Category Archives: Parenting

Parenting, Therapy with Adolescents

The Seven Magic Words for Parents

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Children become adults by practicing. Some of this practicing involves having the right to make choices, even bad and painful choices. For parents who have not learned to back down, we offer the seven magic words. These are words derived from our study of choice theory (Glasser, 1998, 2002). The good news is that by using these words parents can share their thoughts, feelings, and wishes with their children in way that might help a rebellious child hear their viewpoint. The bad news is that after carefully expressing themselves, parents then acknowledge that ultimately, compliance is not mandatory. And there’s even more bad news:  These words aren’t really magic and parents will need more than seven of them to make them work at all.

The seven magic words are a frame for direct, powerful, and noncontrolling communication. They are: “I want you. . . but it’s your choice.” These framing words allow parents to express whatever they want (we encourage positive words) while at the same time acknowledging their child’s power and right to self-determination. By explicitly acknowledging their children’s right to self-determination, parents may reduce their children’s need to prove their independence. Examples of the seven magic words in action include:

  • I want you to stay clean and sober at the party tonight because I love you, and I know if you get caught, you might end up kicked off the basketball team, and also, your dad and I can’t trust you with the car if we know you drink, but of course I know I can’t control you, so it’s your choice.
  • I want you to graduate from high school, go to college, have a great job, and get rich, but whether or not that happens is really up to you.
  • You know I want you to be healthy, eat well, and exercise, but whether you do that is your business. I’ll help you any way I can, but it’s your choice.

As you can see, the magic words are a frame for parents to express their own beliefs and convictions. This technique allows parents to directly express heartfelt feelings, and even describe the consequences they fear, but to then turn the choice back over to the child.

Some parents will be disappointed with the seven magic words. They wish for true magic and true control. Instead, this frame merely offers an opportunity to briefly and succinctly communicate personal and family values directly to children. In many families, one of these values is to acknowledge and honor the children’s individual freedom and ultimate rights to choose how to live their lives.  Most parents want their children to learn how to make responsible, life-enhancing choices.

Go to http://www.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyTitle/productCd-1118012968.html to purchase a copy of “How to Listen so Parents will Talk and Talk so Parents will Listen as an excellent, but belated, holiday gift for someone you love:).

Counseling and Psychotherapy Theory and Practice, Parenting, Personal Reflections, Therapy with Adolescents

Talking with Kids about Trauma and Tragedy

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             All too often, very bad and traumatic things happen in the world. Many of these terrible things find their way into the news. This can be shocking and depressing not only for the people who were directly affected, but also for the general public. We are often repeatedly exposed to words and images that can trigger emotional and behavioral reactions in adults and children. Below is a short list with brief descriptions of how adults can help children deal effectively with traumatic information from the news and other media sources.

TALKING WITH CHILDREN: CONVERSATIONS ABOUT REALITY

The first step in talking with children is always the opposite of talking. LISTEN. Listen for how children have been affected. Listen for what they’ve seen and heard. Listen for their fears and fantasies. Listen for their personal coping strategies and solutions.

It’s important to listen closely, but if you listen too hard for children to talk about trauma, you run the risk of making them think they SHOULD be traumatized. If this happens, then children often will start giving you what they think you want . . . they’ll start talking about trauma. Therefore, a big challenge for adults is to listen in a balanced way.  Don’t spend too much time everyday encouraging children to talk about their deepest fears. If you do, it’s possible that everyone will get more and more scared — including you!

Perhaps the biggest deal when talking with kids about real tragic events, is being able to answer their questions. They may ask you terribly hard questions, like, “Will there be a plane crashing in our neighborhood?” or “Do you think a shooter might come to our school?” or “Will I be safe at home?” or “Teacher, are you scared?”

Children often ask very good and very hard questions. An important guideline for teachers, parents, and counselors is to stay balanced. This means you can admit to being scared — as long as you also admit to being strong. Some children can quickly pick up on false reassurance, which is one reason why I’m not in agreement with Dr. Joyce Brothers who suggested after 9/11 that it was a good time to lie to your children. Instead, I recommend acknowledgement that the world is not always a safe place, but that you’ll do everything you can to be strong and help keep the child or children safe.

With preschoolers, there are some conversational topics that are best to avoid. For example, there’s no need to go into graphic detail about specific injuries, etc.  This is similar to the fact that very young children don’t need to know all the details about sexuality. It’s better to speak generally about violence and destruction. It’s also very important to protect your children from too much exposure to media coverage of violent events.

