The link below should take you to the complete set of powerpoint slides for the “Positive Approaches to Parental Influence” presentation last Tuesday at the University of Montana.
Tag Archives: parenting
Missoulian Editorial on Positive Parenting
Hi All.
Here’s a link to the editorial in the Missoulian this morning which is linked to my talk at UM tonight which is linked to the idea that parents can be a positive influence which is linked to pretty much everything.
Indirect Power
Indirect power involves a strategy or process whereby parents obtain compliance through an indirect means. In contrast to direct power, this particular strategy generally doesn’t activate rebellion and therefore power struggles are minimized. Indirect power strategies include some of the most important parenting strategies of all time, as well as a few strategies that are somewhat playful and, some might say, manipulative.
The most important indirect parenting strategy is modeling. If parents don’t want their children to swear, they should avoid swearing (at least in their children’s presence). Children are strongly inclined to model their behavior after their parents’ behavior, especially if they respect their parents. There is scientific truth in the old saying, “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery” (Bandura, Ross, & Ross, 1963; Bandura & Walters, 1963).
Modeling highlights the perpetual 24/7 aspect of parenting. If you tell your child, “Don’t lie,” but then you call in sick so you can go skiing instead of going to work, or sit home on a night when you turned down a social invitation because you were “too busy,” you’re role-modeling the opposite of what you’re preaching. In essence, you’re asking your children to do as you say, but not as you do. And we all know how well that works! Parental behavior is often closely scrutinized by children, even when they don’t let on that they’re watching.
John recalls a particularly uncomfortable situation with his younger daughter when she was four years old. As he hurried on his drive home with her beside him in a child’s seat, they were forced to stop at a railroad crossing. Frustrated, John muttered under his breath a particular four-letter word generally associated with fecal matter. Much to his horror, his sweet 4-year-old instantly picked up the beat, repeatedly letting fly with the dung word until, finally, John came up with the bright idea of correcting her by compounding his mistake: “Oh no sweetheart, you’ve got that wrong. What Daddy really said was, ‘shoot!’ Try saying that, ‘shoot.’” When his daughter finally was able to satisfactorily mutter “shoot” under her breath, John felt a mixed gratification. He had lied to his daughter to stop her from using profanity:). Clearly, this was only a marginal parenting success and one that illustrates the complex burden of parental modeling:(.
The most common forms of indirect power are listed and described in our book, “How to Listen so Parents will Talk and Talk so Parents will Listen.” They include the following:
Table 3.3 Indirect Power Strategies
Modeling
Encouragement
Character feedback
Giving choices
Storytelling
Wagering, racing, and giving audience
And here’s a description of one of these indirect power strategies:
Wagering, Racing, and Giving Audience
These indirect strategies are usually playful. For example, parents might say, “I bet I can eat up my broccoli before you do” (wagering) or “Let’s race and see who can get dressed and ready to go out to the car and to school the fastest” (racing) or “I heard you’re really good at your times tables. How about if you do a set for me and I just watch and listen?” (giving audience).
To be honest, wagering, racing, and giving audience are manipulative ploys. They involve enticing children into compliance using techniques framed as fun and competitive. As a consequence, some parents don’t like these particular parenting strategies.
Nevertheless, these techniques can be useful and are often employed effectively by some parents. For example, as described previously, with children who are slow at dressing themselves, an indirect intervention might involve a competition or race:
Okay, sweetheart, let’s see who can get ready the fastest. I’ll run to my bedroom and see if I can get dressed and ready to go before you’re all dressed. I think I’m the fastest, but you might be. I don’t know. Are you ready? Ready, set, go!
The problem with this form of indirect power is not so much that it’s manipulative (almost everything is manipulative in one way or another), but that it can begin to feel manipulative to children. Consequently, although parents should use positive role-modeling whenever possible, these more playful and manipulative indirect approaches should be used only occasionally.
Grandma’s Rule: An Example of Using Direct Parenting Power and Influence
Direct power is one way parents try to have power and influence. Direct power is simple and straightforward. It involves directly informing children what to do and what not to do. It’s bossy and often manipulative but not necessarily tyrannical. As we all know, it’s possible to have a benevolent boss, someone to look up to as a respected authority. Alternatively, many of us know or have experienced a tyrannical boss. For many reasons, well-established through parenting research and child development, when direct power is needed, parents should enact that power in a wise and benevolent manner—rather than behaving as a controlling tyrant (Baumrind, 1975). A parent we once worked with articulated this practical principle when she told us her philosophy of parenting. She said, “Rules without relationship equals rebellion.”
