Monthly Archives: October 2012

Parenting

Why Dear Abby’s Parenting Advice is so Limited

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In the preceding weeks I’ve been posting about the 4 primary ways parents can influence their children. Today, we look at the application of what we refer to as the “Parent Influence Model.” More information on this model and how to use it to improve parenting strategies is in the book, “How to Listen so Parents will Talk. . .” by two of my favorite authors. The following is an adapted excerpt.

Many cultures focus excessively on using direct power to get children to comply with parental authority, and our dominant American culture is certainly among them.  This may be in part because of the powerful influence of behavioral psychology and partly due to a historical white-European devaluing of children identified by some authors.  Fortunately, the Parenting Influence Model (PIM) provides parents with effective alternatives to simply using direct power over and over again.

As an American icon, “Dear Abby” regularly provides guidance for parents who face specific parenting challenges. However, for better or worse, Abby usually offers advice based almost exclusively on direct power. While you read through the following summary of a Dear Abby column, consider the PIM. In particular, think about which indirect, problem-solving, and relationship power strategies you might suggest for the parenting dilemma described in this column:

In her February 17, 2009 column, Abby responded to a letter written by a mother described as Tanya of North Lima, Ohio. Tanya described a challenging situation with her nine-year-old son. She reported that he refused or made excuses when asked to take a shower after his wrestling practice and that she was at her “wits’ end.” She noted other personal hygiene problems, including difficulty getting him to brush his teeth and change his underwear. She ended her letter with a plea: “Please give me some advice.”

Abby responded with clear and direct guidance. She instructed Tanya to:

  1. Establish rules and enforce them.
  2. Consider asking the wrestling coach to “impress upon him the importance of personal hygiene.”
  3. Refuse to serve the son dinner until he has showered.
  4. Require him to “brush his teeth before coming to the breakfast table.”
  5. If the problem continues for over six months, consider a consultation with a “child psychologist.”

The problem that Tanya of Ohio presented to Abby was typical. Tanya has an agenda and she wants her child to comply with her agenda. She has tried direct power strategies, failed miserably, but is still unable to think outside the direct-power paradigm. For example, she states: “I tell him to take a shower,” “I have had to personally bathe him,” and “I don’t know what to do to get him . . . .” Each of these phrases articulates at least two things: (1) she has taken on the primary responsibility for her son’s hygiene (and so he is free to not care much at all about hygiene; we refer to this as problem polarization and discuss it at length later); and (2) she is focused, as far as we can tell, exclusively on direct power strategies.

Using the PIM as a guide, in an educational or therapeutic setting, the first step would be for the parenting professional to model an attitude reflected in the short phrase, developed by Linda Braun of Families First Boston: “Get curious, not furious.” The professional would empathize with the parent’s frustration (“It is hard when your nine-year-old smells bad!”) while gently exploring the roots of the problem (“What do you suppose is going on that makes it so your son really doesn’t seem to care about showering and brushing his teeth?”), and gathering concrete information about exactly what the parent has tried and how it has worked. In the end, the professional might provide the parent with a collaboratively generated list of parenting strategies. For Tanya and her son, the list would likely, but not inevitably, include an individualized combination of the following:

  • Mutual problem-solving
  • Solution questions
  • Character feedback
  • Giving choices
  • Asset flooding
  • Expressing anger and disappointment

In contrast, as Abby articulated so well, our popular cultural advice for parents who face problem child behavior is something like:

You need to force that boy to comply with your parental authority.

Abby’s solution advocates parental over-control: She recommended withholding food. She recommended usurping the boy’s privacy by consulting with his wrestling coach (apparently behind the boy’s back). She didn’t seem to understand the powerful force of encouragement—or even positive reinforcement. Although the mom may win this battle using direct power, her withdrawals from her joint emotional bank account with her son may be immense. Their relationship will suffer and their conflicts may continue to grow.  Eventually, the mom’s power-plays may become significantly less effective as he heads into his teenage years.