It’s also important to never forget about focusing on children’s strengths. Listening first provides you with a foundation for giving children feedback about their strengths. Be sure to listen for children’s strengths . . . and then reflect them back. You can also encourage children to tell you about their strengths – including both ways they’ve handled hard things in the past and ways they might handle hard things in the future.

 PLAYING WITH CHILDREN: REENACTMENT, PRETEND PLAY, AND MASTERY

Younger children will typically play out or reenact their traumatic experiences. For preschoolers pretend play will be the dominant way they deal with the trauma of what they’ve seen and heard. Around 9/11 children were likely to build towers and have them knocked down. They also enacted play activities involving airplanes, police, terrorists (or other “evil/bad” people). If they’ve been exposed to images and heard about school shootings you might see some play activities involving guns and death and loss. For the most part, it’s best to just sit back and watch children as they enact these scenes. By allowing them un-directed play time and some nondirective commentary, you’ll be helping them take their first steps toward healing (more information on non-directive play is included on the “Special Time” tip sheet on this blogsite).

On the other hand, sometimes children get stuck in the same repeated play pattern. This more chronic form of play is referred to as post-traumatic play. When children seem genuinely stuck repeating pretend interactions through non-interactive play that provides no apparent gratification, you may need to interact with them in ways that help them get un-stuck. You might want to try these strategies: (a) have the child stand up and take some deep breaths before resuming play; or (b) interact with the child in a way that disrupts the pattern (for example, you might ask, “what would happen if . . . ?”).

Obviously, rigid post-traumatic play patterns indicate a need for professional assistance.

 DRAWING WITH CHILDREN:  CAPTURING THE FEAR ON PAPER

Children’s fears can seem big and intimidating. That’s true for people of any age. Maybe that’s why, for adults and older children, writing about specific fears and trauma can be so helpful. Somehow, writing things down on paper can help to put it in perspective.

Younger children aren’t able to use the written word effectively for personal journaling. That’s where drawing comes in. When children color, draw, paint, or sculpt their fears, the fears become more manageable.

 STORYTELLING STRATEGIES

Storytelling is a very powerful tradition and technique for dealing with many human problems and challenges. Stories can be designed or obtained through published materials. In response to tragedy, it can be helpful for children to hear stories of bravery under difficult or perilous conditions.

If you choose to invent your own stories, be sure to create a story with a main character and a clear beginning, middle, and ending. If you’re comfortable with it, you can even have the children help invent characters and their own stories.

There are many ways to encourage children to make up stories of their own. The advantage of this is that you get to listen for the dynamics of the children’s story and so it provides some assessment information. As a counseling technique, it’s possible to use a pretend radio or television show. You can invite children to be guests on your “show” and interview them about their experience or have them share a story.

 HELPING WITH TRANSITIONS:

Separation anxiety is a common reaction that children have to stressful news or situations. This means children may have trouble saying goodbye to their parents and being left at school or day care. In most cases, it’s best for parents, children, and staff to develop an individualized goodbye and hello routine for drop-offs and pick-ups. These routines will be less necessary as time goes by, but it’s good to have goodbye and hello rituals there when you need them. For example, having a hello and goodbye song, transitional objects, and other objects of comfort can ease the pain of separation.

 HAVING FUN: USING DISTRACTION, HUMOR, AND PLAY TO MOVE PAST TRAUMA

Don’t forget, it’s easy to pay way too much attention to the traumatic news and ignore regular daily play routines. Don’t fall into this trap. It’s good to keep kids active and keep them having fun. It’s good to be prepared with some games, songs, or activities that you can rely on to engage children and help them forget about the bad news for a while.

 LEARNING ACTIVITIES: MASTERY THROUGH EDUCATION, SAFETY, AND SERVICE

Not only does life go on after a trauma; it’s important for life to keep getting better. Ways to move forward include (a) continuing with educational, skill-building, and stress management activities, (b) promoting safety strategies and skills, and (c) involving children in basic service activities . . . possibly even service activities that include teaching other children strategies for coping with trauma or difficult situations.