Direct power can be communicated through voice tone (that extremely firm or even snarling voice), voice loudness (a raised level, even yelling), body posture (standing and pointing), eye contact and facial expression (a hard stare, serious face, or even an unpleasant grimace), and other physical means. Spanking, hitting, and all physical approaches to discipline are classic efforts at exerting direct power. Similarly, when parents use threatening words or verbal abuse with their child, usually they’re trying—somewhat desperately—to directly influence their child’s emotional state or behavior. When things get desperate, verbal efforts to influence children often end up sounding rather absurd. For example, we’ve heard parents saying things like,
- “I’ll give you something to cry about.”
- “I brought you into this world and I can take you out.”
Obviously, yelling, hitting, and verbal abuse are threatening and extreme means of trying to exert parental influence or control and we don’t advice using these approaches.
Grandma’s Rule is an example of a reasonable and relatively effective direct power and influence parenting strategy. This strategy is a language-based intervention that clearly spells out the sequence of desired or required behaviors and optional or reinforcing behaviors. Grandma’s Rule always follows a “When you/then you” format. For example, a parent might say to her child, “When you finish the dishes, then you can call your friends.” Using Grandma’s Rule is a clear and concise way to communicate parental authority by letting the child know exactly what he or she needs to do before engaging in a fun and positively rewarding activity. If you’d like to experience how Grandma’s Rule feels, try this out on yourself: “When you finish reading this blog, then you can check your Facebook account.”
When working with parents who sometimes use ambiguous language with their children, or with parents who are ambivalent about exerting authority, Grandma’s Rule can be very helpful. In particular, parents may need to be coached on avoiding the use of if instead of when. For example, parents who say, “If you do the dishes, then you can call your friends,” convey a sense of uncertainty as to whether their children really will be doing the dishes. Children who have oppositional or defiant tendencies will quickly latch onto the if and begin a debate over whether that behavior will ever occur. Grandma’s Rule always involves using “When you/then you” language.
In the next day or two I’ll be posting a short description of Indirect Power and Influence strategies. All of this material is excerpted or adapted from our book, “How to Listen so Parents will Talk and Talk so Parents will Listen.” You can find it on Amazon at: http://www.amazon.com/How-Listen-Parents-Will-Talk/dp/1118012968
How Parents Influence Children: A Parenting Influence Model
* * * In this short excerpt from “How to Listen so Parents will Talk” we describe a model with four strategies for how parents influence their children. Over the next several days I will include more information about each of these four parental influence strategies. * * *
Although some individuals might suggest that adults always try to control children—and children (especially adolescents) always try to rebel against generational pressure and oppression—we see the world of adult–child relationships through a much rosier lens. In particular, we believe most adults don’t really want to control and oppress children and that most children, though striving for individuation and independence, are not automatically rebellious or oppositional. Instead, we believe most adults want to shape or influence children’s (especially their children’s) thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and most children feel the need to rebel only when their parents slip into an excessively controlling style.
As we move forward with this explanation of the parent influence model (PIM), we’re aware that some professionals and some parents may have negative reactions to the idea of using power or being an authority figure. Nevertheless, our rationale for describing a parent influence model is based on the reality of parent–child power differences. In this regard, we’re in agreement with the sentiment in the following passage by Grosshans & Burton (2008), who stated:
When you become a parent, you take on not only an unprecedented responsibility, but you are immediately imbued with an unparalleled dimension of power in relationship to another human being. Whether you philosophically agree with it, want it, or feel prepared or equipped to exercise it, when you are a parent, you’ve got it. In fact, you are the most powerful person the world to your child, because she depends on you for everything. (p. 17)
Let’s face the reality that parents automatically have power—and focus on how they can use it appropriately, humanely, and respectfully.
Based on the PIM, parents have four power sources (Wood’s, 1996, original social power labels are in parentheses):
1. Direct power (coercion)
2. Problem-solving power (expertness)
3. Indirect power (manipulation)
4. Relationship power (likability)
These power sources are presented in an order such that, if you were to overlay a triangle on this list, direct power would be at the tip and relationship power at the base. This is because relationship power functions as the foundation for all other power and influence approaches or strategies. Tomorrow I’ll begin discussing how parents can use and abuse “direct power” which lies at the tip of the PIM pyramid and work my way down in coming days.