In contrast to Abby’s approach, many parenting book authors acknowledge the need for parents to have a wide range of skills and strategies for parenting well. As an example, Fields and Brown (2010) described this need for multiple strategies for parents of toddlers:

You can’t make a kid eat, sleep, or poop on the potty. Yes, toddlers have a will all of their own—and if they don’t want to do any of the above, darn it, that’s the way it is. Nope, you have to come well-armed with a series of clever strategies and tricks to work some magic. (p. 6)

Overall, the PIM can help you become more aware of specific influence strategies parents are using in their daily lives. You can then use this awareness to help parents expand their influence repertoire, and hopefully help parents become more successful in really getting what they want: being and becoming a positive and guiding influence in their children’s lives.

Parenting

Relationship Power as a Strategy for Influencing Children

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For the past several weeks I’ve been posting about different strategies parents can use to exert a positive influence on their children. Today’s focus is on the grandaddy or grandmommy of all forms of parental influence–we refer to this as RELATIONSHIP POWER!

Relationship power is the foundation of all parental power. Having a high-quality, respectful parent–child relationship is the fuel that naturally drives children to want to please their parents.  However, there is a serious problem associated with creating and sustaining relationship power.

In the 21st century, perhaps more than previously, parents have tended to overemphasize the “friendship” dimension between parents and children (Grosshans & Burton, 2008). The worst consequence of this friendship-oriented parent–child relationship is that sometimes parents hesitate to set limits on their children’s behavior, fearing they’ll not be “liked” by their children. Although wanting our children to like us is a perfectly natural impulse, it can become problematic if parents become frozen and unable or unwilling to set limits due to fears of rejection. When this happens, a very destructive pattern can emerge. This pattern is characterized by an imbalance of parent–child power. Unfortunately, often the consequence of this pattern is a child who is too free and too much in charge and a parent who feels impotent and disrespected. In extreme situations, the parent–child power relationship and the roles associated with that relationship are so twisted that the parent may begin inappropriately involving his or her child or children in adult matters, adult relationships, and even adult partying, including exposure to many adult issues and problems (e.g., sexual information or relationships and/or substance use).

The parent–child relationship that works best is characterized by respect, interest, caring, love, and kindness. It is not an egalitarian relationship between peers, but it is a central and all-encompassing relationship that entails love, sacrifice, and the willingness to be there, no matter what. Call us idealists, but we believe this is the foundation upon which parental authority and influence should be built.

Stephen Covey articulated the foundational quality of relationship when he discussed the relationship bank account, both in his book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People (Covey, 1990), and online. In the following excerpt from his homepage, he discussed the concept of the emotional bank account as a means of rebuilding trust—and rebuilding trust can be especially relevant for parents of teenagers. The concept is equally important with regard to building and maintaining trust and respect. Here’s what Covey says on his website:

Examine your Emotional Bank Account with this person; it’s most likely strained because of withdrawals. Make a commitment to start making deposits that matter most to that person, and do it. Little by little, even with small deposits, you will find that the account will grow. It may take time. But over time you will find the cumulative effect of the deposits. Slowly, depending on the severity of the broken trust, you can find trust being rebuilt and restored, and a new relationship will be born. Of course, this also depends on the other person, but you can choose to do your part regardless of the other person—to focus on your circle of influence. And you will find some peace, knowing that you’ve done your part. (http://www.stephencovey.com/blog/?tag=emotional-bank-account; accessed February 18, 2009)

Like modeling, relationship power is part of the 24/7 parenting role. Consequently, relationship power activities can and should be integrated into the parent–child relationship on a daily basis. Tomorrow or on Tuesday I’ll be posting a story or example of relationship power. In the meantime, you can always check out the “How to Listen so Parents will Talk” book at: http://www.amazon.com/How-Listen-Parents-Will-Talk/dp/1118012968/ref=cm_cr_pr_pb_i

Here’s what a recent spontaneous reviewer just posted about the book on Amazon “This book is an informative, easy-to-read guide to the specific intricacies involved in counseling parents. It is useful for both trainees and seasoned clinicians.” Cool.

