Like it was for many, last night and this morning were rough. Although some people may be celebrating, many are suffering.
One of my default responses to what I view as bad things in the world (including the election of a man who is sexist, racist, a convicted rapist, a multiple felon who recently publicly pantomimed an act of oral sex with a microphone, and who promised revenge to many people as an authoritarian president) is anger. Last night I was pissed and felt hateful . . . all night. Sleep didn’t happen much.
When growing up, my mother had a rule in our house. We could not use the word hate. She insisted. If we felt strongly, we could say, “I dislike that very intensely,” but “hate” was forbidden.
Because I had two smart, kind, and wonderful sisters and two loving parents, I don’t think I really understood that message until the middle of last night. Amongst my many awakenings and rushes of violent thoughts, I felt the hate . . . and then recognized that hate is exactly what the destructive and divisive forces in the world want us to feel.
We have many historical and current names for the great divider. Lucifer and Satan come to mind. I’m not much into traditional religion, but as my hate rose along with the awareness that I am, in part, a victim of someone who is gifted in stoking hate, I couldn’t help but wonder if perhaps this is the demonic. After all, what is the demonic, if not the stoking and spread of hateful thoughts and actions?
Those thoughts gave me pause. Being naturally oppositional, I don’t want to give the divider what he wants. Alternative ideas came into my brain, the main one being, “Love one another.”
Again, I’m not traditionally religious; I’m also not especially naïve. My interpretation of what may have been a “Love one another” spiritual message, is to do the loving with my eyes wide open and an excellent memory.
We all need to be wary, and protect ourselves, our friends, our colleagues, our families Although the labor activist Joe Hill said, “Don’t mourn. Organize,” I think we do need to mourn, grieve, commiserate, AND organize. At the same time, we need to find the right times and places and spaces for love. After all, what is the spiritual, if not the stoking and spread of loving thoughts and actions?
I wish for you, the time and space you need for dealing with your painful emotions as well as the opportunity to build a more positive future, together.
John Sommers-Flanagan 
Thanks, John. I enjoyed reading this. Interestingly, my mom did not allow my sister and I to use the word “hate” when we were growing up and were told to say “strongly dislike.” Where did that come from?
Thanks for your response Wendy. I don’t know where the prohibition on hate came from, but I’m glad to have experienced it. My sisters and I recall the rule with great fondness as a clear caricature of our mother.
AMEN!
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Thank you 🙏🏼
Yeah. Yes. Affirmative. We need to find ways to organize and respond in firm lovingness…
Thank you for these insightful words. I also spent most of last night awake, sad and frustrated at what was happening. My gut reaction is to lash out, but that is giving he, who shall not be named, more energy. I will follow your suggestion and act in love.
Thanks for your comment Steve. I also have that first instinct to lash back out . . . and find I’m happier with myself when I’m more regulated and intentional. Be well!
Thank you for the validation that what many of us are feeling today is justified. It is also not helpful to languish in these unpleasant and destructive emotions but rather to use these feelings as a call to action.
Thank you Joyce. I’ve seen many similar social media messages and I hope we can collectively be kind AND intentional/proactive in continuing with our inclusive, rule of law, and justice focus. All my best, JSF
Thanks, John. I was also a non-sleeper last night. Well said how hate is never the answer. One fruit of mindfulness practice for me has been to realize that the feeling-tone of hate is often pleasant for me (Ack!). Motivated by this pleasantness, it is easy to attach to and suffer from delusions of “being better” or “being right.” These delusions require constant character-armoring by arguing internally with mental projections (plus posting on social media) that actually wastes energy for the true work of acting with love. We do well to remember that the President-elect was once an innocent newborn (along with all his supporters). Staying based in that fact keeps our professional lives interesting.
Thank you John. I appreciate your acknowledgement of the vulnerability to focus on hate, recognizing the need to find a more productive and potentially change-enhancing outlook as we mourn. At least in my case, this is yet another painful experience of a loss of innocence in light of what I see as the active proliferation and validation of hate among many people in my community. I may be able to find love for these folks if I recall the old cliche in trauma work, “ask what happened to someone rather than what’s wrong with someone.” I have to believe that most of those who have empowered this man, have experienced great pain in their lives compelling them to lead with hate rather than love. I believe I can find love or at least empathy for these people in that context. Maybe with that perspective, I can eventually explore compassionate solutions that offer an alternative to hate for these folks.
Thanks Don. As always, I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I think–as with the concept of forgiveness–it’s not necessarily a good thing to forgive, or be too loving, when people are actively proliferating hate. That said, your point of having empathy for their pain is a great goal. All my best to you! John
Hi, First let me say even though we have never met
Thank you for putting all of this in writing and expressing it so passionately. It helps so much. Mourn and organize, HARD YES!
Julie Jennings
Thanks Julie! I’ve always liked the “Don’t mourn. Organize!” message, but I do think we need to do both and, yes, it’s a challenging task and process. Best, John
Thanks, John. Your words make a difference. The grief comes in waves; organizing comes soon! Jan
I also find the waves of grief to be a reality. Sometimes the triggers are obvious. Other times, less so. Today has been a day for helping others process their experiences, which has felt meaningful. Thanks Jan! John
Kamala’s concession speech had a similar message. America you broke our hearts. Now time to spread kindness and organize. We aren’t done yet. Thanks for expressing what many of us feel. Gayla
Thanks Gayla! I’ve been very impressed with Kamala. Her campaign was strong. And her speech today was excellent. Obviously, I agree. Along with other factors, I think she had to also deal with the intersecting forces of racism and sexism. Who was the better candidate? Kamala, hands down.
Thank you John, for all you do, and for your heart.
Thanks Carol. I still have very nice memories of you and your kind and helpful spirit. I hope all is as well as it can be in your life. Best, John
Thank you for being brave and sharing your thoughts… being a therapist yesterday was really hard… appreciate your posts as always…
Thanks Lori! Yes, there’s lots of pain, confusion, and despair happening. Thanks for your work!
Namaste, my friend. Our power is in not giving our power to the hateful. Anger is a secondary emotion. I suspect what lies beneath for those buying in is a hurting, miserable soul. May they, and the rest of us, find peace. 🙏
Thank you Mary. I agree and hope we can all find deeper peace. JSF
Thank you for sharing this. Getting your personal reflection in my email was one of the few moments I felt I could take a deep breath for a second yesterday. I am still in school, but feel lucky to be entering a profession that leads with compassion.
-Natalie
Thanks Natalie. I am happy I could contribute to you having a deep breath. We do have a kind and compassionate profession, which is so good. JSF
I will not allow the Don to control my life, my emotions or my happiness. I will live my healthiest, most joyful life surrounded by people I love and they me back. I’ll feed the birds, squirrels and chipmunks every morning I remain vertical. I will kick cancers butt. I will clear and clean the woods and build burn piles and thank God for the ability to do so. We shall sing, hold hands and we shall dance.💃🏻
Sure I had my Wednesday morning, four letter word melt down when I red that the most foul mouthed, ignorant, unfit man would be putting his had on a bible, wearing his Don watch in his gold Don tennis shoes America had been burned to the ground. ThenI went and painted a picture of my feelings.
how did you know I collected heart rocks! All over the house, inside and out. Take care. The sun actually came up this morning.
Kaye
Love this post Kaye. I’m with you on every bit of what you wrote. I’m angry, AND I’m not letting much of this get into my head, because I’m the BOSS of what goes on there!