Upcoming Event: Strategies for Influencing Children
Missoula Forum For Children And Youth To Host Parenting Discussion
Oct. 08, 2012
MISSOULA –
University of Montana counseling Associate Professor John Sommers-Flanagan will lead a community conversation titled “Parents are the No. 1 Influence” from 7 to 8:30 p.m. Tuesday, Oct. 16, on the third floor of the University Center. The discussion is presented by the Missoula Forum for Children and Youth in partnership with Missoula Underage Substance Abuse Prevention.
The first of a three-part Community Conversation Series, the discussion will address the importance of parents’ impact on youth. Research indicates that parents are the primary influence on children, including when youth make choices about engaging in risk behavior or experimenting with substance abuse.
“Parenting is a wonderful gift, but it also can be difficult at times,” said Brandee Tyree, MUSAP coordinator with the Missoula Forum for Children and Youth. “John Sommers-Flanagan will give concrete tips on how to influence your child’s behavior for the best. As a community we can support each other as parents, which in return supports our youth in making healthy decisions.”
The event is sponsored by UM, Missoula Indian Center, the Missoulian, St. Patrick Hospital Foundation and Montana Marketing Group. It is free and open to the public, and refreshments will be provided.
The Missoula Forum for Children and Youth and MUSAP work to support and enhance prevention efforts in the community.
For more information call Tyree at 406-721-3000 ext. 1021 or email btyree@co.missoula.mt.us.
General Rules for Getting Your Children to do Chores
The following is an excerpt from “How to Listen so Parents will Talk and Talk so Parents will Listen.”
If asked, most children and teenagers will readily assure you that “chores suck.” To make matters worse, parents don’t appreciate having butler, maid, and custodian responsibilities in addition to their regular parenting duties. This combination of factors helps explain why so many parents come to consultations complaining of their children’s noncompliance with chore requests.
When chores and chore completion are a concern, we typically teach parents about (1) the three-step approach to learning chores; (2) teaming to complete chores; (3) chore menus; and (4) chore contingencies. This problem-solving intervention is especially important because it illustrates how parents can collaboratively and authoritatively work with their children to accomplish family tasks.
The Three-Step Approach
Most children aren’t naturally inclined to do chores and aren’t particularly inclined to do them well. All too often, children will fail at their first assignment to clean the bathroom (or whatever project they’re assigned).
If parents want chore cooperation from their children, the following three steps may be helpful: (1) Demonstrate (by actively teaching) how to do the chore assignment they wish their child to do; (2) do the chore assignment with their child (while providing positive and encouraging comments); and (3) have their child complete the assignment with parental supervision and support. Also, because doing chores is not naturally pleasurable for most children, parents should model how good it feels to get the job done. Finally, parents need to support their child by making positive statements about the child’s performance and staying away from critical comments. Criticizing children when they’re engaging in an already-aversive task is an excellent way to destroy whatever remnants of motivation may still exist. This doesn’t mean parents need to pretend their children have done a fabulous job when they haven’t, but it does mean parents need to look for the positive and communicate in an encouraging way even when performance is less than adequate.
Parent: Getting my eight-year-old to help with chores is sometimes more of a chore than just doing it myself.
Consultant: It sounds like you’d like your daughter’s help around the house, if it wasn’t such a pain.
Parent: Right.
Consultant: May I share a few ideas?
Parent: Go ahead.
Consultant: [After explaining the three-step approach to learning chores, the consultant moves into ideas about keeping chore-related interactions positive:] Since doing chores can be a pain for both you and your daughter, let’s talk about how to make it more pleasant. Some of these ideas may work for you and some may not, but here are a few. First, consider doing chores together while you listen to music she likes. Second, try doing chores for a very short time period during which she can be successful, even five minutes might be fine to start. Third, set it up so that right after the successful five minutes you transition to something fun. This is so she’ll get the idea that you work first and then play and have fun. Fourth, while you’re both working ignore her off-task behavior and pay close and positive attention to her on-task behavior. Fifth, if her performance is disappointing, express that in the most positive way you can. Something like, “Sweetheart, I know you can be better help than you were today,” is enough. Be sure to avoid long lectures about non-helpfulness, because that could act as a reward. [The consultant writes out these ideas so the parent will have a reminder.]
Teaming to Complete Chores
More often than parents prefer, chore completion is suboptimal. We like to think of it as an example of the two-steps-forward-one-step-back phenomenon.