 GET HELP AS NEEDED

It’s a sign of strength to get help when it’s needed. You may notice specific reactions or experiences in children or yourself that indicate it’s time to for professional assistance. Some of the primary symptoms of trauma and vicarious trauma that can develop in these situations include the following:

  • Repetitive and intrusive thoughts and images.
  • Sleep problems: Insomnia, nightmares, and night terrors.
  • Separation Anxiety and clingy-ness.
  • Specific fears/phobias.
  • Hypervigilence.
  • Regression.

 SELF CARE NOW AND INTO THE FUTURE

Remember to take good care of yourself so you can be of greater help for others. This could involve many different activities including vigorous exercise, maintaining healthy eating and sleeping routines, and scheduling time for social contact and social support.

This Tip Sheet was written by John Sommers-Flanagan, Ph.D., professor of Counselor Education at the University of Montana.

Parenting

Backward Behavior Modification

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Understanding backward behavior modification is very important for parents and for professionals who work with parents. In the following short excerpt from our book, “How to Listen So Parents will Talk and Talk so Parents will Listen” we introduce the concept. If you have an opinion about this concept, be sure to comment and share your perspective.

Backward Behavior Modification: Using Boring, Natural, and Logical Consequences and Passionate and Surprise Rewards

As we alluded to in Chapter 4, backward behavior modification is endemic. Not only do parents tend to pay more attention to negative and undesirable behaviors than they do to positive and desirable behaviors, they also tend to do so with greater force or affect—which further complicates the situation. As noted previously, we learned about this complicated problem directly from teenagers who were in trouble for delinquent behaviors (see Chapter 4).

If parents engage in too much anger, yelling, or passion when their children misbehave, several problems can emerge: (1) The child will experience her parent’s passion as reinforcement for misbehavior; (2) the child will feel powerful and in-control of her parent (which is quite strong positive reinforcement); or (3) the parent will feel controlled by the child, or out-of-control, both of which further escalate the parent’s emotional behavior.

To address backward behavior modification problems, we teach parents how to use “Boring Consequences and Passionate Rewards.” The opening case in Chapter 1 is an example of the power of boring consequences. If you recall, the parents of Emma, a very oppositional nine-year-old, reported their “family was about to disintegrate” because of continuous power struggles. However, when they returned for their second consultation session, their family situation had transformed largely as a function of boring consequences. In Chapter 1, we quoted the father’s report on how he found boring consequences to be tremendously helpful. Emma’s mother was similarly positive:

Thinking about and then giving boring consequences helped us see that it was about us and not about our daughter. Before, she would misbehave and we would know she was going to misbehave and so we would go ballistic. Giving boring consequences suddenly gave us back our control over how we reacted to her. Instead of planning to go ballistic, it helped us see that going ballistic wasn’t helping her and wasn’t helping us. It felt good to plan to be boring instead. And the best thing about it was how it made the whole process of giving out consequences much shorter.

The inverse alternative to boring consequences is the practice of passionate rewards. Parents can be encouraged to intentionally pay positive and enthusiastic attention to their children’s positive, desirable, and prosocial behaviors. Passionate rewards include parental responses such as:

  • Applause or positive hoots and hollers
  • Verbal praise (“I am so impressed with your dedication to learning Spanish”)
  • Pats on the back, shoulder massages, and hugs
  • Family gatherings where everyone dishes out compliments

Passionate rewards are especially important for preadolescent children. As you may suspect, because of increased self-consciousness accompanying adolescence, passionate hugs and excessive compliments for a 14-year-old may function as a punishment rather than a reinforcement—especially if the hugging and hooting occurs in front of the 14-year-old’s peers.

Surprise rewards, presuming they’re provided in a socially tactful manner, are extremely powerful reinforcers for children of all ages. For example, with teenagers it can be very rewarding if parents suddenly and without advance notice say something like, “You know, you’ve been working hard and you’ve been so darn helpful that this weekend we’d like to give you a complete vacation from all your household chores or this $20 bill to go out to the movie of your choice with your buddies; which would you prefer?”

Surprise rewards are, in technical behavioral lingo, variable-ratio reinforcements. Across species, this reinforcement schedule has been shown to be the most powerful reinforcement schedule of all. Everyday examples of variable-ratio reinforcement schedules include gambling, golf, fishing, and other highly addictive behaviors where individuals can never be certain when their next response might result in the “jackpot.”

When coaching parents to use surprise rewards (variable-ratio reinforcement schedules), we emphasize that the surprise reward should be viewed as a spontaneous celebration of desirable behavior. Overall, we prefer this informal reinforcement plan over more mechanized sticker charts and reward systems (although we don’t mean to say that these more mechanized systems should never be used; in fact, when children are put in charge of their own reinforcement systems, these systems can be especially effective).