 

Parenting

How Parents Can Use Problem-Solving Power

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Problem-solving power refers to a group of parent influence strategies designed to activate, within children or teenagers, a problem-solving or solution-focused mental state. This strategy is best illustrated with an example:

Sonya is busy at her laptop reading an online newspaper while her 6-year-old son plays in the living room. She notices her son working hard on a small puzzle and after he gets a piece into place, she says: “How did you figure out where that piece went?” Her son looks up and replies, “I don’t know. It just fit there.”

This interaction may seem trivial, but the mother, whether she knows it or not, is using problem-solving power to encourage her son to reflect on how he’s getting his puzzle together. This particular approach is based on constructive or solution-focused principles. The underlying belief is that the more we can get our children thinking about how to solve problems, the better they’ll become at problem-solving.  Further we are helping them become more optimistic, focusing on solutions and successes instead of pessimistically focusing on failures and problems.

The polar opposite of problem-solving power occurs when parents, in frustration, ask their child something like, “What’s wrong with you?” or after a sequence of misbehavior, “What were you thinking!?” When parents ask these problem-oriented questions, it encourages children to focus on their failures, what’s wrong with them, or on their negative thoughts and behaviors.

Just like solution-focused therapy, problem-solving power is indirect and leading (Murphy, 2008; Steenbarger, 2004). It’s also something we have to train ourselves to do.  For some reason, it seems more natural to ignore our children when they are behaving, and to give them attention when they are not.  Many parents remain silent and even detached while children play quietly (savoring the silence). This, of course, is the equivalent of ignoring good behavior, which we know from our basic behavioral principles is a great way to extinguish behavior.

The most common forms of problem-solving power are listed in the “How to Listen so Parents will Talk book (see: http://www.amazon.com/How-Listen-Parents-Will-Talk/dp/1118012968/ref=la_B0030LK6NM_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1351053762&sr=1-5)

Here’s one example of a problem-solving power strategy.

Child-Generated Rules

As noted in the “How to Listen. . .” book, parent-generated family rules are an example of direct power. In contrast, when using problem-solving power, parents try to hook their children into generating rules themselves. Interestingly, as family members discuss what they want for themselves and for the family, children often become motivated to contribute to very positive and reasonable family rules. Many authors have written about family meetings or the family council (Croake, 1983; Dreikurs, Gould, & Corsini, 1974).

Problem-solving power is an excellent way to help children reflect on and contribute to family solutions. It’s a method for helping children learn solutions and rules from the inside out—instead of the external or outside-in behavioral approach. Problem-solving power can be used liberally but sometimes parents need to take charge and solve family problems themselves. This is especially true with younger children. As family therapist Carl Whitaker once said (we’re paraphrasing), “Two-year-olds cannot take over leadership within a family unless they’re standing on the shoulders of a parent.” In the end, things go better if parents are the primary leaders in the home who not only allow their children to voice opinions, but also engage their children in the family problem-solving process.

Parenting

Indirect Power

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Indirect power involves a strategy or process whereby parents obtain compliance through an indirect means. In contrast to direct power, this particular strategy generally doesn’t activate rebellion and therefore power struggles are minimized. Indirect power strategies include some of the most important parenting strategies of all time, as well as a few strategies that are somewhat playful and, some might say, manipulative.

The most important indirect parenting strategy is modeling. If parents don’t want their children to swear, they should avoid swearing (at least in their children’s presence). Children are strongly inclined to model their behavior after their parents’ behavior, especially if they respect their parents. There is scientific truth in the old saying, “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery” (Bandura, Ross, & Ross, 1963; Bandura & Walters, 1963).

Modeling highlights the perpetual 24/7 aspect of parenting. If you tell your child, “Don’t lie,” but then you call in sick so you can go skiing instead of going to work, or sit home on a night when you turned down a social invitation because you were “too busy,” you’re role-modeling the opposite of what you’re preaching. In essence, you’re asking your children to do as you say, but not as you do. And we all know how well that works! Parental behavior is often closely scrutinized by children, even when they don’t let on that they’re watching.

