On this weekend, when there is so much wrong in the world, it may be more important than ever for us to gather in small groups, pause, focus on what’s right and good, and express gratitude. 

How’s that going? Are you feeling the gratitude?

Often, focusing on what’s right, on good things, and on strengths and solutions, takes effort. It’s not easy to orient our brains to what’s right, even in the best of times.

As negativity rains down on and around us through news and social media, it’s easy to get judgy. And when I say “judgy” I don’t mean judgy in a nice, positive, “I love your shoes” or “You have such creative views on immigrants” sort of way. Shifting our brains from their natural focus on angst and anger to gratitude feels difficult and sometimes impossible.

First Toast: Let’s hear it for the forces outside and inside ourselves that make it REALLY DIFFICULT to FEEL gratitude, hope, and positivity.

[Editor’s note: When I’m suggesting we push ourselves to experience gratitude and focus on strengths, I’m not endorsing toxic positivity. Sometimes we all need to rant, rave, complain, and roll around in the shit. If that’s what you need, you should find the time, place, and space to do just that. What I’m suggesting here is that opening yourself up to experiencing gratitude and focusing on strengths and solutions is like a muscle. If we intentionally give it a workout, it can get stronger. But, if you’re not ready for or interested in a positivity workout, don’t do it!]

Second Toast: How about some cheer for the EFFORT it takes to push ourselves to focus on gratitude, hope, strengths, and solutions—because that’s how we grow them. Woohoo!

Earlier this year, I attended a medical conference where the presenter did an exquisite job describing the “problem-solving model.” Having taught about problem-solving for three decades, my mind wandered, until the presenter—who was excellent by the way—passionately stated, “Before moving forward, before doing anything, we need to define the problem!”

Maybe it was just me being oppositional, but my wandering mind suddenly became woke and whispered something sweet in my inner ear, like, “This might be bullshit.”

I found myself face-to-face with the BIG problem with problem-solving.

You may be wondering, “What is the BIG problem with problem-solving?” Thanks for wondering. The problem includes:

• As my colleague Tammy says, maybe we don’t need to gather round and worship the problem.
• When we drill deeper and more meticulously into what’s wrong, we can grow the problem.
• As social constructivist theorists would say, “When we center the problem in our collective psyches,” we give it mass, and make it more difficult to change.

What if, instead of relentlessly focusing on the problem, we decided to only discuss what’s going well and possible solutions? What if we decided to grow and celebrate good things?

Adopting a mental set to persistently focus on strengths and solutions is not a new idea. Back in the 1980s, Insoo Kim Berg and Stephen de Shazer pushed as, “Solution-focused brief therapy” (SFBT).

At the time, I found their ideas interesting, but not captivating. One of my friends and a champion for all things strengths-focused (you know who you are Jana), knew the famous Insoo Kim Berg. Once, as Jana and I brainstormed, the possibility of consulting with Insoo came up. Jana said something like, “I could reach out to her, but if we frame this as a problem, Insoo might not even understand what we’re talking about. Insoo only speaks the language of solutions.”

Third Toast: Let’s toast Jana and Insoo Kim Berg for inspiring me to suddenly remember a conversation from 25 years ago. 

The language of problems has deep roots in our psyche. Of course it does. Evolutionary psychology people would say we had to notice and orient toward problems to survive, and so we passed problem-focused genes onto offspring. As our brains evolved, they became excellent at identifying problems, because if we didn’t quickly identify problems, threats, or danger, we would be dead.

[Editor’s note: In contrast to biological evolution theory, evolutionary psychology is incredibly fun, but not very scientific. I know I’m supposed to be orienting myself to the positive right now, but evolutionary psychology mostly involves creating contemporary explanations for observed patterns from the past. As you can imagine, it’s quite entertaining and easy to make up fascinating explanations for human behavior, especially if you don’t need to reconcile your creative ideas with anything resembling fossilized evidence.]

Fourth Toast: Hat’s off and glasses up to evolutionary psychology for aptly demonstrating the power of social constructionism. Boom!

Most of us are naturally well-versed in the language of problems. We see them. We expect them. Even when no problems are present, we worry they’re coming. And they are. Problems and catastrophes are always on their way.

But most of us are not especially well-versed in Insoo Kim Berg’s language of strengths and solutions. Becoming linguistically fluent in strengths and solutions requires effort, discipline, and practice. How could it be any other way? If we WANT to speak the language of the positive, we need to learn and practice it; immersion experiences can be especially helpful.

As our collective gratitude weekend ends, we might benefit from committing ourselves to practicing the language of the positive. We could strive to become so linguistically positive that, at night, we begin dreaming in solution-focused, strengths-based language.

Fifth Toast: Let’s raise our glasses to dreaming in bright, colorful strengths.

We shouldn’t forget our old, natural, first language of problems. Problem-focused language is essential to survival and progress. We just need to stretch ourselves and become bilingual. Imagine the benefits for individuals, families, communities, and nations when we become intentionally bilingual, moving beyond the problem saturated language of our times, and into a solution-saturated future.

Last Toast: Three cheers to you, for making it to the end of this blog. May you have a glorious gratitude-filled holiday weekend. 

John SF