Children may need support and assistance to complete chores adequately. Some children will be slower at developing positive chore habits and others will be adversely affected by their attitude or mood. However, parents are better served if they stay positive and encouraging. It’s especially important to avoid the temptation toward negative character feedback (“Can’t you do anything right?”).
Thinking of chores as a family activity or obligation can help. It’s more motivating when all family members work to accomplish a goal in a particular time period. A friend of ours taught us the following technique:
Okay, we need to clean up and de-clutter the house. Tonight at six-thirty p.m., I’ll set the timer for thirty minutes and, as a family, we’ll all run around cleaning and picking up and putting things away. At the end of our thirty minutes we can order a pizza and a movie and celebrate our clean house.
Many parents will immediately object to the “time-limited family project” technique by stating, “Yeah, we’ve tried that and the kids just sit around and don’t really contribute. Then we end up doing all the work and we’re angry at the kids for loafing.” Of course, consultants should pay attention to this complaint and then try to help the parents reformulate chore activities to promote family success. Part of this reformulation will undoubtedly involve having the parents lower their chore performance expectations and praising or supporting their children for small contributions. It also might involve the natural and logical consequence of the parents eating pizza and watching a movie while the kids eat yesterday’s leftovers and go to bed early.
In situations where children have already learned specific chores but occasionally regress because of a bad mood or a bad day, additional teaming techniques may be useful. For example, a parent might be coached to offer something like the following:
How about I help you out tonight? We’re a family and we should help each other. I can see you’re not in the best of moods and I can relate to that because some days I hate to do chores, too. So, how about for tonight we work together and get this done in half the time?
Or, with teenagers who are high achievers and who maintain an exceptionally busy schedule, rather than completely dispensing with chore assignments, it might be more helpful to frame breaks from regular chore routines as a part of family support. For example,
I know you’re crazy-busy with homework and volleyball this weekend. How about if I take care of your kitchen-cleaning duties tonight and you can help me out sometime when I’m too busy and you’ve got free time?
The purpose of these family-teaming strategies is to help the children understand the underlying message: In this family we all contribute to maintaining the household, and because we’re on the same team we help each other and share the load when we can.
Chore Menus
It’s generally more effective for parents to give their children choices over which chores they’re assigned. For example, if Miguel perpetually is assigned the chore of scooping the dog poop in the backyard, he may eventually feel there’s no opportunity for career advancement (or personal choice) and so he may begin resisting his assignment. Now, if it’s Miguel’s designated dog and he agreed to scoop the poop for 12 years, more complex negotiation strategies may be needed. However, in most cases children experience greater freedom (which they desire) when they at least get to pick their poison (chore). Consequently, we advocate chore menus for children. These menus can be as simple as: “Would you like to empty the dishwasher or collect and take out the garbage?” Or parents may make a master list and let each child sign up for several chores a week.
Chore Contingencies
Some parents vehemently argue that completing chores is part and parcel of being in a family and, therefore, children should do chores without compensation. In contrast, other parents believe chores should be linked to a weekly allowance or some other form of financial remuneration. If you’ve been paying attention to this point, you should anticipate our response to these polar perspectives: We believe both positions are reasonable and recommend a combination approach.
For many families, it works best if some designated chores are expected contributions to family life. These could be chores that are required as a part of daily living (e.g., washing dishes, de-cluttering, dusting, vacuuming, feeding the dog, etc). Other, less frequent chores could be reserved for when children want to make money. Obviously, consultants should work with parents to develop a system that best fits the individual family’s needs and the parents’ values.
Using direct power strategies may be necessary and appropriate when it comes to chore completion. For example, we recommend that parents use Grandma’s Rule (see Chapter 3) to clearly and concisely articulate their expectations that chore completion precedes recreation. A classic example of using Grandma’s rule is:
When you finish unloading the dishwasher and wiping down the kitchen counters, then you can turn on the computer and play some games.
Overall, as we think of chores, we’re reminded of a wise statement a colleague uses when working with mandated client groups. At the beginning of group he announces: “Well, I know we’re all required to be here, but we’re not required to have a bad time. So I hope we can make the best of it.” When parents lead with a good attitude and positive mood in the face of a required task, often children will begin to follow their leaders. This is the essence of role modeling.
The road to getting your chores done in Montana.
Making a Plan to Stop Yelling at the Kids
This is a case example from “How to Listen so Parents will Talk and Talk so Parents will Listen.” It focuses on working with a couple on yelling at the kids.