John recalls a particularly uncomfortable situation with his younger daughter when she was four years old. As he hurried on his drive home with her beside him in a child’s seat, they were forced to stop at a railroad crossing. Frustrated, John muttered under his breath a particular four-letter word generally associated with fecal matter. Much to his horror, his sweet 4-year-old instantly picked up the beat, repeatedly letting fly with the dung word until, finally, John came up with the bright idea of correcting her by compounding his mistake: “Oh no sweetheart, you’ve got that wrong. What Daddy really said was, ‘shoot!’ Try saying that, ‘shoot.’” When his daughter finally was able to satisfactorily mutter “shoot” under her breath, John felt a mixed gratification. He had lied to his daughter to stop her from using profanity:). Clearly, this was only a marginal parenting success and one that illustrates the complex burden of parental modeling:(.

The most common forms of indirect power are listed and described in our book, “How to Listen so Parents will Talk and Talk so Parents will Listen.” They include the following:

Table 3.3 Indirect Power Strategies

Modeling

Encouragement

Character feedback

Giving choices

Storytelling

Wagering, racing, and giving audience

And here’s a description of one of these indirect power strategies:

Wagering, Racing, and Giving Audience

These indirect strategies are usually playful. For example, parents might say, “I bet I can eat up my broccoli before you do” (wagering) or “Let’s race and see who can get dressed and ready to go out to the car and to school the fastest” (racing) or “I heard you’re really good at your times tables. How about if you do a set for me and I just watch and listen?” (giving audience).

To be honest, wagering, racing, and giving audience are manipulative ploys. They involve enticing children into compliance using techniques framed as fun and competitive. As a consequence, some parents don’t like these particular parenting strategies.

Nevertheless, these techniques can be useful and are often employed effectively by some parents. For example, as described previously, with children who are slow at dressing themselves, an indirect intervention might involve a competition or race:

Okay, sweetheart, let’s see who can get ready the fastest. I’ll run to my bedroom and see if I can get dressed and ready to go before you’re all dressed. I think I’m the fastest, but you might be. I don’t know. Are you ready? Ready, set, go!

The problem with this form of indirect power is not so much that it’s manipulative (almost everything is manipulative in one way or another), but that it can begin to feel manipulative to children. Consequently, although parents should use positive role-modeling whenever possible, these more playful and manipulative indirect approaches should be used only occasionally.

Parenting

Grandma’s Rule: An Example of Using Direct Parenting Power and Influence

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Direct power is one way parents try to have power and influence. Direct power is simple and straightforward. It involves directly informing children what to do and what not to do. It’s bossy and often manipulative but not necessarily tyrannical. As we all know, it’s possible to have a benevolent boss, someone to look up to as a respected authority. Alternatively, many of us know or have experienced a tyrannical boss. For many reasons, well-established through parenting research and child development, when direct power is needed, parents should enact that power in a wise and benevolent manner—rather than behaving as a controlling tyrant (Baumrind, 1975). A parent we once worked with articulated this practical principle when she told us her philosophy of parenting. She said, “Rules without relationship equals rebellion.”

Direct power can be communicated through voice tone (that extremely firm or even snarling voice), voice loudness (a raised level, even yelling), body posture (standing and pointing), eye contact and facial expression (a hard stare, serious face, or even an unpleasant grimace), and other physical means. Spanking, hitting, and all physical approaches to discipline are classic efforts at exerting direct power. Similarly, when parents use threatening words or verbal abuse with their child, usually they’re trying—somewhat desperately—to directly influence their child’s emotional state or behavior.  When things get desperate, verbal efforts to influence children often end up sounding rather absurd. For example, we’ve heard parents saying things like,

  • “I’ll give you something to cry about.”
  • “I brought you into this world and I can take you out.”

Obviously, yelling, hitting, and verbal abuse are threatening and extreme means of trying to exert parental influence or control and we don’t advice using these approaches.