Parenting

Why Dear Abby’s Parenting Advice is so Limited

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In the preceding weeks I’ve been posting about the 4 primary ways parents can influence their children. Today, we look at the application of what we refer to as the “Parent Influence Model.” More information on this model and how to use it to improve parenting strategies is in the book, “How to Listen so Parents will Talk. . .” by two of my favorite authors. The following is an adapted excerpt.

Many cultures focus excessively on using direct power to get children to comply with parental authority, and our dominant American culture is certainly among them.  This may be in part because of the powerful influence of behavioral psychology and partly due to a historical white-European devaluing of children identified by some authors.  Fortunately, the Parenting Influence Model (PIM) provides parents with effective alternatives to simply using direct power over and over again.

As an American icon, “Dear Abby” regularly provides guidance for parents who face specific parenting challenges. However, for better or worse, Abby usually offers advice based almost exclusively on direct power. While you read through the following summary of a Dear Abby column, consider the PIM. In particular, think about which indirect, problem-solving, and relationship power strategies you might suggest for the parenting dilemma described in this column:

In her February 17, 2009 column, Abby responded to a letter written by a mother described as Tanya of North Lima, Ohio. Tanya described a challenging situation with her nine-year-old son. She reported that he refused or made excuses when asked to take a shower after his wrestling practice and that she was at her “wits’ end.” She noted other personal hygiene problems, including difficulty getting him to brush his teeth and change his underwear. She ended her letter with a plea: “Please give me some advice.”

Abby responded with clear and direct guidance. She instructed Tanya to:

  1. Establish rules and enforce them.
  2. Consider asking the wrestling coach to “impress upon him the importance of personal hygiene.”
  3. Refuse to serve the son dinner until he has showered.
  4. Require him to “brush his teeth before coming to the breakfast table.”
  5. If the problem continues for over six months, consider a consultation with a “child psychologist.”

The problem that Tanya of Ohio presented to Abby was typical. Tanya has an agenda and she wants her child to comply with her agenda. She has tried direct power strategies, failed miserably, but is still unable to think outside the direct-power paradigm. For example, she states: “I tell him to take a shower,” “I have had to personally bathe him,” and “I don’t know what to do to get him . . . .” Each of these phrases articulates at least two things: (1) she has taken on the primary responsibility for her son’s hygiene (and so he is free to not care much at all about hygiene; we refer to this as problem polarization and discuss it at length later); and (2) she is focused, as far as we can tell, exclusively on direct power strategies.

Using the PIM as a guide, in an educational or therapeutic setting, the first step would be for the parenting professional to model an attitude reflected in the short phrase, developed by Linda Braun of Families First Boston: “Get curious, not furious.” The professional would empathize with the parent’s frustration (“It is hard when your nine-year-old smells bad!”) while gently exploring the roots of the problem (“What do you suppose is going on that makes it so your son really doesn’t seem to care about showering and brushing his teeth?”), and gathering concrete information about exactly what the parent has tried and how it has worked. In the end, the professional might provide the parent with a collaboratively generated list of parenting strategies. For Tanya and her son, the list would likely, but not inevitably, include an individualized combination of the following:

  • Mutual problem-solving
  • Solution questions
  • Character feedback
  • Giving choices
  • Asset flooding
  • Expressing anger and disappointment

In contrast, as Abby articulated so well, our popular cultural advice for parents who face problem child behavior is something like:

You need to force that boy to comply with your parental authority.

Abby’s solution advocates parental over-control: She recommended withholding food. She recommended usurping the boy’s privacy by consulting with his wrestling coach (apparently behind the boy’s back). She didn’t seem to understand the powerful force of encouragement—or even positive reinforcement. Although the mom may win this battle using direct power, her withdrawals from her joint emotional bank account with her son may be immense. Their relationship will suffer and their conflicts may continue to grow.  Eventually, the mom’s power-plays may become significantly less effective as he heads into his teenage years.