Case: “I Think She Likes Yelling”
In this case, the consultant is working with a couple to address parenting issues and the mother discloses that she finds herself yelling too often at her two young (ages 6 and 8 years) children.
Mother (Nan): I try very hard not to yell, but I can’t seem to stop myself.
Father (Ed): She does yell a lot. I think sometimes she likes to yell.
Nan: [Gives Ed a blistering glare]
Consultant: Hang on a second. Ed, I know you’re saying what it looks like to you, but I don’t think that captures what it feels like to Nan on the inside. Most parents tell me that yelling happens when they feel desperation. My guess is that Nan doesn’t enjoy yelling, but that sometimes she wants so badly to get the kids to listen that she yells out of desperation and tries to get them to cooperate. It probably doesn’t feel enjoyable. [This is a risky, but necessary, confrontation and reframe.]
Nan: That’s exactly right.
Ed: Okay. You’re probably right. It just looks that way to me sometimes.
Consultant: And as you’ve both said, Nan is with the kids more often, and the parent who’s with the kids more is often the biggest target for defiance. With all that in mind, I’ve got some ideas about how Nan might start feeling a little more control over her yelling and get a little more cooperation from the kids.
Nan: That would be great.
Ed: I agree.
Consultant: Another thing that’s important to remember is that it’s humanly impossible to never feel angry toward our children. Anger is normal and natural. Usually we feel anger when we care deeply about something. Nan, you’ll feel angry again and probably soon, so a big part of this involves making a plan for how to deal with it when it comes up, because it will.
In this case, it was obvious that Nan felt out of control and Ed was feeling a bit smug or superior. The glare that Nan directed toward him when he volunteered his theory about her yelling was blistering. However, rather than drifting into marital conflict, the consultant moved through the conflict using empathy, reframing, and universalization, and by giving both parents new words to describe why Nan was yelling. To do this, she pointed out that yelling is a natural behavior that emanates from desperation and anger, and not from personal enjoyment.
The second key part of this intervention involves helping parents make a new plan.
Consultant: It’s important to remember that you’ll be angry again. You can’t stuff your angry feelings and say and do nothing, so you need a new plan for exactly what you’ll do next time your children misbehave. You can’t just decide to stop yelling. Most of us tried that and it doesn’t work very well. You need to come up with something else to do instead. Does that make sense?
Parents: Yes.
Consultant: Nan, this new and improved plan is all about you and only a little about your children. It should be a plan you feel good about and have a chance of enacting successfully. Your child’s misbehavior may or may not continue. You just need to do something different. What possibilities come to mind for you?
The consultant is using a solution-focused “Do something different” task and, while doing so, can engage one or both parents in a problem-solving process. In particular, the consultant is thinking in the back of her mind about ways Ed might be supportive by being available when Nan calls for his help (like tag-team wrestling). Additionally, this is a time when the consultant might share a brief personal story about how she effectively dealt with yelling (as long as the story is compassionate and joining, not condescending, and offers hope for positive change; see online resources at http://www.familiesfirstmontana.org/ for John’s favorite yelling story).
The third part of this intervention involves making a plan to practice the new plan.
Consultant: Okay. Now you both came up with ideas about what Nan might do to deal with her anger instead of yelling. Having good ideas is important, but ideas won’t magically cause less yelling. It’s really hard to stop yelling. Sometimes that’s because your kids are so used to it that they’ll automatically keep misbehaving until you yell—because that’s the established pattern. Because of that, unless you think it through mentally by imagining exactly what you will do and practice the behavior physically (with a friend or with Ed), you may quickly return to yelling because that’s what you all know best. Which of these new alternatives to yelling could you two practice together?
In this case it will be critical for Ed to support Nan as she experiments with alternatives to yelling. Like many spouses, he will need to be coached on what to say and do. Most importantly, he’ll need to agree to refrain from criticism and to notice and comment on her progress (as long as that’s okay with Nan) because his current attitude is likely contributing to Nan’s anger and yelling. Getting a commitment from Ed should be conducted in a direct and positive manner.
Consultant: Ed, can I be completely straight with you?
Ed: Uh, yeah. Sure.
Consultant: For couples, it’s always easier if both people make changes. I know Nan’s yelling is completely her responsibility. But, at the same time, you have the power to make this situation better or worse. If you just stand back and let Nan sink or swim, in a way, you’ll be contributing to the yelling. If you support her, if you take your share of time with the kids when she needs you, if you tell her you love her and how great she’s doing, you’ll be contributing to the solution. It’s really up to you. Can you step up here?