Grandma’s Rule is an example of a reasonable and relatively effective direct power and influence parenting strategy. This strategy is a language-based intervention that clearly spells out the sequence of desired or required behaviors and optional or reinforcing behaviors. Grandma’s Rule always follows a “When you/then you” format. For example, a parent might say to her child, “When you finish the dishes, then you can call your friends.” Using Grandma’s Rule is a clear and concise way to communicate parental authority by letting the child know exactly what he or she needs to do before engaging in a fun and positively rewarding activity. If you’d like to experience how Grandma’s Rule feels, try this out on yourself: “When you finish reading this blog, then you can check your Facebook account.”

When working with parents who sometimes use ambiguous language with their children, or with parents who are ambivalent about exerting authority, Grandma’s Rule can be very helpful. In particular, parents may need to be coached on avoiding the use of if instead of when.  For example, parents who say, “If you do the dishes, then you can call your friends,” convey a sense of uncertainty as to whether their children really will be doing the dishes. Children who have oppositional or defiant tendencies will quickly latch onto the if and begin a debate over whether that behavior will ever occur. Grandma’s Rule always involves using “When you/then you” language.

In the next day or two I’ll be posting a short description of Indirect Power and Influence strategies. All of this material is excerpted or adapted from our book, “How to Listen so Parents will Talk and Talk so Parents will Listen.” You can find it on Amazon at: http://www.amazon.com/How-Listen-Parents-Will-Talk/dp/1118012968

Parenting

How Parents Influence Children: A Parenting Influence Model

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* * *  In this short excerpt from “How to Listen so Parents will Talk” we describe a model with four strategies for how parents influence their children. Over the next several days I will include more information about each of these four parental influence strategies. * * *

Although some individuals might suggest that adults always try to control children—and children (especially adolescents) always try to rebel against generational pressure and oppression—we see the world of adult–child relationships through a much rosier lens. In particular, we believe most adults don’t really want to control and oppress children and that most children, though striving for individuation and independence, are not automatically rebellious or oppositional. Instead, we believe most adults want to shape or influence children’s (especially their children’s) thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and most children feel the need to rebel only when their parents slip into an excessively controlling style.

As we move forward with this explanation of the parent influence model (PIM), we’re aware that some professionals and some parents may have negative reactions to the idea of using power or being an authority figure. Nevertheless, our rationale for describing a parent influence model is based on the reality of parent–child power differences. In this regard, we’re in agreement with the sentiment in the following passage by Grosshans & Burton (2008), who stated:

When you become a parent, you take on not only an unprecedented responsibility, but you are immediately imbued with an unparalleled dimension of power in relationship to another human being. Whether you philosophically agree with it, want it, or feel prepared or equipped to exercise it, when you are a parent, you’ve got it. In fact, you are the most powerful person the world to your child, because she depends on you for everything. (p. 17)

Let’s face the reality that parents automatically have power—and focus on how they can use it appropriately, humanely, and respectfully.

Based on the PIM, parents have four power sources (Wood’s, 1996, original social power labels are in parentheses):

1. Direct power (coercion)

2. Problem-solving power (expertness)

3. Indirect power (manipulation)

4. Relationship power (likability)

These power sources are presented in an order such that, if you were to overlay a triangle on this list, direct power would be at the tip and relationship power at the base. This is because relationship power functions as the foundation for all other power and influence approaches or strategies. Tomorrow I’ll begin discussing how parents can use and abuse “direct power” which lies at the tip of the PIM pyramid and work my way down in coming days.

Parenting, Uncategorized

Upcoming Event: Strategies for Influencing Children

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Missoula Forum For Children And Youth To Host Parenting Discussion

Oct. 08, 2012

MISSOULA –

University of Montana counseling Associate Professor John Sommers-Flanagan will lead a community conversation titled “Parents are the No. 1 Influence” from 7 to 8:30 p.m. Tuesday, Oct. 16, on the third floor of the University Center. The discussion is presented by the Missoula Forum for Children and Youth in partnership with Missoula Underage Substance Abuse Prevention.

The first of a three-part Community Conversation Series, the discussion will address the importance of parents’ impact on youth. Research indicates that parents are the primary influence on children, including when youth make choices about engaging in risk behavior or experimenting with substance abuse.