In contrast to Abby’s approach, many parenting book authors acknowledge the need for parents to have a wide range of skills and strategies for parenting well. As an example, Fields and Brown (2010) described this need for multiple strategies for parents of toddlers:

You can’t make a kid eat, sleep, or poop on the potty. Yes, toddlers have a will all of their own—and if they don’t want to do any of the above, darn it, that’s the way it is. Nope, you have to come well-armed with a series of clever strategies and tricks to work some magic. (p. 6)

Overall, the PIM can help you become more aware of specific influence strategies parents are using in their daily lives. You can then use this awareness to help parents expand their influence repertoire, and hopefully help parents become more successful in really getting what they want: being and becoming a positive and guiding influence in their children’s lives.

Parenting

Relationship Power as a Strategy for Influencing Children

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For the past several weeks I’ve been posting about different strategies parents can use to exert a positive influence on their children. Today’s focus is on the grandaddy or grandmommy of all forms of parental influence–we refer to this as RELATIONSHIP POWER!

Relationship power is the foundation of all parental power. Having a high-quality, respectful parent–child relationship is the fuel that naturally drives children to want to please their parents.  However, there is a serious problem associated with creating and sustaining relationship power.

In the 21st century, perhaps more than previously, parents have tended to overemphasize the “friendship” dimension between parents and children (Grosshans & Burton, 2008). The worst consequence of this friendship-oriented parent–child relationship is that sometimes parents hesitate to set limits on their children’s behavior, fearing they’ll not be “liked” by their children. Although wanting our children to like us is a perfectly natural impulse, it can become problematic if parents become frozen and unable or unwilling to set limits due to fears of rejection. When this happens, a very destructive pattern can emerge. This pattern is characterized by an imbalance of parent–child power. Unfortunately, often the consequence of this pattern is a child who is too free and too much in charge and a parent who feels impotent and disrespected. In extreme situations, the parent–child power relationship and the roles associated with that relationship are so twisted that the parent may begin inappropriately involving his or her child or children in adult matters, adult relationships, and even adult partying, including exposure to many adult issues and problems (e.g., sexual information or relationships and/or substance use).

The parent–child relationship that works best is characterized by respect, interest, caring, love, and kindness. It is not an egalitarian relationship between peers, but it is a central and all-encompassing relationship that entails love, sacrifice, and the willingness to be there, no matter what. Call us idealists, but we believe this is the foundation upon which parental authority and influence should be built.

Stephen Covey articulated the foundational quality of relationship when he discussed the relationship bank account, both in his book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People (Covey, 1990), and online. In the following excerpt from his homepage, he discussed the concept of the emotional bank account as a means of rebuilding trust—and rebuilding trust can be especially relevant for parents of teenagers. The concept is equally important with regard to building and maintaining trust and respect. Here’s what Covey says on his website:

Examine your Emotional Bank Account with this person; it’s most likely strained because of withdrawals. Make a commitment to start making deposits that matter most to that person, and do it. Little by little, even with small deposits, you will find that the account will grow. It may take time. But over time you will find the cumulative effect of the deposits. Slowly, depending on the severity of the broken trust, you can find trust being rebuilt and restored, and a new relationship will be born. Of course, this also depends on the other person, but you can choose to do your part regardless of the other person—to focus on your circle of influence. And you will find some peace, knowing that you’ve done your part. (http://www.stephencovey.com/blog/?tag=emotional-bank-account; accessed February 18, 2009)

Like modeling, relationship power is part of the 24/7 parenting role. Consequently, relationship power activities can and should be integrated into the parent–child relationship on a daily basis. Tomorrow or on Tuesday I’ll be posting a story or example of relationship power. In the meantime, you can always check out the “How to Listen so Parents will Talk” book at: http://www.amazon.com/How-Listen-Parents-Will-Talk/dp/1118012968/ref=cm_cr_pr_pb_i

Here’s what a recent spontaneous reviewer just posted about the book on Amazon “This book is an informative, easy-to-read guide to the specific intricacies involved in counseling parents. It is useful for both trainees and seasoned clinicians.” Cool.

 

Parenting

How Parents Can Use Problem-Solving Power

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Problem-solving power refers to a group of parent influence strategies designed to activate, within children or teenagers, a problem-solving or solution-focused mental state. This strategy is best illustrated with an example:

Sonya is busy at her laptop reading an online newspaper while her 6-year-old son plays in the living room. She notices her son working hard on a small puzzle and after he gets a piece into place, she says: “How did you figure out where that piece went?” Her son looks up and replies, “I don’t know. It just fit there.”