As with all interventions, the exact wording needs to be your own. Our tone may seem too direct and confrontational. However, if you do brief work with parents, you’ll need to find the right words for talking with parents in a way that engages them in the change process. In fact, we’ve found that parents, especially fathers, appreciate a brief, respectful, and direct approach that acknowledges their power within the family system and challenges them to contribute to a healthier and happier family.
In the end, Ed agreed to take complete responsibility for the kids three times a week so Nan could go to the gym and work out. They also agreed to sharing the bedtime ritual more equally, because being on her own to put the children to bed was annoying Nan. For her part, Nan agreed to develop a monitoring system for her anger and to take a break on her own (if Ed wasn’t home) or to ask Ed to step in and take over the parenting responsibilities. Ed agreed to step in when Nan made the request.
More Than Praise — Other Ways Parents Can Be Positive With Their Children
Exploring the Differences between Praise, Mirroring,
Character Feedback, and Solution-Focused Questions
This is a homework assignment from “How to Talk so Parents will Listen and Listen so Parents will Talk.” More info on the book is at: http://www.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyTitle/productCd-1118012968.html
If you’ve been given this homework assignment, you’re probably already using many good parenting techniques with your child. This assignment will help you refine your parenting approach to intentionally include even more ways of being positive with your child.
Imagine that a father is busy taking care of household chores while he’s parenting his 5-year-old daughter. She’s creating some excellent 5-year-old crayon art and approaches her daddy with a finished product and a beaming smile. Dad looks up and takes a break from his chores to admire his daughter’s artwork. He returns her grin and says one of the following:
- “This is beautiful!” (An example of praise—a form of direct power)
- “Thanks for showing me your drawing. You look very happy with your picture.” (An example of emotional mirroring or encouragement—a form of indirect power)
- “You love doing artwork!” (An example of character feedback—another form of indirect power)
- “How did you manage to create this beautiful drawing?” (An example of a solution-focused question—a form of problem-solving power)
If you can increase your awareness of these different strategies, you’ll feel more capable of being intentional and positive when interacting with your children. The result usually includes fewer power struggles and more positive parent–child relationship dynamics.
Using Praise
Using praise is simple. For example, praise includes statements like: “Great work,” “I’m proud of you,” and “Look at what a good job you’ve done cleaning the bathroom!” When you use praise, you are clearly communicating your expectations and your approval to your child.
Think about how much praise you use with your children. Are you being clear enough with them about what you want and are you letting them know when they’ve done well? As a part of this homework assignment, consider increasing how much you praise your child and then see how your child reacts.
Using Mirroring
Sometimes children don’t have a clear sense of how their behaviors look to others (which can also be true for adults). The purpose of mirroring is to help children see themselves through your eyes. After seeing (or hearing) their reflection, your child becomes more aware of his or her behavior and may choose to make changes.
For now, we recommend that you practice using mirroring only to reflect your child’s positive behaviors. For example, if your daughter has a play date and shares her toys with her friend, you could say, “I noticed you were sharing your toys.” Or if your son got home on time instead of breaking his curfew, you might say, “I noticed you were on time last night.” The hard part about using mirroring is to stay neutral, but staying neutral is important because mirroring allows your children to be the judge of their own behaviors. If you want to be the judge, you can use praise.
Using Character Feedback
Character feedback works well for helping your children see themselves as having positive character traits. For example, you might say, “You’re very honest with us,” or “You can really focus on and get your homework done quickly when you want to,” or “You’re very smart.”
Usually, as parents, instead of using character feedback to focus on our children’s positive qualities, we use it in a very negative way. Examples include: “Can’t you keep your hands to yourself?” “You’re always such a big baby,” and “You never do your homework.”
For your homework assignment, try using character feedback to comment on your children’s positive behaviors, while ignoring the negative. You can even use character feedback to encourage a new behavior—all you have to do is wait for a tiny sign of the new behavior to occur and then make a positive character feedback statement: “You’re really starting to pay attention to keeping your room clean.”
Using Solution-Focused Questions
Problem-focused questions include: “What’s wrong with you?” and “What were you thinking when you hit that other boy at school?” In contrast, solution-focused questions encourage children to focus on what they’re doing well. For example, “How did you manage to get that puzzle together?” “What were you thinking when you decided to share your toy with your friend?” and “What did you do to get yourself home on time?”