“Parenting is a wonderful gift, but it also can be difficult at times,” said Brandee Tyree, MUSAP coordinator with the Missoula Forum for Children and Youth. “John Sommers-Flanagan will give concrete tips on how to influence your child’s behavior for the best. As a community we can support each other as parents, which in return supports our youth in making healthy decisions.”

The event is sponsored by UM, Missoula Indian Center, the Missoulian, St. Patrick Hospital Foundation and Montana Marketing Group. It is free and open to the public, and refreshments will be provided.

The Missoula Forum for Children and Youth and MUSAP work to support and enhance prevention efforts in the community.

For more information call Tyree at 406-721-3000 ext. 1021 or email btyree@co.missoula.mt.us.

Parenting, Uncategorized

General Rules for Getting Your Children to do Chores

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The following is an excerpt from “How to Listen so Parents will Talk and Talk so Parents will Listen.”

If asked, most children and teenagers will readily assure you that “chores suck.” To make matters worse, parents don’t appreciate having butler, maid, and custodian responsibilities in addition to their regular parenting duties. This combination of factors helps explain why so many parents come to consultations complaining of their children’s noncompliance with chore requests.

When chores and chore completion are a concern, we typically teach parents about (1) the three-step approach to learning chores; (2) teaming to complete chores; (3) chore menus; and (4) chore contingencies. This problem-solving intervention is especially important because it illustrates how parents can collaboratively and authoritatively work with their children to accomplish family tasks.

The Three-Step Approach

Most children aren’t naturally inclined to do chores and aren’t particularly inclined to do them well. All too often, children will fail at their first assignment to clean the bathroom (or whatever project they’re assigned).

If parents want chore cooperation from their children, the following three steps may be helpful: (1) Demonstrate (by actively teaching) how to do the chore assignment they wish their child to do; (2) do the chore assignment with their child (while providing positive and encouraging comments); and (3) have their child complete the assignment with parental supervision and support. Also, because doing chores is not naturally pleasurable for most children, parents should model how good it feels to get the job done. Finally, parents need to support their child by making positive statements about the child’s performance and staying away from critical comments. Criticizing children when they’re engaging in an already-aversive task is an excellent way to destroy whatever remnants of motivation may still exist. This doesn’t mean parents need to pretend their children have done a fabulous job when they haven’t, but it does mean parents need to look for the positive and communicate in an encouraging way even when performance is less than adequate.

Parent: Getting my eight-year-old to help with chores is sometimes more of a chore than just doing it myself.

Consultant: It sounds like you’d like your daughter’s help around the house, if it wasn’t such a pain.

Parent: Right.

Consultant: May I share a few ideas?

Parent: Go ahead.

Consultant: [After explaining the three-step approach to learning chores, the consultant moves into ideas about keeping chore-related interactions positive:] Since doing chores can be a pain for both you and your daughter, let’s talk about how to make it more pleasant. Some of these ideas may work for you and some may not, but here are a few. First, consider doing chores together while you listen to music she likes. Second, try doing chores for a very short time period during which she can be successful, even five minutes might be fine to start. Third, set it up so that right after the successful five minutes you transition to something fun. This is so she’ll get the idea that you work first and then play and have fun. Fourth, while you’re both working ignore her off-task behavior and pay close and positive attention to her on-task behavior. Fifth, if her performance is disappointing, express that in the most positive way you can. Something like, “Sweetheart, I know you can be better help than you were today,” is enough. Be sure to avoid long lectures about non-helpfulness, because that could act as a reward. [The consultant writes out these ideas so the parent will have a reminder.]   

Teaming to Complete Chores

More often than parents prefer, chore completion is suboptimal. We like to think of it as an example of the two-steps-forward-one-step-back phenomenon. 

Children may need support and assistance to complete chores adequately. Some children will be slower at developing positive chore habits and others will be adversely affected by their attitude or mood. However, parents are better served if they stay positive and encouraging. It’s especially important to avoid the temptation toward negative character feedback (“Can’t you do anything right?”).

