Rylee said there was an internet thing going around about how men should be more like women and start complimenting each other. Then we watched “Rye Lane” (two thumbs up). In the movie, the protagonist male tried out that compliment-another-guy thing; the guy he complimented told him to “Fuck off” and a few other things I won’t repeat.

Maybe compliments don’t translate all that well across genders. But maybe they do.

Years ago, I was doing psychotherapy with a Native American father and his teenage son. To try to help with their strained relationship, I coached the dad on being more authentically positive with his son. During the next session, I had them do a version of the “What’s good about you?” therapy activity.

I asked the son to sit across from his dad and ask, “What’s good about me?” ten times in a row. The only rules were that dad was supposed to give 10 different answers and respond honestly. The boy muttered along with an eye-roll. I felt nervous.

He looked at his dad and asked, “What’s good about me?”

The dad said, “You have a big heart.”

What’s good about me?

“You treat your mom with respect.”

What’s good about me?

“You love your sister.”

What’s good about me?

“You’re my son and I’m proud of you.”

The tears came slowly at first.

What’s good about me?

“You are intelligent”

It was over. They embraced, with the boy sobbing in his father’s arms.

The points: Parents can get so overfocused on providing constructive criticism to their children that their children don’t KNOW the inner strengths their parents see within them. In the preceding example, the teen boy was shocked—in a very positive way—to hear the strengths, skills, and talents that his father saw in him.

This can happen in all relationships. Nearly everyone wants to be seen and known. It’s probably easier to imagine—especially without clear and reassuring evidence—that others see our negative qualities. Our strengths can feel invisible, even to ourselves. It’s often hard to imagine that others notice anything good about us.

Some say that true self-esteem is all about self-evaluation, and not reliant on what others think of us. That’s partly true. But, it’s ridiculous to think that any of us can feel good about ourselves without at least getting occasional feedback about our strengths and positive qualities.

One new thing you can try this holiday season is to give the people you love the gift of seeing their strengths. It can be as simple as noticing and saying something that you think your friend or family member does well, like, “You’re really good at picking out just the right gifts.” Or, “You’re always so much fun to have around.” Or, “You make the best pumpkin pie.”

You can take this deeper if you want by noticing character traits and patterns. “You’re the most honest person I know, and I really value that.” “I love how you pay attention to your grandma. You are such a good person.”

Recognizing and naming the strengths and positive qualities of others is an amazing gift. You’re not just “seeing” people, you’re seeing, acknowledging, and articulating their best qualities. And by naming their best qualities, you’re not just giving them a compliment; you’re nurturing those qualities, and helping them grow.

I’ve taught a different version of this activity for years, and called it the “Natural Talent Interview.” For more on the Natural Talent Interview, which is this week’s Montana Happiness Challenge activity, go to the Montana Happiness Project’s webpage: https://montanahappinessproject.com/natural-talent-interviews