Solution-focused questions require us to look for the positive. For practice, try asking your child questions designed to get him or her to think about successes instead of failures. After all, it’s the successes that you want to see repeated. Of course, when you ask these questions, don’t expect your child to answer them well. Instead, your child will most likely say, “Huh? I don’t know.” The point is that you’re focusing on the positive and eventually these questions get your children to focus on the positive as well.
Four Roads to Helping Your Children Develop Positive Self-Esteem
Four Roads to Healthier Self-Esteem
This case and the discussion that follows is excerpted from “How to Listen so Parents will Talk.”
Father: I’m a single dad and so I have the job of two parents. It’s hard, but it’s especially hard because I’m a worrier. My girls don’t have a mom around and so I get obsessed about their self-esteem. What can I do to boost their self-esteem?
Consultant: That’s a great question . . . and a big question. But before we talk about the answer, tell me, what sorts of things are you doing now to build their self-esteem?
Father: I compliment them as much as I can. I praise them. I constantly say “I love you.”
Consultant: Can you give me an example of how you compliment them?
Father: Like last night. The girls were coloring and they kept showing me their pictures and I would say, “That’s beautiful!” and “That’s wonderful!” and “You two are great artists.” Stuff like that.
Consultant: I should say first that I think it’s wonderful that you’re so positive with your daughters. I wish more parents were positive like you.
Father: Thanks, but, uh, what else can I do?
Consultant: You’re great at using praise and compliments and that’s really important, but I’ve got other ideas about how to expand your self-esteem-building repertoire. Can I share a few?
Father: Go for it.
Consultant: Let’s take the coloring and picture-drawing example. You’re giving out praise and compliments, which is very important. But praise and compliments are what we call “external” or “outside-in” strategies. They build your daughters’ self-esteem from the outside in. You’re the outside expert and you tell them they’re great. There are three other things you could add to that. I’ll describe these three options now, but I have a tip sheet that describes them, too.
First, instead of praising and complimenting, sometimes you could use a technique called “mirroring.” Mirroring is more of an “inside-out” technique for building self-esteem. To use mirroring, you should watch your children and mirror their positive feelings back to them. For example, you could say, “You look really happy about your drawing,” or you could ask a question: “What do you like best about your drawing?” By using these mirroring responses, you’re encouraging your children to judge their own drawings. That’s why we call it an inside-out approach, because it draws out your children’s internal feelings and judgments.
Father: Okay. I think I get that, but what if one of my daughters doesn’t like her drawing—or, even worse, what if she says ‘I hate my drawing’?
Consultant: Good questions. You’re so good at praise, your daughters may be depending on you for their compliments. If one daughter can’t think of anything positive, that’s okay. No need to get worried. We all sometimes produce things we don’t like. But you might try several things. You could just reflect back her feelings and see what happens by saying, “I guess you don’t like this drawing so much.” Or you could push her to identify to positives and negatives with a comment like, “Well, I see something about it I like, but I don’t want to go first. So, first you tell me what you like and then I’ll say what I like.” Or, you could help her focus on her next drawing with empathy and encouragement by saying, “Hmmm. You don’t seem too happy with this drawing. Maybe you’ll like your next one better.” The thing that’s important to remember is that false praise or too much praise doesn’t help your children build self-esteem from the inside out. Pretty soon, they’ll recognize that you always say something positive and they might start wondering if you really mean it.
Father: Okay. I get it.
Consultant: That’s mirroring. The key is to draw out or reflect your child’s judgments. It’s even okay to mirror back if she doesn’t like her drawing. This is part of respecting her judgment. If she doesn’t like the drawing, that’s okay, just reflect that back. You can even move a little bit away from mirroring and if you really like her drawing you can disagree with her and say something like, “I see you don’t like your drawing, but here’s what I like about it.”
Father: All right.
Consultant: The next method after praise and mirroring is character feedback. Character feedback is when you say something like, “You’re the kind of girl who loves to draw.” What you’re doing with this method is you’re making a positive behavior into a character trait. Try that out. Think of a character trait that one of your daughters has and put it into the sentence, “You’re the kind of girl who . . .”
Father: My older daughter likes to keep all her school stuff organized. So would I say, “You’re a girl who’s organized”?
Consultant: Sure. Almost anyway you say it is fine. What you’re doing is helping her build positive character traits so she begins seeing herself as an organized person.
Father: How about my other daughter? She’s very disorganized. Do I tell her, “You’re a disorganized girl”? That doesn’t seem like a good idea.