This interaction may seem trivial, but the mother, whether she knows it or not, is using problem-solving power to encourage her son to reflect on how he’s getting his puzzle together. This particular approach is based on constructive or solution-focused principles. The underlying belief is that the more we can get our children thinking about how to solve problems, the better they’ll become at problem-solving.  Further we are helping them become more optimistic, focusing on solutions and successes instead of pessimistically focusing on failures and problems.

The polar opposite of problem-solving power occurs when parents, in frustration, ask their child something like, “What’s wrong with you?” or after a sequence of misbehavior, “What were you thinking!?” When parents ask these problem-oriented questions, it encourages children to focus on their failures, what’s wrong with them, or on their negative thoughts and behaviors.

Just like solution-focused therapy, problem-solving power is indirect and leading (Murphy, 2008; Steenbarger, 2004). It’s also something we have to train ourselves to do.  For some reason, it seems more natural to ignore our children when they are behaving, and to give them attention when they are not.  Many parents remain silent and even detached while children play quietly (savoring the silence). This, of course, is the equivalent of ignoring good behavior, which we know from our basic behavioral principles is a great way to extinguish behavior.

The most common forms of problem-solving power are listed in the “How to Listen so Parents will Talk book (see: http://www.amazon.com/How-Listen-Parents-Will-Talk/dp/1118012968/ref=la_B0030LK6NM_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1351053762&sr=1-5)

Here’s one example of a problem-solving power strategy.

Child-Generated Rules

As noted in the “How to Listen. . .” book, parent-generated family rules are an example of direct power. In contrast, when using problem-solving power, parents try to hook their children into generating rules themselves. Interestingly, as family members discuss what they want for themselves and for the family, children often become motivated to contribute to very positive and reasonable family rules. Many authors have written about family meetings or the family council (Croake, 1983; Dreikurs, Gould, & Corsini, 1974).

Problem-solving power is an excellent way to help children reflect on and contribute to family solutions. It’s a method for helping children learn solutions and rules from the inside out—instead of the external or outside-in behavioral approach. Problem-solving power can be used liberally but sometimes parents need to take charge and solve family problems themselves. This is especially true with younger children. As family therapist Carl Whitaker once said (we’re paraphrasing), “Two-year-olds cannot take over leadership within a family unless they’re standing on the shoulders of a parent.” In the end, things go better if parents are the primary leaders in the home who not only allow their children to voice opinions, but also engage their children in the family problem-solving process.

Parenting

Indirect Power

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Indirect power involves a strategy or process whereby parents obtain compliance through an indirect means. In contrast to direct power, this particular strategy generally doesn’t activate rebellion and therefore power struggles are minimized. Indirect power strategies include some of the most important parenting strategies of all time, as well as a few strategies that are somewhat playful and, some might say, manipulative.

The most important indirect parenting strategy is modeling. If parents don’t want their children to swear, they should avoid swearing (at least in their children’s presence). Children are strongly inclined to model their behavior after their parents’ behavior, especially if they respect their parents. There is scientific truth in the old saying, “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery” (Bandura, Ross, & Ross, 1963; Bandura & Walters, 1963).

Modeling highlights the perpetual 24/7 aspect of parenting. If you tell your child, “Don’t lie,” but then you call in sick so you can go skiing instead of going to work, or sit home on a night when you turned down a social invitation because you were “too busy,” you’re role-modeling the opposite of what you’re preaching. In essence, you’re asking your children to do as you say, but not as you do. And we all know how well that works! Parental behavior is often closely scrutinized by children, even when they don’t let on that they’re watching.

John recalls a particularly uncomfortable situation with his younger daughter when she was four years old. As he hurried on his drive home with her beside him in a child’s seat, they were forced to stop at a railroad crossing. Frustrated, John muttered under his breath a particular four-letter word generally associated with fecal matter. Much to his horror, his sweet 4-year-old instantly picked up the beat, repeatedly letting fly with the dung word until, finally, John came up with the bright idea of correcting her by compounding his mistake: “Oh no sweetheart, you’ve got that wrong. What Daddy really said was, ‘shoot!’ Try saying that, ‘shoot.’” When his daughter finally was able to satisfactorily mutter “shoot” under her breath, John felt a mixed gratification. He had lied to his daughter to stop her from using profanity:). Clearly, this was only a marginal parenting success and one that illustrates the complex burden of parental modeling:(.