Thinking of chores as a family activity or obligation can help. It’s more motivating when all family members work to accomplish a goal in a particular time period. A friend of ours taught us the following technique:

Okay, we need to clean up and de-clutter the house. Tonight at six-thirty p.m., I’ll set the timer for thirty minutes and, as a family, we’ll all run around cleaning and picking up and putting things away. At the end of our thirty minutes we can order a pizza and a movie and celebrate our clean house.

Many parents will immediately object to the “time-limited family project” technique by stating, “Yeah, we’ve tried that and the kids just sit around and don’t really contribute. Then we end up doing all the work and we’re angry at the kids for loafing.” Of course, consultants should pay attention to this complaint and then try to help the parents reformulate chore activities to promote family success. Part of this reformulation will undoubtedly involve having the parents lower their chore performance expectations and praising or supporting their children for small contributions. It also might involve the natural and logical consequence of the parents eating pizza and watching a movie while the kids eat yesterday’s leftovers and go to bed early.

In situations where children have already learned specific chores but occasionally regress because of a bad mood or a bad day, additional teaming techniques may be useful. For example, a parent might be coached to offer something like the following:

How about I help you out tonight? We’re a family and we should help each other. I can see you’re not in the best of moods and I can relate to that because some days I hate to do chores, too. So, how about for tonight we work together and get this done in half the time?

Or, with teenagers who are high achievers and who maintain an exceptionally busy schedule, rather than completely dispensing with chore assignments, it might be more helpful to frame breaks from regular chore routines as a part of family support. For example,

I know you’re crazy-busy with homework and volleyball this weekend. How about if I take care of your kitchen-cleaning duties tonight and you can help me out sometime when I’m too busy and you’ve got free time?

The purpose of these family-teaming strategies is to help the children understand the underlying message: In this family we all contribute to maintaining the household, and because we’re on the same team we help each other and share the load when we can.

Chore Menus

It’s generally more effective for parents to give their children choices over which chores they’re assigned. For example, if Miguel perpetually is assigned the chore of scooping the dog poop in the backyard, he may eventually feel there’s no opportunity for career advancement (or personal choice) and so he may begin resisting his assignment. Now, if it’s Miguel’s designated dog and he agreed to scoop the poop for 12 years, more complex negotiation strategies may be needed. However, in most cases children experience greater freedom (which they desire) when they at least get to pick their poison (chore). Consequently, we advocate chore menus for children. These menus can be as simple as:  “Would you like to empty the dishwasher or collect and take out the garbage?” Or parents may make a master list and let each child sign up for several chores a week.

Chore Contingencies

Some parents vehemently argue that completing chores is part and parcel of being in a family and, therefore, children should do chores without compensation. In contrast, other parents believe chores should be linked to a weekly allowance or some other form of financial remuneration. If you’ve been paying attention to this point, you should anticipate our response to these polar perspectives: We believe both positions are reasonable and recommend a combination approach.

For many families, it works best if some designated chores are expected contributions to family life. These could be chores that are required as a part of daily living (e.g., washing dishes, de-cluttering, dusting, vacuuming, feeding the dog, etc). Other, less frequent chores could be reserved for when children want to make money. Obviously, consultants should work with parents to develop a system that best fits the individual family’s needs and the parents’ values.

Using direct power strategies may be necessary and appropriate when it comes to chore completion. For example, we recommend that parents use Grandma’s Rule (see Chapter 3) to clearly and concisely articulate their expectations that chore completion precedes recreation. A classic example of using Grandma’s rule is:  

When you finish unloading the dishwasher and wiping down the kitchen counters, then you can turn on the computer and play some games. 

Overall, as we think of chores, we’re reminded of a wise statement a colleague uses when working with mandated client groups. At the beginning of group he announces: “Well, I know we’re all required to be here, but we’re not required to have a bad time. So I hope we can make the best of it.” When parents lead with a good attitude and positive mood in the face of a required task, often children will begin to follow their leaders. This is the essence of role modeling.

Image

The road to getting your chores done in Montana.