presidential foreign policy agenda.
In conclusion, let me say:
“Hey Bill Kristol, if you’re reading this, give me a call. I’m ready to be Trump’s biggest nightmare (next to you, of course). I’m happy to volunteer; it’s an easy job, especially because Trump is so old, weak, feeble, and liberal.”