The most common forms of indirect power are listed and described in our book, “How to Listen so Parents will Talk and Talk so Parents will Listen.” They include the following:

Table 3.3 Indirect Power Strategies

Modeling

Encouragement

Character feedback

Giving choices

Storytelling

Wagering, racing, and giving audience

And here’s a description of one of these indirect power strategies:

Wagering, Racing, and Giving Audience

These indirect strategies are usually playful. For example, parents might say, “I bet I can eat up my broccoli before you do” (wagering) or “Let’s race and see who can get dressed and ready to go out to the car and to school the fastest” (racing) or “I heard you’re really good at your times tables. How about if you do a set for me and I just watch and listen?” (giving audience).

To be honest, wagering, racing, and giving audience are manipulative ploys. They involve enticing children into compliance using techniques framed as fun and competitive. As a consequence, some parents don’t like these particular parenting strategies.

Nevertheless, these techniques can be useful and are often employed effectively by some parents. For example, as described previously, with children who are slow at dressing themselves, an indirect intervention might involve a competition or race:

Okay, sweetheart, let’s see who can get ready the fastest. I’ll run to my bedroom and see if I can get dressed and ready to go before you’re all dressed. I think I’m the fastest, but you might be. I don’t know. Are you ready? Ready, set, go!

The problem with this form of indirect power is not so much that it’s manipulative (almost everything is manipulative in one way or another), but that it can begin to feel manipulative to children. Consequently, although parents should use positive role-modeling whenever possible, these more playful and manipulative indirect approaches should be used only occasionally.

Parenting

Grandma’s Rule: An Example of Using Direct Parenting Power and Influence

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Direct power is one way parents try to have power and influence. Direct power is simple and straightforward. It involves directly informing children what to do and what not to do. It’s bossy and often manipulative but not necessarily tyrannical. As we all know, it’s possible to have a benevolent boss, someone to look up to as a respected authority. Alternatively, many of us know or have experienced a tyrannical boss. For many reasons, well-established through parenting research and child development, when direct power is needed, parents should enact that power in a wise and benevolent manner—rather than behaving as a controlling tyrant (Baumrind, 1975). A parent we once worked with articulated this practical principle when she told us her philosophy of parenting. She said, “Rules without relationship equals rebellion.”

Direct power can be communicated through voice tone (that extremely firm or even snarling voice), voice loudness (a raised level, even yelling), body posture (standing and pointing), eye contact and facial expression (a hard stare, serious face, or even an unpleasant grimace), and other physical means. Spanking, hitting, and all physical approaches to discipline are classic efforts at exerting direct power. Similarly, when parents use threatening words or verbal abuse with their child, usually they’re trying—somewhat desperately—to directly influence their child’s emotional state or behavior.  When things get desperate, verbal efforts to influence children often end up sounding rather absurd. For example, we’ve heard parents saying things like,

  • “I’ll give you something to cry about.”
  • “I brought you into this world and I can take you out.”

Obviously, yelling, hitting, and verbal abuse are threatening and extreme means of trying to exert parental influence or control and we don’t advice using these approaches.

Grandma’s Rule is an example of a reasonable and relatively effective direct power and influence parenting strategy. This strategy is a language-based intervention that clearly spells out the sequence of desired or required behaviors and optional or reinforcing behaviors. Grandma’s Rule always follows a “When you/then you” format. For example, a parent might say to her child, “When you finish the dishes, then you can call your friends.” Using Grandma’s Rule is a clear and concise way to communicate parental authority by letting the child know exactly what he or she needs to do before engaging in a fun and positively rewarding activity. If you’d like to experience how Grandma’s Rule feels, try this out on yourself: “When you finish reading this blog, then you can check your Facebook account.”

When working with parents who sometimes use ambiguous language with their children, or with parents who are ambivalent about exerting authority, Grandma’s Rule can be very helpful. In particular, parents may need to be coached on avoiding the use of if instead of when.  For example, parents who say, “If you do the dishes, then you can call your friends,” convey a sense of uncertainty as to whether their children really will be doing the dishes. Children who have oppositional or defiant tendencies will quickly latch onto the if and begin a debate over whether that behavior will ever occur. Grandma’s Rule always involves using “When you/then you” language.

In the next day or two I’ll be posting a short description of Indirect Power and Influence strategies. All of this material is excerpted or adapted from our book, “How to Listen so Parents will Talk and Talk so Parents will Listen.” You can find it on Amazon at: http://www.amazon.com/How-Listen-Parents-Will-Talk/dp/1118012968