Consultant: Exactly. When we use character feedback, we almost always use it for positive character traits. With your less organized daughter, you might wait for a time when she displays even a tiny bit of organizational skill and then say, “I notice you can really get organized when you want to.” For character feedback, just think of yourself as a mirror that reflects positive behaviors and forms them into character traits. What’s interesting about this is that most parents, including me, tend to watch for our children’s weaknesses and negative qualities and comment on them. For example, lots of parents and teachers see children misbehaving and can’t resist making comments like, “What’s wrong with you? Can’t you keep your hands to yourself?” or “You’re lying again, aren’t you? You need to get over that lying problem.” Basically, when we repeatedly comment on our children’s negative behaviors we help them construct a more negative character. They end up thinking, “I’m the kind of kid who just keeps getting into trouble.” The magic of character feedback is that we can use it to intentionally construct positive character traits. I know it’s manipulative, but it’s being manipulative in a positive way.
Father: That’s interesting. I do have trouble not commenting when my daughters misbehave. Should I ignore misbehavior?
Consultant: Not always. We should just focus most of our attention on our children’s positive behaviors and only a little of our attention on the negative behaviors. Sometimes our children need corrective feedback or input. But if we focus too much on the negative, the negative will tend to grow, because it’s getting so much attention.
Father: Okay. I think I get that. You said you have a handout on this, right?
Consultant: Right. And there’s one last method. The last method is called solution-focused questioning. Here’s an example with your less organized daughter. Let’s say she shows a flash of organizational skill. Then, you could ask something like, “Wow. How did you manage to get your school work all organized?” Be careful to be curious and impressed, but not too surprised. You know how some parents will say things like, “Who are you and what have you done with my child?” as a joke. Well, that’s a funny joke, but it plays on the fact that the child is acting in an unusual way. What we want to communicate is that it’s normal for your daughter to be organized when she wants to and so you’re showing curiosity about how she manages to get organized. Solution-focused questions with children almost always ask them to reflect on how they accomplished something positive. For example, you could say: “How did you manage to be honest and tell the truth in that hard situation?” or “How did you figure out how to get that puzzle together?”
Father: Okay. This one is about focusing on solutions.
Consultant: Right. Let’s try one. What’s something one of your daughters did well this past week?
Father: My organized daughter had a terrible tantrum and then apologized to me.
Consultant: That’s great. What would be a solution-focused question?
Father: Um, how about this? “What were you thinking when you decided to apologize?”
Consultant: Yeah. That’s pretty good. But that might feel like you’re investigating or analyzing her thoughts. I might change it a little and throw in a positive character trait, like, “How did you find the courage to come and apologize to me?” That sends her a message that it takes courage to apologize and as long as you agree with that, it might be a nice way to combine a solution-focused question and a little character feedback.
Father: I like that.
Consultant: I should also say that often when we ask solution-focused questions of children they just shrug their shoulders and say, “I don’t know,” which is perfectly fine. The point is that hopefully we’re building into them a tendency to reflect on how they managed to do something that was positive or successful.
Father: Right. I can imagine my daughter saying “I don’t know.”
Consultant: Now, I know we’ve covered a whole lot of ground in the last few minutes, but parenting can be complicated sometimes.
Father: You’re telling me? I’ve got two daughters and pretty soon they’ll be attracting boys and that will be even worse.
Consultant: Yeah. I guess I don’t need to tell you that parenting is complicated, but what I want to say is that I’ve got this tip sheet for you on praise, mirroring, character feedback, and solution-focused questions and you can take it and just try out the ideas we talked about today that are in this tip sheet. Just practice away and see what happens and we can talk about it more next week.
In this case we see the consultant squeezing lots of nuanced parenting information into a brief time period. This is a very educational approach and most likely to work after the practitioner has established a positive working relationship with parents who are in the action stage of Prochaska and DiClemente’s (2005) transtheoretical model. Even in the action stage, most parents can’t absorb all this information at once, which is why tip sheets and homework assignments can be so important.
Although the methods illustrated (praise, mirroring, character feedback, and solution-focused questions) are fairly complex, most parents intuitively understand the differences. These methods are only partly designed to improve parent–child relationships; they’re also good behavior management and self-efficacy-building techniques and so they can be used with parents who are being either too negative or too positive with their children.
You can find the “How to Listen . . .” book at: http://www.amazon.com/How-Listen-Parents-Will-Talk/dp/1118012968/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1345003465&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+listen+so+parents+will+talk
John Sommers-Flanagan 